Two Asteroids Will Make Near-Earth Transit Today

Two large asteroids will make very, very close aproaches to Earth on Wednesday. Named Bronson Alpha and Bronson Beta after their South African discoverer, the two “rocks” will pass closer to the Earth than any others in recorded history. The government wishes to assure everyone there is no danger, and rumors the government has built a gigantic “Space Ark” to save politicians and their families are just that: rumors.

Please remain indoors and do not believe anything you see on cable news.

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Astronomers Confirm Discovery Of Rocky Planet

Astronomers confirmed the first discovery of an Earth-like Rocky planet¬†orbiting in another solar system. The planet is roughly twice the size of Earth, but orbits its star at less distance than Mercury orbits the Sun. Astronomer Artie Hatzes was quoted as saying “We would have never dreamed you would find a rocky planet so close. Its year is less than one of our days.”

Using the newly upgraded Hubble Space Telescope, scientists were able to zoom-in on the planet’s surface. They found an advanced civilization composed entirely of over-the-hill boxers who are trying to make a comeback. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell the people from the statues of themselves they seem to put in front of every building. As they all run around in sweats with their clenched fists raised in the air, it can get confusing” Hatzie said.

Astronomers expect to find a nearby Adrienne planet, because “it’s impossible for a Rocky planet to make a comeback without a nearby support system, even though the Rocky planet doesn’t always appreciate the Adrienne planet.”