Iran claims it has captured a U.S. drone aircraft. Although no journalists or other outsiders have seen the drone, the Iranian government did provide the above authentic, unretouched photograph. The U.S. Navy says none of its unmanned aerial vehicles is missing – like they would admit it if one was.
Two American hikers who had been imprisoned in Iraq as spies were released Wednesday after over two years in captivity. Josh Fattal and Shane Bauer were arrested on the Iran/Iraq border and accused of being spies. A third hiker, Sarah Shourd, was released last year for “medical reasons”. Since then Shourd has tirelessly traveled nowhere near the Middle East as she spoke out in her companions’ defense.
The Sultan of Oman brokered the release of the pair in return for $1 million in
bribe bail money, which was not paid by the U.S. “Those were completely different dollars we gave to Iran – they were nothing like the dollars the U.S. gave us” the Sultan said.
The release comes just a day before Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is due to speak at the United Nations General Assembly in New York, where no one is going to pay any more attention to him than they usually do.
Iranian officials said Fattal and Bauer had not actually been convicted of espionage as reported in the global media, but instead were held for “psychiatric evaluation. I mean who would go hiking along our border with Iraq but a bunch of lunatics?”
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a speech in Tehran that Paul the Psychic Octopus is an agent of western imperialism, and that the sea creature is intent on destroying Islam. “The octopus hates Islam because it has no knees” the Iranian President said. “It cannot be a part of Islam because it cannot kneel to face Mecca. No knees, no Islam – it’s that simple.”
Ahmadinejad went on to question the sanity of westerners who believe the octopus could predict the outcome of World Cup games. “Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values.” Values like murdering protesters in the streets just because “I may have committed a little election fraud to illegally remain in power. This is silly – George Bush did it in 2000, and you didn’t see anyone in Tehran taking to the streets over that.”
“This octopus is not that smart” Ahmadinejad continued. “I am almost as smart as this octopus. I predicted Iran would win the World Cup, and they did as far as anyone who watches only Iranian media knows.”
Iran’s government turned down a United Nations proposal to enrich its uranium in Europe, to ensure the material is not used to make weapons. The plan was to ship all of Iran’s nearly two tons of uranium to several facilities in Europe, where it would likely get lost in the mail, and since Iran is notorious for not buying insurance on its packages, that would end any chance of Iran making nuclear weapons.
“The insurance is never needed!” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said from Tehran. “Why increase the shipping cost for that? Besides, our uranium isn’t going anywhere. We can enrich it here – we have all the vitamin B we need.”