Microsoft Surprises No One With Tablet Announcement

Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer, looking more than slightly like a deer caught in Apple’s headlights, announces Microsoft’s soon-to-fail tablet entry, the Surface. Microsoft will manufacture millions of these, pour ungodly amounts of money into marketing and sales, and in the end will dump them into the Baltic Sea along with all those millions of copies of “Bob”.

Microsoft Buys Skype

Microsoft Corporation bought Skype, it’s Web-based chat system, it’s employees, and its 660 million users for $8.5 billion. The purchase seems to have been an impulse buy, as Microsoft has not yet announced how they plan to screw the company up and ruin its user experience by integrating it into products like Internet Explorer and Messenger.

Microsoft's Steve Ballmer welcomes Skype CEO Tony Bates to his new position.

Windows Vista SP 3 In Two Days

Microsoft has announced that the latest service pack for Windows Vista will be released on October 22. The new patch offers bug fixes and a few Macintosh-like enhancements, but offers very little new functionality. The two big new features are it’s called “Windows 7”, and you’ll have to pay for it.

“It’s all about burying our past mistakes” said Microsoft jefe Steve Ballmer. “We want as many people as possible to forget there ever was a Vista, but we don’t want to introduce any new complications, so we just slapped the same old shit in a new box. And we’ve added great new features, like Aero Shake.”

With Aero Shake, when the user clicks on a window title bar and shakes the mouse, all other open windows disappear. We pointed-out that Vista actually does this about half the time now. “Yeah, but that’s a bug, and Aero Shake is a feature” Ballmer said.

Microsoft is also bundling the 32-bit and 64-bit versions of the operating system together, because “we thought it would be nice if people with 64-bit machines could go back and install the 32-bit version when none of the 64-bit drivers work.”

Microsoft is also opening its first retail store to coincide with the release of Vista SP 3/Windows 7. The store is located in Scottsdale, Arizona, the well-known geographic center of computing for the entire planet, unlike those out-of-the-way places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, etc.

Is Your Mind Interesting Enough To Read?

First, here’s a story about recording every minute of your life and putting it online. And here’s one about new technology that can select images you have seen from a database just by using an MRI scan.

Now, I don’t want to seem as if I am complaining or anything, but there is some stuff I just don’t want technology to do, and these are two of them. First, can you imagine what a complete visual and audio history of your life would be like? Every trip to the bathroom, every dentist appointment, every hangover, every bad date, every rejection, disappointment, losing bet, pointless meeting, tax return, visit with your relatives, etc. All right there at your fingertips to be re-lived. Most of life is waiting, digesting, farting, eating microwaved junk, and wishing you were somewhere else. I really want that crap up there in the “cloud” somewhere. It would be the real-life equivalent of having “The Complete Gilligan’s Island” on DVD: what is the point?

Okay, now on to mind reading. What’s wrong with this? Two words: The Government. Two more words: Your Employer. Five additional words: Everyone Who Is Not You. Like it isn’t bad enough these people want to sniff your urine to find out what kind of week-end you had. Definition of stupid: Trusting other people with the ability to read your mind.

You know the kind of stuff you think all day:

  • “My ass itches”
  • “I wish my boss would get a disease”
  • “I wish my boss would strip naked and jump up on my desk”
  • “Damn government has their head up everyone else’s butt”
  • “If no one was looking, I would totally steal that”
  • “Hopefully no one will find out I made up all the numbers in that report”
  • “Nice tits”
  • “Really nice tits”
  • “If my mother-in-law’s ass was any bigger it would have its own ZIP code”
  • “Can they tell I’m into S&M?”
  • “Last week-end I snuck into the wrong side of the confessional and tape recorded my math teacher confessing to having sex with my gym teacher”
  • “I really want to get my nipples pierced, but I don’t have the money”
  • “I’m not worthy”
  • “You all aren’t worthy”

Yeah – having that stuff filed down in Human Resources will be a major plus, career-wise.

Look, it’s okay for science to cure diseases, invent new sex toys, and study the mating habits of tree sloths, or whatever. But stay the hell out of my mind! I can hardly stand being in there myself, and I sure don’t want any company.

Now Bill Gates Wants To Control The Weather

According to CNN, Bill Gates has applied for several patents intended to slow-down hurricanes as they approach land. “We’ve found a way to run the weather on Windows” Gates said at a press conference. “We estimate this will take 75% of the power right out of things like hurricanes, slowing them to a crawl.” When asked how secure this new weather system would be, Gates said “Hey, it’s Windows – what could go wrong?”

The only hitch in the plan is the need to build a laptop 8,000 miles wide, with a backlit display as large as the sky. Dell is said to be in negotiations to provide the hardware.