Durham, NH, Want Obama To Pay Cost Of Visit

The town of Durham, NH, has asked Barack Obama to pay for the privilege of visiting them. A press release has indicated the town wants the Obama campaign to pay up-to $30,000 needed to fund additional police and fire safety services during the President’s Monday visit to the University of New Hampshire.

“Community leaders do not believe that costs associated with the campaign should be borne by local taxpayers,” the town said.

Town To Rename “Jew Pond”

Mount Vernon, New Hampshire has a pond called Jew Pond. They are thinking of renaming it “Hebrew Lake”.

Romney Wins, All Others Lose In New Hampshire

GOP front-runner Mitt Romney checks his campaign strategy after a solid win in the New Hampshire Republican primary.

Mitt Romney easily won the New Hampshire Republican primary with 40% of the vote, making the former Massachusetts governor 2-for-2 in the race for the GOP presidential nomination, with only 48 more states to go.

A combination of tough campaigning, appealing to moderate New Hampshirans, and not being Newt Gingrich led Romney to almost doubling the second place showing by Texas representative Ron Paul (23%).

The still-unknown Guy From Utah surged from a miserable last-place finish in Iowa to the third spot with a respectable 17%, probably because ultra-conservative wunderkind Rick Santorum is not only far too right-wing to appeal to New Hampshirites, but is still dogged by subconscious associations with anal sex.

Former House Speaker Newt “I Don’t Need No Stinking Ethics” Gingrich took a fourth place finish with 10% of the New Hampsharean vote. Gingrich complained that once again negative campaigning hurt him – although this time it was his negative campaigning against Romney that did him in, plus the fact he is just slightly to the right of Genghis Khan.

In fifth place, Santorum still out-polled Texas Governor Rick Perry with 9% to Perry’s 1%. Perry is not expected to pout and threaten to go back to Texas and hold his breath as he did after Iowa, since he knew he would do terrible with moderate New Hampshireens.

 

Paul And Guy From Utah Battle For Losing In New Hampshire

With about 1/5 of all precincts reporting it appears Mitt Romney will only surprise us by how large his win is. Unknown challenger Guy From Utah is having his "Santorum Moment" of the election, while Ron Paul does his usual not enough.

Romney In Favor Of Unemployment

GOP front-runner Mitt Romney said today that he "likes being able to fire people". His opponents immediately criticized him for letting the cat out of the bag.

Republican Mitt Romney, who is leading in polls since his hair-breadth win in Iowa, told a crowd in Nashua, New Hampshire “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me”.

“It’s great” Romney said. “I really like the look of desperate fear that comes over them – especially poor people in the service industries who will have an especially tough time finding work. It’s about the most fun I have with my pants on!”

Newt Gingrich immediately criticized Romney for his comment: “Sure, we’d all love to sit around firing poor people all day – maybe even evicting them from their homes, just to make it that much more fun. But some of us have to come out here and work every day for every single vote. I mean, not me. I have underlings for that. And I can’t wait until this election is over so I can fire them!”

What Did We Learn From The ABC New Hampshire Debate?

The six remaining GOP presidential hopefuls met for the first of two debates this weekend. Over 3,000 candidates have now dropped-out of the race.

The remaining candidates in the race for the Republican presidential nomination took to the stage in New Hampshire Saturday for a debate sponsored by ABC News. The questions came from Diane Sawyer, George Stephanopoulos, and some local guy with a phony announcer voice.

MITT ROMNEY: Romney is thoroughly enjoying being the front runner, but painfully aware that Rick Santorum is nipping at his heels. However, Romney seems confident, probably because his last name doesn’t make people think of anal sex. If Romney could wipe that stupid “waiting for my turn” grin off his face, and perhaps regulate his speech so he doesn’t sound like an over-eager school kid who knows the answer, he would actually be an attractive, plastic, run-of-the-mill candidate.

RICK SANTORUM: Santorum smiled for the first time since 2010. His face had visible cracks in it. He jousted with both Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul as he tried to downplay his lack of business experience and play up his experience as a Washington insider – which is probably not the best strategy to have.

RON PAUL: Paul stuck to his usual game plan: chip away at the others staid, old-school ideas while promoting his libertarian agenda as something fresh, and make incendiary accusations about his rivals and watch them trip all over themselves trying to respond. Unfortunately for Paul his libertarian ideas are about as fresh as a month-old dead catfish, and his Cliff Claven know-it-all attitude is starting to wear thin.

NEWT GINGRICH: Took some shots at Santorum and Romney, but mainly stayed with his strengths: sounding as if he actually knows what he’s talking about even if he really obviously doesn’t. Although his analysis of the mid-east situation was pretty realistic, his views on social issues and economics are prehistoric.

RICK PERRY: Perry made a lame attempt to mimic Gingrich’s obvious pandering to the religious right, as he said some inane b.s. about President Obama’s “war on Christianity”. Perry then took the big step and announced the end of his campaign when he said as President he would send troops back to Iraq. Game over. Thanks for playing.

GUY FROM UTAH: Whoever this guy is he seems to know a lot about China – which seems really suspicious. I mean he can even speak Chinese. He may be a spy.

We also learned that George Stephanopoulos can ask some pretty dumb hypothetical questions about candidates views on situations that don’t exist. Also Diane Sawyer has a fairly smarmy kindergarten teacher mannerism when asking a question, as if she doesn’t want anyone on the stage to feel any anxiety about having to answer.

Gingrich Says Blacks Are Lazy And Don’t Want To Work

GOP presidential candidate Newt "I Never Met A Black Person I Actually Met" Gingrich tries to answer allegations he doesn't know what he's talking about.

During a campaign speech in Plymouth, New Hampshire, Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich said “….the African-American community should demand paychecks and not be satisfied with food stamps”. This was a double-reference to President Barack Obama, under whose administration the number of food stamp recipients has sharply increased, and who is black.

The National Association for the Advancement of Colored People immediately criticized Gingrich for being insensitive and misinformed. “”The majority of people using food stamps are not African-American, and most people using food stamps have a job,” a statement released by the NAACP said.

In his defense, Gingrich said his statements were “taken out of context”, and that his personal experience contradicted the NAACP statement. “Most of the blacks I see on TV are poor, unemployed, and shoot white people at the start of the program. How does the NAACP explain that?”

Perry Doesn’t Know Voting Age, Or Even Election Date

Texas Governor Rick Perry, no longer a real factor in the Republican primary race, reveals how much he doesn't know.

Texas Governor Rick Perry may need to take a civics class. At a New Hampshire campaign appearance before an audience of college students Perry incorrectly identified the age at which U.S. citizens can vote, and the date of the upcoming elections.

Perry said he’d appreciate the students’ votes if they were turning 21 by November 12. He missed the voting age of 18 by 3 years, and the election date of November 6 by six days. The voting age was changed from 21 to 18 in 1971 by the adoption of the 26th Amendment to the Constitution.

In Perry’s defense, he is remarkably stupid.

Romney Protested At NH Tea Party Rally

GOP presidential nomination contender Mitt Romney asks New Hampshire Tea Party members how to gain their support?

Mitt Romney faced protests at a Tea Party rally in New Hampshire Sunday. Members of Tea Party organization FreedomWorks demonstrated at the rally held by rival gang The Tea Party Express.

“He has not been consistently pro-market, pro-limited government, against government overreach. And that’s what we’re concerned about,” FreedomWorks President Matt Kibbe said. “Also he blinks a lot – have you noticed how much he blinks? It’s unnatural. And he seems very tall. And he hasn’t made any promises to cut the price of a gallon of gas. And he looks terrible in yellow.”

Members of the Express and FreedomWorks donned leather jackets and brandished switchblade knives as they engaged in a bloody melee. Cries of “No blinkers!” and “Yellow is a terrible color for ANYONE!” could be heard as the combatants squared-off in the parking lot at the rally.

Poll Shows Voters Disatisfied With GOP Candidates

Seven of the approximately 2,000 GOP presidential candidates at the recent New Hampshire debate.

A national Bloomberg News Poll indicates that likely GOP voters don’t find much to get excited over in the current crop of 2012 presidential candidates. 58% of voters likely to vote for a GOP candidate “hoped another candidate would throw their hat in the ring”.

Of that group, 34% couldn’t tell the difference between Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum. 43% disliked Mitt Romney because his facial expression never changes. 100% thought Ron Paul is insane. 63% would vote for Herman Cain if they got a free pizza. And finally 86% of voters likely to vote GOP thought Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann were too small to hold office.

54% of those polled say they will likely vote to re-elect President Obama just because they figure he’s already screwed-up as is much is humanly possible and can only get better in a second term. 30% of those voters say they will definitely vote for Obama because they are unimaginative and dull.

Five Things We Learned From the New Hampshire Debate

The seven Republican candidates size each other up as the debate begins.

Sometimes we have to interpret the stuff the mainstream media puts out there in the guise of “information”.

1: Michele Bachmann can’t make up her mind until the last minute. She announced at the debate that she had just filed as a candidate.

2: Mitt Romney thinks he has already won the primaries. He spread the love for his GOP rivals while focusing on President Obama – and was careful never to mention Osama bin Laden. Instead he targeted Obama’s failure to turn-around Bush’s recession. It was as if the other six people on stage were just there to fill space to his left and his right – CNN strategically placed Romney in the center of the lineup.

3: Tim Pawlenty is a wimp. Before the debate he was lumping Obama and Romney together for their health care policies, dubbing them “Obamneycare”. At the debate Pawlenty bowed and scraped to Romney as if he thought Romney had already won the primaries, too. Maybe he’s bucking for a Romney/Pawlenty ticket.

4: Michele Bachmann may be a ventriloquist dummy. Her head barely showed above the podium. How do we know her lips were actually moving in sync with the words?

5: Newt Gingrich has nothing new to say. He should change his name to “Oldt”. Of course this turned-out well for him in the debate, since all his campaign people quit on him the day before. But Newt just spewed the same old “Contract On America” garbage – no need for a new script.

The Results Of The New Hampshire Republican Debate

Seven of the over two hundred GOP presidential candidates met in New Hampshire for a debate, sponsored by CNN. Though they all tried to differentiate themselves from their competition, the results were mixed.

It quickly became obvious that Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum are the same person: they look the same, sound the same, and say the same things. But Pawlenty/Santorum gets agility points for moving so quickly between podiums.

Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich are the same height, and though Gingrich has her on weight and reach, Bachmann is somewhat lighter on her feet.

Mitt Romney and Herman Cain are both members of minority communities: Cain is black and Romney is plastic.

Only Ron Paul managed to make himself stand out by constantly implying that all issues are bullshit except getting rid of almost all laws and the Federal Reserve, as he revealed his vision of a Darwinian America based on the principle of “dog-eat-dog”.

The seven candidates struggle to look like different people.