Poll Indicates GOP Screwed Themselves

(Click the image for the full story at CNN.com)

(Click the image for the full story at CNN.com)

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Poll: 29% Think Armed Struggle Is Coming In U.S.

In another poll conducted at the same time, 71% of Americans were found not to be batshit crazy. Also, of the 29% found to think armed revolution may be needed, 100% thought the Boston Marathon bombers were wrong to attack other Americans. The poll also found that 100% were inconsistent in their thinking. And they don’t vote or read, or actually have any real idea of what is going on in the world around them.

Gingrich Lead Over Romney Drops To 1% In Polls

Over the past week GOP front-runner Newt Gingrich has seen his lead over rival Mitt Romney evaporate. The pair are now in a statistical dead heat at 28% to 27% according to Gallup's nationwide tracking poll.

Santorum Surges To Third Place In Iowa Poll

GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum has not only pulled ahead of Newt Gingrich in the latest Iowa polls, but his campaign Web site is now the first result when you Google his last name.

Rick Santorum has risen from the single digits and is now third behind Mitt Romney and Ron Paul in the latest Des Moines Register poll.  Santorum has pulled ahead of lead weight Newt Gingrich, who has plummeted from first place since the debacle in Gingrich’s home state of Virgina, where he failed to get enough signatures to qualify for the primary ballot.

“People have asked me, ‘When are you going to get your surge? You’re not going anywhere. Your message must not be resonating,'” Santorum said on “Meet The Press” Sunday.

“I said my surge is going to come on January 3rd after the people of Iowa do what they do, whatever it is they actually do in a caucus. I’ve always said my candidacy is based on a last-minute, come-from-behind miracle – the kind of thing it’s not really reasonable to depend on in real life. Some kind of out-of-left-field and off-the-wall bizarre circumstance the likes of which no one could possibly predict. The kind of fairy-tale-Hollywood-ending only the most dim-witted and easily fooled people on Earth would ever accept as reality. My campaign has always been based on a total, utter, and complete fantasy that people would ever think of the name ‘Santorum’ without thinking of anal sex.”

Most political analysts attribute Santorum’s rise to Gingrich’s fall: “Voters don’t really like Rick Santorum – I mean you can’t even say the guy’s name without cringing and thinking of anal sex – but it’s more that people have seen through the curtain of lies Newt Gingrich hides behind. People are fed-up with Gingrich posing as an intellectual, and are quite frankly horrified by his assertions that the Supreme Court and the Bill of Rights are obstacles he would not feel bound by as President. Even Santorum’s association with the act of one person sticking their penis into another person’s rectum isn’t as distasteful as Newt Gingrich” one informed source said.

Perry Matches Romney In Polls Without Actually Running

Texas Governor Rick Perry explains his campaign strategy which he calls "MAD", or "Might Actually Do'er". "Do'er" is of course Texan slang for screwing a person or a country.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is just two polling points behind Mitt Romney in the latest CNN/ORC International poll. Of those Republicans and Independents who identify themselves as likely to vote for a Republican candidate 15 percent favor Perry, while 17 percent favor Romney. The poll has an error margin of more than 2% – making the two front-runners dead even.

“It’s the unknown factor X” one pollster said. “No one knows who the hell Rick Perry is, so he looks pretty good compared to the rest of the pack. There hasn’t been time for the media to smear him, and he hasn’t had enough national exposure to act like a moron in front of people.”

Former 1/2 Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former sane person Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, are at 12 percent apiece. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Australian pitchable-midget Rep. Michele Bachmann are so far behind they can’t even be seen on the horizon – not surprising considering they are only 2 feet tall.

Poll Shows Voters Disatisfied With GOP Candidates

Seven of the approximately 2,000 GOP presidential candidates at the recent New Hampshire debate.

A national Bloomberg News Poll indicates that likely GOP voters don’t find much to get excited over in the current crop of 2012 presidential candidates. 58% of voters likely to vote for a GOP candidate “hoped another candidate would throw their hat in the ring”.

Of that group, 34% couldn’t tell the difference between Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum. 43% disliked Mitt Romney because his facial expression never changes. 100% thought Ron Paul is insane. 63% would vote for Herman Cain if they got a free pizza. And finally 86% of voters likely to vote GOP thought Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann were too small to hold office.

54% of those polled say they will likely vote to re-elect President Obama just because they figure he’s already screwed-up as is much is humanly possible and can only get better in a second term. 30% of those voters say they will definitely vote for Obama because they are unimaginative and dull.