Obama Ditches Debt Scalpel For Chainsaw

U.S. President Barack Obama has apparently decided to sacrifice the poor, the disabled, and the elderly in order to cut a deal with congressional conservatives on the national debt.

Further revealing himself to be a weak administrator without any vision or spine, President Barack Obama appears to have caved-in to congressional conservatives demands for severe spending cuts that will harm those least able to bear the brunt of budget cuts: those dependent on Medicare and programs such as food stamps.

Congressional conservatives led by House Speaker John Boehner of Ohio see the impending debt crisis as an opportunity to secure tax cuts for their corporate owners at the expense of the nation’s poor. Obama is apparently willing to collude with them in order to get the national debt ceiling raised before an August deadline, when the U.S. will go into default on loans unless congress agrees to increase the allowed national debt.

Rather than increasing taxes on the 400 individuals who own almost 1/2 of the nation’s wealth, Republicans want to make severe spending cuts that will jeopardize the health and livelihoods of millions of poor and elderly Americans dependent of government aid and living on fixed incomes – the very people who elected Obama to office as the nation’s first black President in what many saw as a referendum on eight years of failed conservative policies.

Obama has blinked in the light of conservative resistance before on such issues as health care, seemingly more interested in quick results than substantive policy. He seems far more concerned with establishing a track record of legislative resolutions than on standing by the promises he made to voters just two years ago.

And that’s no joke.

Obama Attacked During Basketball Game

President Barack Obama was attacked during a “friendly” basketball game Friday. The President was hit in the mouth by an “errant” elbow. Alert Secret Service agents immediately wrestled the elbow to the ground.

After being rushed to a nearby hospital the President received stitches on his lower lip. The number of stitches is unknown. A doctor at the hospital, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed “they got to him just in time. A mouth injury can be fatal for a politician”.

A group purported to be “friends and family” of the President were present at the scene of the attack. They were taken to an undisclosed place for interrogation.

Secret Service agents surround the President after an unprovoked attack at a basketball game. Administration officials would not rule-out the possibility of terrorism.

Charlie Sheen Believes U.S. Government Behind Terror

Actor Charlie Sheen, a man known for his erudition and reasoning abilities, has called for a personal meeting with President Barack Obama to discuss Sheen’s theories of government culpability in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. In an interview recently, Sheen was said to have “imagined” a twenty-minute meeting with Obama, and claims “we only need about five more minutes to finish our discussion”.

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

Sheen has also imagined he is a noteworthy celebrity whose opinions are valued by the public, and that giant lizard creatures from the center of the Earth want to kidnap Dolly Parton “and use her to procreate a race of superior Country and Western singing lizards with large hair, who will overrun the surface of the planet and destroy all vestiges of Polka music. We have to act now to protect our Polka heritage”.

Obama Enrages Conservatives, Tells Kids To “Stay In School”

President Barack Obama addressed quite a few of the nation’s students Tuesday, telling them to “stay in school and work hard”. Conservative opponents immediately fired back “I don’t want that commie negro telling MY kids to stay in school and work hard. This is AMERICA and if my kids want to drop out or be slackers, damnit that’s their God-given right!”

Thousands of irate Republican parents pulled their children out of schools and swore they would “never return. Not as long as some Godless commie socialist liberal scum in the White House wants them to!”. School per diem income dropped dramatically, with some states saying they would have to raise taxes to make up the shortfall.

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

Obama told the students “This isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.”

“Right there he’s indoctrinating them into his leftist ideology” one conservative parent said. “You heard it: ‘this isn’t just important for your own life’ – that’s pure commie-talk right there, telling them to think about others, and the future, and un-American stuff like that! Where would this country be if our forefathers had spent time thinking of others, instead of their own property rights and upper-class prerogatives? Why, hell, probably nobody would be poor!”

Cheney Calls Torture Probe “Political”

Former (as in “no longer”) Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney said the Obama administration decision to investigate “enhanced interrogation techniques” is politically motivated. Speaking on Fox News Sunday, Cheney said the investigation is “a witch hunt, in which I am the witch which is being hunted, which is being disguised as an attempt to answer which is which: interrogation techniques which work vs. ones which don’t, which is a stupid question which should not be asked.”

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney, who should have shut-up six months ago as most former (as in “no longer”) Vice Presidents do after leaving office, is worried about his and former (as in “no longer”) Presdent George Bush’s political legacy. “Do we want a Bush administration that will be remembered for being perky, fiesty, spunky, and perhaps a little casual in the handling of firearms? Or do we want one remembered for how many high officials were convicted of war crimes – say like me, for instance?” the former ex-ex-Vice President asked.

Cheney appeared on the Fox program while in-between flights on his way to the annual meeting of “Chief Executives Who Won’t Shut-Up And Go Away Like They’re Supposed To”, or CEWWSUGALTST, an organization founded by former (as in “no longer”) President Jimmy Carter. This year’s featured speaker is former (you fill it in) President Bill Clinton, who will address the rather exclusive audience on the subject of “Getting The Old Rag-and-Bone Out Of The House: The Advantages Of Spouses Running For High Office”.

White House Admits To Spamming

The White House admitted it hired a PR firm to send spam emails in support of President Obama’s health care initiatives, after a week of denying any knowledge of the mass emailings. But it turns-out it was just an honest misunderstanding.
You are talking about a savory potted meat, right?

You are talking about a savory potted meat, right?