Charlie Sheen Believes U.S. Government Behind Terror

Actor Charlie Sheen, a man known for his erudition and reasoning abilities, has called for a personal meeting with President Barack Obama to discuss Sheen’s theories of government culpability in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. In an interview recently, Sheen was said to have “imagined” a twenty-minute meeting with Obama, and claims “we only need about five more minutes to finish our discussion”.

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

Sheen has also imagined he is a noteworthy celebrity whose opinions are valued by the public, and that giant lizard creatures from the center of the Earth want to kidnap Dolly Parton “and use her to procreate a race of superior Country and Western singing lizards with large hair, who will overrun the surface of the planet and destroy all vestiges of Polka music. We have to act now to protect our Polka heritage”.

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Obama Enrages Conservatives, Tells Kids To “Stay In School”

President Barack Obama addressed quite a few of the nation’s students Tuesday, telling them to “stay in school and work hard”. Conservative opponents immediately fired back “I don’t want that commie negro telling MY kids to stay in school and work hard. This is AMERICA and if my kids want to drop out or be slackers, damnit that’s their God-given right!”

Thousands of irate Republican parents pulled their children out of schools and swore they would “never return. Not as long as some Godless commie socialist liberal scum in the White House wants them to!”. School per diemĀ incomeĀ dropped dramatically, with some states saying they would have to raise taxes to make up the shortfall.

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

Obama told the students “This isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.”

“Right there he’s indoctrinating them into his leftist ideology” one conservative parent said. “You heard it: ‘this isn’t just important for your own life’ – that’s pure commie-talk right there, telling them to think about others, and the future, and un-American stuff like that! Where would this country be if our forefathers had spent time thinking of others, instead of their own property rights and upper-class prerogatives? Why, hell, probably nobody would be poor!”