Ron Paul Suspends “Active” Campaign

Ron Paul announced he is suspending his “active campaign” for the GOP presidential nomination, allaying fears that he would continue to run even though he had no hope of accomplishing anything except boring everyone to death with his constant whining about the Federal Reserve.

Romney Waylaid By Ron Paul Supporter

A Ron Paul supporter asked Mitt Romney a question regarding race and his Mormon beliefs at a campaign appearance in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

Gingrich Comes In A Sad And Sorry Last Place In Illinois

Once again Newt "I'm The President!" Gingrich was dealt a severe setback in his plan to become King of the Moon, as the state of Illinois said even Ron Paul is preferable as a short, old, insane presidential candidate.

More Southern Discomfort For Gingrich

Mississippi voters agreed with Alabamans that Rick Santorum might be just the kind of crazy needed to beat Barack Obama in November. However they managed to send a mixed message by giving Newt Gingrich a second place win just 2 percentage points behind. And Mitt Romney was right after Gingrich with just 1% less. Ron Paul gave one of his worst showings yet - a real boost toward that job he's eying on Fox News.

Gingrich Pounded Into Grits In South

Rick Santorum beat both Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich by a tidy 6% in the Alabama primary. Ron Paul happily brought up the rear, further securing himself a spot in the Fox News lineup as a losing presidential candidate.

Gingrich Flattened By Santorum And Romney In Kansas

Rick Santorum impressed voters in Kansas by actually showing up to campaign there, while his opponents worked for victories in the upcoming primaries in Alabama and Mississippi. Ron Paul made a short trip to Kansas to plead with people not to vote for him as he continues to angle for a show on Fox News.

Gingrich Loses All But One State On Super Tuesday

Mitt Romney maintained his lead but did not get a mandate in the crucial "Super Tuesday" primaries in ten states. The only question is will Ron Paul now drop out of the race after failing to place first in any state? Of course even though he only won his home state of Georgia, and then not by that big a margin, Newt "Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands" Gingrich will feel justified in painfully drawing out his pathetic attempt to get attention.

Gingrich Loses Wyoming Caucu – Oh Who Gives A Shit!

That’s it – we’ve had it with these states with their jive pussy-assed caucuses! If you can’t have a real election like normal people then we’re not going to even talk about you, let alone put in the time to make a graphic for like 2,000 fucking voters!

Either move into the 21st century by moving into the 20th century and hold a damned election or just shut the Hell up!

Gingrich Loses Spectacularly In Arizona

Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum once again split the lead in the Arizona primary, but this time Romney had a much stronger finish. Newt Gingrich was a sad and pathetically distant third, and Ron Paul slipped back into the sub-ten percent range.

Gingrich Almost Non-existant In Michigan

Mitt Romney has regained his dominant position in the Republican primaries by winning in Michigan, but Rick Santorum made a strong showing in Romney's old home state. Ron Paul broke the 10 percent mark, while other candidates brought up the rear.

A Pledge

You hear them say it almost every day: “As President on day one I’ll repeal Obamacare” or “When I’m President I’ll cut Planned Parenthood’s funding on day one” or “On day one I’ll have Nancy Pelosi abducted and dumped in the ocean”.

But can they really do that stuff? Well, no, according to this article:

For all candidates, it is important to note that an executive order cannot overrule a law passed by the Senate and House and signed by a former president. Therefore, though a candidate may want to abolish the Affordable Care Act with the stroke of a pen, it would take a full-fledged bill to do that.

Candidates Out-Conservative Each Other At Arizona Debate

GOP candidates Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney, and Newt "I Can Reach It!" Gingrich prepare to establish their conservative cred at what may be the last debate of the primaries.

Republicans Split On Romney And Santorum

According to recent polls Republican voters are divided along gender and economic lines between candidates Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum, while those who are either hopelessly evil or insane are divided over also-rans Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul.

Gingrich Demolished In Maine Caucuses

In the latest results from a state that doesn't have enough people to have real primary elections Mitt Romney and Ron Paul split the majority of whatever passes for votes in a caucus.

Gingrich Completely Blown-Away In Sidekick Tuesday Races

Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum won the latest round of the GOP primary crapshoot Tuesday, winning all three contests in Colorado, Minnesota, and non-binding Missouri. Mitt Romney, until now the Republican front-runner, came-in second, and sometimes third. Newt "This Can't Be Right" Gingrich has been relegated to bottom-feeder status, even losing to Ron Paul in Minnesota.

Gingrich Humiliated In Nevada Caucuses

Yeah - okay, obviously we just recycled the graphic from the Florida primary. At first that was going to be just because we didn't expect the placement of any of the candidates to change, so all we'd have to do is change the result totals. But then who would have thought Ron Paul wouldn't be in last place? So we had to do a bit more work on it, which sucked because of the hangover we have from the party celebrating our 500th post a few minutes ago.

Gingrich Loses Big In Florida

With 80% of Florida's voting precincts reporting GraceLessLand is projecting Newt Gingrich to lose the Florida Republican Primary to Mitt Romney a whopping 32% to 47%.

Official GOP megalomaniac Newt “Bow Before Me” Gingrich has suffered a tremendous blow to his ego and his campaign in the Florida Republican presidential primary. Mitt Romney crushed Gingrich by a 15% margin, making the already diminutive former Speaker of the House of Representatives of the United States of America several inches shorter and almost a foot larger in diameter.

“I won’t be making a concession speech” Gingrich told a crowd of several supporters. “Instead I’m going to pull a Gore and demand a recount. And I won’t forget this, Florida! You’re on my list – once I take my rightful place as President of the United States and Lord of the Moon, I’m going to ship the whole lot of you to Pluto to work in the ice mines!”

With 80% of Florida’s precincts reporting we predict Romney will win with at least 47% of the vote – and with 20% of precincts to go his percentage could go up and be even more humiliating for Gingrich, who only managed to garner 32% of Florida’s predominantly aged and infirm Republican voters, who are often confused when intending to vote for Romney and therefore accidentally vote for other candidates who aren’t Romney. For example 13% of them voted for Rick Santorum by mistake simply because their hands shake and they punch the wrong button, and Santorum comes after Romney in the alphabetical ballot listing.

Ron Paul took-in 7% of the vote, not coincidentally the exact percentage of Floridian voters who are drunks reeling about in the Florida Keys dressed like Earnest Hemingway and pining for the “good old days when we could get drunk and screw hookers cheap in Cuba”.

What Did We Learn From The CNN/Florida Debate?

Newt Gingrich was the main target Thursday night in Florida as the four remaining GOP presidential candidates engaed in the last debate before the Florida primary vote.

At least one of the gloves came off for each of the Republican candidates as they struggled to gain advantage over one another in the final GOP debate before the Florida primary on Tuesday.

NEWT GINGRICH: Managed to avoid talking about the lies he told America and John King when he said he had “witnesses” that approached ABC to rebut the interview his ex-wife did, in which she revealed what a callous ass-chaser he is. Wolf Blitzer wasn’t going anywhere near that stuff, although there was an uncomfortable moment when the candidates were asked why their wife would make a good first lady. It almost appeared as if Gingrich might say “which one?”

MITT ROMNEY: Is still handicapped by being embarrassingly rich. He did manage to deflect most of the blame for his wealth on the trustee of his “blind trust”. A blind trust is like a super PAC – there is no coordination between the candidate and the trustee/PAC manager, unless you count daily phone calls and deleted emails.

RICK SANTORUM: May have screwed-up when he let it slip he thinks global warming is a hoax. While he was careful to affirm his faith in God, he probably doesn’t want to alienate fence-sitting independents who don’t think science is an abomination.

RON PAUL: Managed to turn every question into a criticism of the Federal Reserve system. At this point you start to think even though he’s a doctor he may think the Fed causes cancer.

What Did We Learn From The Fox News/South Carolina Debate?

The five remaining GOP presidential candidates articulate their separate foreign policies at the Fox News debate in South Carolina Monday.

Here are some salient points picked up from the latest Republican debate presented by Fox News just prior to the South Carolina primary election:

MITT ROMNEY: Has gotten really good at answering the question about being a “vulture capitalist”. He can now make raping a punch-drunk company sound like making sweet, sweet love.

RICK PERRY: Has apparently changed his medication because several times during the debate he did an excellent impression of thinking quickly. Of course he wasn’t – someone in the audience was giving him hand signals.

RICK SANTORUM: Is getting his feisty on. A couple of times he led Mitt Romney right into the corner where he sucker punched him with embarrassingly moderate moments from Romney’s record.

NEWT GINGRICH: Has some kind of deal with Juan Williams that when the crowd is against Newt Juan will act like an angry black liberal and give Newt the opportunity to make a stirring speech about just how and why minorities are inferior. The crowd ended by giving him a standing ovation.

RON PAUL: Still hasn’t learned to keep from saying things Republicans don’t want to hear, like it may not only be illegal but morally wrong for the U.S. to simply go into other countries and assassinate people. Which brings us to the main thing we learned here….

Republicans love to kill! Killing people, especially foreigners in foreign countries, got the biggest standing ovation of the evening. Everyone except Ron Paul said loud and clear they think the United States has the right to go anywhere, any time, for any reason, and kill anyone we want. Romney as much as declared war on just about everyone, including citizens of the U.S. who are suspected of terrorist sympathies. So it was a good night for saber rattling and testicle shaking.

Romney Wins, All Others Lose In New Hampshire

GOP front-runner Mitt Romney checks his campaign strategy after a solid win in the New Hampshire Republican primary.

Mitt Romney easily won the New Hampshire Republican primary with 40% of the vote, making the former Massachusetts governor 2-for-2 in the race for the GOP presidential nomination, with only 48 more states to go.

A combination of tough campaigning, appealing to moderate New Hampshirans, and not being Newt Gingrich led Romney to almost doubling the second place showing by Texas representative Ron Paul (23%).

The still-unknown Guy From Utah surged from a miserable last-place finish in Iowa to the third spot with a respectable 17%, probably because ultra-conservative wunderkind Rick Santorum is not only far too right-wing to appeal to New Hampshirites, but is still dogged by subconscious associations with anal sex.

Former House Speaker Newt “I Don’t Need No Stinking Ethics” Gingrich took a fourth place finish with 10% of the New Hampsharean vote. Gingrich complained that once again negative campaigning hurt him – although this time it was his negative campaigning against Romney that did him in, plus the fact he is just slightly to the right of Genghis Khan.

In fifth place, Santorum still out-polled Texas Governor Rick Perry with 9% to Perry’s 1%. Perry is not expected to pout and threaten to go back to Texas and hold his breath as he did after Iowa, since he knew he would do terrible with moderate New Hampshireens.


Paul And Guy From Utah Battle For Losing In New Hampshire

With about 1/5 of all precincts reporting it appears Mitt Romney will only surprise us by how large his win is. Unknown challenger Guy From Utah is having his "Santorum Moment" of the election, while Ron Paul does his usual not enough.

High Stakes Race In New Hampshire

In an attempt to get more voters to come to the polls New Hampshire has upped the stakes in this year's Republican primary: the loser will be executed on public-access cable television.

What Did We Learn From The ABC New Hampshire Debate?

The six remaining GOP presidential hopefuls met for the first of two debates this weekend. Over 3,000 candidates have now dropped-out of the race.

The remaining candidates in the race for the Republican presidential nomination took to the stage in New Hampshire Saturday for a debate sponsored by ABC News. The questions came from Diane Sawyer, George Stephanopoulos, and some local guy with a phony announcer voice.

MITT ROMNEY: Romney is thoroughly enjoying being the front runner, but painfully aware that Rick Santorum is nipping at his heels. However, Romney seems confident, probably because his last name doesn’t make people think of anal sex. If Romney could wipe that stupid “waiting for my turn” grin off his face, and perhaps regulate his speech so he doesn’t sound like an over-eager school kid who knows the answer, he would actually be an attractive, plastic, run-of-the-mill candidate.

RICK SANTORUM: Santorum smiled for the first time since 2010. His face had visible cracks in it. He jousted with both Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul as he tried to downplay his lack of business experience and play up his experience as a Washington insider – which is probably not the best strategy to have.

RON PAUL: Paul stuck to his usual game plan: chip away at the others staid, old-school ideas while promoting his libertarian agenda as something fresh, and make incendiary accusations about his rivals and watch them trip all over themselves trying to respond. Unfortunately for Paul his libertarian ideas are about as fresh as a month-old dead catfish, and his Cliff Claven know-it-all attitude is starting to wear thin.

NEWT GINGRICH: Took some shots at Santorum and Romney, but mainly stayed with his strengths: sounding as if he actually knows what he’s talking about even if he really obviously doesn’t. Although his analysis of the mid-east situation was pretty realistic, his views on social issues and economics are prehistoric.

RICK PERRY: Perry made a lame attempt to mimic Gingrich’s obvious pandering to the religious right, as he said some inane b.s. about President Obama’s “war on Christianity”. Perry then took the big step and announced the end of his campaign when he said as President he would send troops back to Iraq. Game over. Thanks for playing.

GUY FROM UTAH: Whoever this guy is he seems to know a lot about China – which seems really suspicious. I mean he can even speak Chinese. He may be a spy.

We also learned that George Stephanopoulos can ask some pretty dumb hypothetical questions about candidates views on situations that don’t exist. Also Diane Sawyer has a fairly smarmy kindergarten teacher mannerism when asking a question, as if she doesn’t want anyone on the stage to feel any anxiety about having to answer.

Gingrich Loses In Iowa

Super-conservative Newt "Herd 'Em Into Camps" Gingrich addresses a crowd in Iowa after he placed a distant fourth in the state caucuses.

Newt Gingrich finished the Iowa caucuses a distant fourth (13%) to Ron Paul (21%) in a disappointing and humiliating defeat at the hands of Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney (25% each), who finished the race virtually tied for first place.

A crushed and deflated Gingrich thanked his supporters in Iowa, telling them both how much he appreciated their tireless efforts, and how the pair came within a narrow but wide margin of putting Gingrich somewhere but not at the top of the state polling.

But with 96% of the votes tallied Gingrich had to admit that “the electoral system in this country is broken and in need of repair. First I can’t qualify for the ballot in my home state of Virginia. Now I didn’t easily defeat that big-mouthed Mormon pansy Mitt Romney in Iowa. Something is seriously wrong!”

Gingrich went on to characterize American voters as “a bunch of fickle bitches! When I am crowned President for Life I’m going to take some names and do some house cleaning – and I mean permanently!

Just a few weeks ago Gingrich was leading in national polls and arrogantly claimed when he is President he will ignore the Supreme Court and the Bill of Rights, create a “second CIA” as a secret police force to spy on and interrogate persons in the United States (contrary to the CIA’s mandate NOT to engage in domestic espionage), and  how he would redecorate the White House with some “new lampshades – a sort of leather-look, if you know what I mean.”

While such comments endeared Gingrich to the quickly fading “Tea Party” ultra-fascist wing of the Republican party, he lost support with the almost-equally craven fundamentalist Christian element of the GOP. Those voters, especially prominent in Iowa, turned to former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who said as President he would appoint only fetuses to the Supreme Court and “get that ‘reproductive rights’ bullshit cut-out of our national body of laws!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry placed fifth in Iowa with only 10% of the vote. He announced he will return to his home state to “re-assess” his campaign, meaning he isn’t quite ready to but will ultimately officially quit. This is quite a downturn for the once high-riding candidate who held a lead in national polls until his inability to speak, think, or even count on his fingers became evident to voters.

Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann garnered only 5% of the Iowa vote, but most analysts think she is so bat-shit crazy she won’t drop-out of the race until sometime in 2013.

Some guy from Utah got 1% – no one knows who he is.

A grand total of 121,459 votes were cast in the somewhat informal and statistically irrelevant caucuses. In fact so few convention delegates are selected in Iowa it’s surprising anyone pays any attention at all.