Lindsay Lohan Arrested For Leaving Accident Scene

Lindsay Lohan was arrested in New York after leaving the scene of an accident in which she allegedly hit a pedestrian.

Lohan entered the parking area of the Dream Hotel in her 2010 Porsche Cayenne shortly after midnight, police said. The hotel shares a driveway with a restaurant. Police allege that as Lohan was entering she hit a restaurant employee.

Lohan allegedly continued into the driveway and parked her car, leaving the scene of the accident. When Lohan was arrested she was heard to complain “you mean I have to stop and report an accident every time I run someone over in a parking lot? Do you have any idea how often that happens?”

Raving JetBlue Captain Subdued By Passengers

Passengers aboard a JetBlue flight Bound from New York to Las Vegas subdued the captain of the flight, who apparently emerged from the cockpit raving about terrorists and Jesus. The plane made an emergency landing in Texas where the captain was arrested. "If he had waited until the end of the flight we wouldn't have been able to touch him" FAA authorities said, "because what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas."

Missing Colorado Cat Found In NYC

The cat dreamed of a career on Broadway.

Five years after disappearing from its home in Colorado, a cat named Willow has been found in New York City. Willow had dreams of becoming an actress, but fell on hard times and became a homeless crack addict turning tricks in alleyways. After being apprehended Willow was identified and reunited with her family.

Obama Supports Equal Rights Sort-Of

President Obama declares his nearly unconditional support of equal rights for gay couples

At a fundraising appearance in New York President Barack Obama declared his support for equal rights for gay couples – without actually using the contentious word “marriage”.

“I believe that gay couples deserve the same legal rights as every couple in this country,” Obama said, while adding “as long as it’s not called the same thing it’s called for everyone else – I’m not an idiot, after all, and I know there are some people who are so ignorant and shallow they just want to reserve the word ‘marriage’ for themselves. It helps make them feel superior. And if that’s what it takes to cow-tow to the left while still getting money from the center, well, let’s just say I’m not above playing to both sides.”

Obama spoke on the same day the New York legislature passed a bill authorizing same-sex marriage throughout the state – the sixth and largest state to do so. “If this were some state below the Mason-Dixon line, I wouldn’t even be talking about this, because I want to remain President of the United States, and I know the best way to do that is to avoid being wholly committed to any issue.”

Obama went on to say he’s prepared to appear to fight a little for what he claims to believe in: “I’ll back equal rights for gay couples the same way I backed health care reform: half-heartedly, partially, and fully prepared to back-down at the slightest hint of political resistance from the Republicans.”

Liza With A “Jeez!”

My eyes, my eyes – take them out – I never want light to enter them again!

Liza Minelli turned heads and stomachs at the "Sex and The City" premiere. If this is sex in the city I want to only screw in the woods.

Gadhafi Harangues UN For 90 Minutes

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, wearing Scarlet O’Hara’s curtain outfit from “Gone With The Wind”, addressed the United Nations General Assembly for over 90 minutes on Wednesday. Gadhafi talked about many issues facing the world today: global climate change, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the price of snow tires, and how tough it is to get those little gummi animals in Libya – “Especially the little snakes and worms, the green ones, I love those”.

At one point the “Libyan Strongman” said American President Barack Obama was his son “and Pam Anderson is my daughter – not adopted mind you, the real thing. Also I am the step-brother of Pat Sajak. I’m not sure how Vanna fits into that.”

Gadhafi also complained about his accomodations in New York: “These Kampground of America places, they’re awful. Never enough room for my women and my camels. And the prices!”

Moammar Gadhafi gestures with his hand-written "speech" as he bores the UN nearly to death.

Moammar Gadhafi gestures with his hand-written "speech" as he bores the UN nearly to death.