114-Year-Old Is Newest Oldest American

With the death of Gertrude Baines on Friday, Mary Josephine Ray is now officially the country’s oldest person at 114. Ms. Ray lives in New Hampshire and…oh, wait, this just in: Mary Josephine Ray has passed-away, just moments ago.

That means a 113-year-old man from Florida, Mr. Walter B. Smy- no, wait, word has just reached GraceLessLand that he, too, has just passed-on.

So, now 112-year-old Pru- no, damn, there she goes, too.

That leaves 111-year-old…ah, crap, forget it.