Romney Sheds A Little More Class


Mitt Romney attempted to make it appear the Obama administration was somehow culpable in the recent attacks on the U.S. embassies in Libya and Egypt, primarily by re-arranging the timeline of events and making embassy attempts to defuse the situation look like “an apology for America’s values”. In fact the embassy statement reaffirms American belief in the right to free speech, while criticizing those who might use that right to purposefully inflame religious sensitivities.

Romney Campaign: Foreign Policy A “Distraction”

A high-level adviser to Mitt Romney said that foreign policy is a “distraction” used by Barack Obama to deflect attention from the economy. Robert O’Brien said the Obama campaign is “going from one shiny object to the next” by concentrating on areas where the President had had some success instead of on areas Mitt Romney might know something about.

Black Person Evades Security, Touches Romney


A black woman somehow evaded the negro-sniffing dogs and African-detecting scanners that surround GOP candidate Mitt Romney this weekend, and even managed to touch him. Campaign security personnel immediately wrestled her to the ground.

“I was scared” Romney admitted. “Of course I’ve heard of black people, but this was the first time one had ever managed to enter my personal space – and by “personal space” I mean within eyesight.”

Eastwood Admits He Had No Idea What He Was Doing

Hollywood megastar Clint Eastwood admitted he had no clue what he was going to say in his remarks at the recent Republican National Convention. In an interview with the Carmel, CA Pine Cone newspaper Eastwood said Romeny’s campaign people “vet most of the people, but I told them, ‘You can’t do that with me, because I don’t know what I’m going to say’”.

Two weeks later, most people still aren’t sure what he actually did say.

Romney Spoke Before American Legion Conference

Democrats have criticized Mitt Romney for not mentioning those who serve in the military during his GOP convention speech, but Romney campaign adviser Eric Fehrnstrom points-out that the Republican candidate for president addressed the American Legion conference in Indianapolis just the day before. “Governor Romney thought it was a privilege to be speaking to people who had served so nobly” Fehrnstrom said.

Romney didn’t mention that he himself avoided the draft for the Vietnam conflict, securing deferments that allowed him to take part in a Mormon “mission” to France. Which he later lied about. But he was “overseas”.

Ryan May Have Stretched The Facts

Some media wonks are complaining that GOP Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan may have played fast and loose with the facts in his speech to the Republican National Convention Thursday. But the Romney/Ryan campaign refuses to be intimidated, because as Mitt Romney pollster Neil Newsome said: “We’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact-checkers”.

Ex-New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani also spoke-up for Ryan, saying “Well, look, when people give speeches, not every fact is always absolutely accurate”. But that inaccuracy doesn’t change the fact that they are still facts.

Texas Judge Says Obama Reelection May Result In “Civil War”

Texas Governor Rick Perry meets with Lubbock County Judge Tom Head before it was known that Head is insane.

A Republican judge from Texas has called for a local tax increase to train and equip the Lubbock county sheriff’s department to fight a civil war against Barack Obama and the U.N.

Republican judge Tom Head made the statements on local radio and television stations in the Lubbock area. “In this political climate and financial climate, what is the very worst thing that could happen right now? Obama gets back in the White House. No. God forbid,” Head said.

He said Obama will “try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public’s going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war. … I’m not talking just talking riots here and there. I’m talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever.”

Head then said he will be in the front ranks to stand “in front of their personnel carriers and say, ‘You’re not coming in here.’ And I’ve asked the sheriff. I said, ‘Are you going to back me on this?’ And he said, ‘Yeah, I’m going to back you.’ Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia.”

Head did not state if he thought civil war can cause a woman to get pregnant, which was a refreshing change from recent GOP declarations on human biology.

But the real news here is Head is calling for a tax increase to pay for training and equipping his Texas freedom fighters. “I was with him on this until he brought up the tax increase” Mitt Romney said when he learned of Head’s comments. “That’s just crazy talk!”

Romney To Reid: I’ve Always Paid At Least Half What Middle Class Pays

In his latest response to Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid’s claim that he paid no taxes for ten years, Mitt Romney says he has “never paid less than 13 percent” in taxes. Romney added “so that should lay to rest any of these claims that I’m part of the ‘1%’ – I’m part of the 13%! Maybe people like Bill Gates pay 1% – he’s a lot richer than I am so his tax rate must be pretty low.”

If the “middle class” is considered those making between $60k and $200k per year, then Romney has paid about half what the average middle class income earner pays, and about 1/3 what the high-end middle class income earner pays. Romney’s wealth is estimated at between $190 and $250 million. He has amassed twice the net worth of the last eight U. S. presidents combined,and would rank among the four richest in American history if elected.

Romney still has made no effort to release his tax returns to refute Reid’s claims.

Romney Chooses Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan For Running Mate

Mitt Romney has put an end to all the speculation and announced his pick for a vice-presidential running mate: Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. Ryan is no stranger to those who follow the workings of government: he famously quotes Ayn Rand, calls military leaders liars, and has dissed Mitt Romney’s health care reforms in Massachusetts for years now. He’s also the Master of Republican Budgets, famously creating a fiscal plan that would have put millions out of work, raised taxes on everyone except the wealthy, and led to the deaths of untold numbers of poor people who are dependent on the government for health care. Fortunately the plan failed to pass through the House and Senate the way a radioactive plutonium brick would fail to pass through the human colon.

Here is a short list of the many things about Paul Ryan that should make you afraid – very afraid – should this man be put within a heartbeat of the presidency. And with all that inbreeding among Mormons there’s no telling when one of Romney’s major organs will fail….

(One item not on that list: he used to drive the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile!)

Romney Reveals Father Took Bribes From Ray Kroc

Mitt Romney told a heartwarming story about his father George Romney getting a card from McDonald’s founder Ray Kroc that entitled the elder Romney to free food for life at McDonald’s. No word on if he paid taxes on the free gifts.

Reince Priebus Calls Harry Reid A Liar

Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus called Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid a “dirty liar” after Reid said Mitt Romney had not paid taxes for ten years while running Bain Capital. Washington insiders and cable news pundits speculated the Romney camp asked Priebus to make the statement since it then can’t be connected with them, because no one knows who the Hell Reince Priebus is.

It’s Mormon vs. Mormon!

Mitt Romney says Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid needs to “put up or shut up” after alleging that Romney paid no taxes for ten years while at Bain Capital, although Reid admits “I’m not certain” it’s true. Reid’s statements are widely seen as a ploy to put pressure on fellow-Mormon Romney to release tax records he has so far refused to make public, fueling speculation the records would add to the public perception that Romney is an out-of-touch rich man who made his wealth by stepping on the bodies of the poor and middle-class. Like you could add any more to that.

Really. Mitt Romney said someone else needs to put up or shut up. On television. In front of people. And felt no galling sense of comedic irony. At all. Really.

Stranger Things Have Happened

Under the provisions of the 12th and 20th amendments to the Constitution, it is possible that Hillary Clinton could become President of the United States (acting) in 2012. The process would start with an electoral college vote tie between Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. It is also possible that monkeys might fly out of my butt, and have even smaller monkeys flying out of theirs. Because the idea that John Boehner wouldn’t resign as Speaker of the House to become President, even temporarily, is pretty far-fetched.

Romney Wants To Restore “Anglo-Saxon” Solidarity

In a column in the UK “Telegraph” correspondent John Swaine quoted unnamed “advisers” to Mitt Romney as saying “We are part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage, and he feels that the special relationship is special” (instead of being a special relationship that isn’t special – you know, like between two men) and “The White House didn’t fully appreciate the shared history we have” – supposedly because the President isn’t Anglo-Saxon enough.

Swaine reported that Romney “embarks on an overseas tour of Britain, Israel and Poland designed to quash claims by Mr Obama’s team that he is a ‘novice’ in foreign affairs”, apparently by proving he can book a flight and that he knows other countries exist.

Swaine pointed out President Obama’s contempt for Britain by revealing that he presented then Prime Minister Gordon Brown with “a set of DVDs that did not work in Britain”. That was probably just as well because GraceLessLand has uncovered the titles of those DVDs: “The Patriot”, “1776!”, and “The Buccaneer” (the original good one with Frederick March).

It is of course a complete coincidence that Romney will arrive in England in time for the start of the Olympics, in which his wife’s million-dollar horse will dance in the international alliance-building sport of “Dressage”. Because if it weren’t just a coincidence it might be questionable for him to spend campaign funds to pay for the trip.

1993: The Offices Of DC Comics

1ST GUY: Okay, listen, I’ve got a great idea for a new super villain for Batman. He has this creepy mask-

2ND GUY: Who, Batman?

1ST GUY: No, no – the new villain-

2ND GUY: Don’t they all?

1ST GUY: What?

2ND GUY: All wear creepy masks? Super villains, I mean.

1ST GUY: This one looks like a huge spider is stuck on his mouth.

2ND GUY: Yeah, okay, that’s creepy.

1ST GUY: Here’s the brilliant part: his name is “Bane”!

2ND GUY: Why is that brilliant?

1ST GUY: Why? Because of Mitt Romney!

2ND GUY: Who?

1ST GUY: Mitt Romney! The CEO of Bain Capital!

2ND GUY: His name is Mitt? What kind of name is that?

1ST GUY: I think it’s short for “Mitthew”.

2ND GUY: So what does this have to do with a new super villain who has a big spider on his mouth?

1ST GUY: It’s not an actual spider! It just looks like one!

2ND GUY: Why?

1ST GUY: That’s not important! We want the new super villain to have the same name as Romney’s company-

2ND GUY: What does this company make?

1ST GUY: They make money. They are like the kings of leveraged buy-outs: they find a company that is struggling, pay almost nothing for it, use the equity to borrow money and buy other companies, and then bankrupt them so the loss is a write-off – they make hundreds of millions off of these deals!

2ND GUY: That’s brilliant! Hey – what happens to the people that work for these companies?

1ST GUY: They become homeless and go on food stamps.

2ND GUY: That sucks! So that’s why he’s a super villain?

1ST GUY: No, no – the super villain has the same name as the company, just spelled a little differently: B-a-n-e.

2ND GUY: You mean a person or thing that ruins or spoils, or a deadly poison?

1ST GUY: Yes! Exactly!

2ND GUY: So, why do we want to do this?

1ST GUY: Because 19 years from now, in 2012, Romney is going to run for president against Barack Obama, the first black president!

2ND GUY: The first black president will be from Alabama?

1ST GUY: No! Obama! His name is Obama!

2ND GUY: How do you know this?

1ST GUY: That’s not important right now! What is important is DC will have a Batman movie coming out during the election – and the super villain will be Bane! Thus connecting Mitt Romney in the people’s minds with evil! It’s going to be a close election because of the massive economic problems and the unpopular wars against terrorists-

2ND GUY: What terrorists?

1ST GUY: The ones who will fly the airliners into the…uh…never mind that! The point is we have to create Bane now so the character will be established in 2012 for the movie!

2ND GUY: In order to influence an election 19 years from now?

1ST GUY: Precisely!

2ND GUY: It will never work!

1ST GUY: Why not?

2ND GUY: Because Rush Limbaugh will immediately see through it and alert the citizenry of America!

1ST GUY: Oh, that’s right! Limbaugh! I forgot about Limbaugh! Damn!

Romney “Retroactively” Retired From Bain

Mitt Romney isn’t responsible for the outsourcing of American jobs by Bain Capital after 1999 because he “retroactively retired” in 2002 back to 1999 – so all those documents that list him as the CEO are apparently now incorrect.

Romney Brings Ringers To NAACP Speech

GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney broke with the precedent set by George W. Bush and actually talked to black citizens by giving a speech to the NAACP national convention. Romney appeared to be choosing his words carefully so as not to use too many big ones, and in general had the demeanor of an insurance salesman pitching a life policy to a group of five year olds.

The crowd was respectful and interested, applauded many times and gave the candidate a standing ovation at the end of the speech. But they also booed him for an extended period when he remarked that one way he would create jobs was to repeal “Obamacare”.

After the speech Romney appeared on Fox News and claimed to have had a meeting with “a number of African-American leaders after the event”, where they confided that they were actually dissatisfied with Barack Obama and were looking for “someone who can get the economy going, so I expect to get African-American votes.”

And he will – he’ll get the votes of the African-American Republicans he brought to the convention with him, and whom he met with afterward. None were actually members of the NAACP, according to the Director of the Washington Bureau of the NAACP, Hilary Shelton. They did cheer for him vociferously, though.

This isn’t the first time Romney has “salted” a crowd with ringers: he has brought in busloads of young Mormon college students to cheer for him at other events – kind of the way Marty Feldman took control of the mutiny in “Yellowbeard”.

Gov. Scott Says Florida Will Not Implement “Obamacare”

Florida Governor Rick Scott says he believes the Affordable Care Act will be repealed when Mitt Romney is elected president, and so Florida will not implement it. Of course if Romney isn’t elected then he will be able to back-out of this by saying obviously America wants to be run by a Kenyan socialist Muslim, and who is he to argue? Of course to not implement a federal law could lead to loss of federal funding for related programs and services, which would probably be the end of Scott’s political career. So no matter what kind of b.s. he spouts now before the election, it still just amounts to bullshit.