Bachmann Quits While Perry Will “Re-Assess”

Michele Bachmann announced she is ending her campaign for the GOP nomination for President after finishing a distant sixth in the Iowa caucuses, with just 5% of the vote. Most Americans seem relieved they will not have to hear her whiny, nasal, seizure-inducing voice again.

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he will return to Texas to "re-assess" his campaign after finishing fifth with 10% of the Iowa vote. Perry said he will pray and reflect, mainly on "what a caucus is, and is it dirty?"