Black Person Evades Security, Touches Romney


A black woman somehow evaded the negro-sniffing dogs and African-detecting scanners that surround GOP candidate Mitt Romney this weekend, and even managed to touch him. Campaign security personnel immediately wrestled her to the ground.

“I was scared” Romney admitted. “Of course I’ve heard of black people, but this was the first time one had ever managed to enter my personal space – and by “personal space” I mean within eyesight.”

Hurricane Irene Approaches NC Coast

A satellite image shows hurricane Irene seems to be probing the NC coast - almost as if the storm were searching for something.

Hurricane Irene, now surging to category 2, is approaching the coast of North Carolina. “It’s definitely headed north” a U.S. Weather Service spokesperson said. “It’s really making a bee-line for Atlantic City – almost as if the storm had some purpose or target in mind.”

Traficant Released From Prison

James Traficant and his toupee give testimony at his corruption trial

James Traficant and his toupee give testimony at his corruption trial

Flamboyant, outspoken, corrupt, and probably insane ex-representative from Ohio James Traficant was released from a federal resort…err, prison today, after serving seven years for obstruction of justice, tax evasion and bribery.

The Democrat has maintained his innocence all through his incarceration, and once even went on a hunger strike for almost three hours, until he was informed that lunch that day would include salmon au gratin and a nice Riesling wine.

Traficant left the facility dressed in short pants, tennis shoes, and white knee-high socks. However, Traficant’s toupee is being held for an extra six months for bad behavior. “He ratted me out” the toupee said in a jailhouse interview.