Gingrich Promises The Moon After Promising The Moon

In his Florida "concession" speech losing GOP candidate Newt "I'll Promise You Anything" Gingrich told his supporter the things he will do once elected President, and pledged his "life, wealth, and sacred honor" to someone who would presumably want that.

What Did We Learn From The CNN/Florida Debate?

Newt Gingrich was the main target Thursday night in Florida as the four remaining GOP presidential candidates engaed in the last debate before the Florida primary vote.

At least one of the gloves came off for each of the Republican candidates as they struggled to gain advantage over one another in the final GOP debate before the Florida primary on Tuesday.

NEWT GINGRICH: Managed to avoid talking about the lies he told America and John King when he said he had “witnesses” that approached ABC to rebut the interview his ex-wife did, in which she revealed what a callous ass-chaser he is. Wolf Blitzer wasn’t going anywhere near that stuff, although there was an uncomfortable moment when the candidates were asked why their wife would make a good first lady. It almost appeared as if Gingrich might say “which one?”

MITT ROMNEY: Is still handicapped by being embarrassingly rich. He did manage to deflect most of the blame for his wealth on the trustee of his “blind trust”. A blind trust is like a super PAC – there is no coordination between the candidate and the trustee/PAC manager, unless you count daily phone calls and deleted emails.

RICK SANTORUM: May have screwed-up when he let it slip he thinks global warming is a hoax. While he was careful to affirm his faith in God, he probably doesn’t want to alienate fence-sitting independents who don’t think science is an abomination.

RON PAUL: Managed to turn every question into a criticism of the Federal Reserve system. At this point you start to think even though he’s a doctor he may think the Fed causes cancer.

NASA Claims Moon Crash Was “Intentional”

In what may be the largest single act of C.Y.A. in the galaxy, NASA claims it intentionally crashed its latest mission into the surface of the Moon. The LCROSS Centaur rocket craft hit the Moon’s surface at approximately 4:30 Pacific time on Friday. Just a short time later a second NASA spacecraft also struck the surface, after passing through the ejected debris from the first crash.

NASA has been plagued with such failures in recent years, most spectacularly when a Mars lander crashed because the agency mis-calculated conversions from feet to meters. But this most recent event was passed-off as a “planned event” by NASA officials.

“We really meant to hit the Moon” a top NASA official said without requesting anonymity. “The second craft was designed to pass through the dust plume and search for signs of water. Really. This wasn’t a screw-up!”

The story was widely reported around the world, but was not accepted because as everyone knows there is no water on the Moon (even though it does reportedly resemble a “dirty beach”). NASA has become quite sensitive to such failures, especially since the Mars Spirit and Opportunity rover debacle, when the space agency predicted the rovers would last only weeks, but have in fact been operating for several years.