Obama Changes Date Of Jobs Speech To Congress

President Barack Obama explains why he changed the date of his address to Congress about jobs.

President Barack Obama changed the date of his address to the U.S. Congress on the subject of jobs from September 7 to September 8 after House Speaker John Boehner (R – Ohio) complained the date conflicted with a Republican presidential primary debate.

“The debate is being held at the Ronald Reagan Library in California” a White House spokesperson said. “The President didn’t want to come into conflict with the Republican’s religious traditions – he believes in the separation of church and state.”

Thousands of Republican pilgrims will make the journey to the Reagan Library, where after the debate they will take part in the ceremonial sacrifice of civil rights and the traditional burning of the U.S. Constitution for “national security reasons”.

Advertisements

Leaders Of The Free World Address U.S. Citizens

It was kind of like they were trying to get their mom to mediate a dispute.

President Barack Obama and House Speaker John Boehner appealed directly to the American people in their attempts to find a solution to the debt stalemate.

Fortunately, Joe Wilson HAS The Guts

It takes real guts to heckle the President of the United States, particularly if you are a member of Congress, and especially if theĀ President is addressing Congress at the time. Fortunately for the proud people of South Carolina, Representative Joe Wilson has the guts. Lots of ’em, hanging-out all over his belt buckle, and probably seething with the kind of stomach acid even grits won’t soak up.

Wilson shouted “You lying negro commie socialist wetback lover!” (or words to that effect) at one point during President Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday night, when Obama assured the Congress and the nation that his new Health Care plan would not cover illegal aliens. Later in the speech, Obama called for civility in the health care debate, at which point Wilson vomited down the front of his shirt.

Rep. Joe Wilson (R - SC) charges the podium during President Obama's address to Congress Wednesday night. A few minutes earlier Wilson vomited a large blue tie down the front of his shirt

Rep. Joe Wilson (R - SC) charges the podium during President Obama's address to Congress Wednesday night. A few minutes earlier Wilson vomited a large blue tie down the front of his shirt

Undeterred, Obama went on to summon the ghost of the late Ted Kennedy. Kennedy duly appeared, floating in the air above the audience and, giggling, peed on Senate minority leader Mitch McConnel. Several in the audience said the tubby spectre seemed to be intoxicated.

After the speech, Wilson called the White House to apologize, saying “I’m sorry you’re a lying negro commie socialist wetback lover – really, I am.” There was no report on if the apology was accepted.

Obama Enrages Conservatives, Tells Kids To “Stay In School”

President Barack Obama addressed quite a few of the nation’s students Tuesday, telling them to “stay in school and work hard”. Conservative opponents immediately fired back “I don’t want that commie negro telling MY kids to stay in school and work hard. This is AMERICA and if my kids want to drop out or be slackers, damnit that’s their God-given right!”

Thousands of irate Republican parents pulled their children out of schools and swore they would “never return. Not as long as some Godless commie socialist liberal scum in the White House wants them to!”. School per diemĀ incomeĀ dropped dramatically, with some states saying they would have to raise taxes to make up the shortfall.

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

The President managed to avoid any controversial statements in his address to students

Obama told the students “This isn’t just important for your own life and your own future. What you make of your education will decide nothing less than the future of this country. What you’re learning in school today will determine whether we as a nation can meet our greatest challenges in the future.”

“Right there he’s indoctrinating them into his leftist ideology” one conservative parent said. “You heard it: ‘this isn’t just important for your own life’ – that’s pure commie-talk right there, telling them to think about others, and the future, and un-American stuff like that! Where would this country be if our forefathers had spent time thinking of others, instead of their own property rights and upper-class prerogatives? Why, hell, probably nobody would be poor!”