New “Star Wars” Spoilers

Here at GraceLessLand we are privy to some inside information about “The Force Awakens”, mostly because this stuff is pretty obvious from the trailers.

  • Luke has gone over to the Dark Side – that’s him in the mask holding the red lightsaber. He has become obsessed with making his father’s dream of galactic domination a reality. This is great for Mark Hamill, because not only has it been a long time between paychecks but Darth Vader was much more popular than Luke Skywalker ever was, so he should be able to milk this for a ton of voice-over jobs, and he can double his autograph fee at conventions.
  • Han Solo has found true love – with his best friend and better-half, Chewbacca. That’s what Princess Leia is crying about when she hugs him in the trailer. But Han and Chewie are unable to marry under the repressive laws of the desert planet they are living on, and so once again they must fight for what is right.
  • Princess Leia is not handling menopause well – when she has hot flashes her Force Powers cause people around her to spontaneously combust.
  • C3PO and R2D2 aren’t droids – but are actually a Jedi mind-trick to conceal their true identities as the actual twins fathered by Darth Vader. This is why they are never the droids you are looking for.
  • Storm Troopers are not clones – they are temps – that’s why they are so bad at their job.