Diana Nyad Quits Latest Attempt To Swim Florida Channel

Swimmer Diana Nyad has given-up her third attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida after being stung by jellyfish twice.

Diana Nyad, endurance swimmer and multiple record-holder, has stopped her third attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida after being stung by jellyfish, encountering swift currents, and realizing it was a really long way to swim, after all.

Goodwill Basketball Game Ends In Fight

A goodwill basketball game between the U.S. Georgetown college team and the Chinese military Bayi Rockets turned into a fist-fight Thursday.

The fight seems to be a misunderstanding. In Chinese the words “Geolge Towrn” mean “Fuck You Little Chinese Assholes”; while in English the words “Bayee Rochets” means absolutely nothing.

Democrats Wallop Republicans 8-2

The 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game ended in an 8 – 2 victory for Democrats, who were spurred-on by their cheerleader Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D – CA). “This is probably the only congressional battle we’re going to win for another year at least – so it feels great!” Pelosi said.

The game has been played since 1909 with sporadic interruptions for stuff like wars and depressions. Proceeds from the event go to charity.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi congratulates the victors in the 50th annual Congressional Baseball Game.

Vancouver Fans Riot After Losing Stanley Cup

Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).

A hockey game broke-out at a riot in Vancouver B.C. Thursday, and then the riot resumed with traditional car burning.

Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.

The funny part is these two weren't even at the Stanley Cup final game - they were already doing this when the rioting started.

Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.

A typical Canadian breakfast

Obama Attacked During Basketball Game

President Barack Obama was attacked during a “friendly” basketball game Friday. The President was hit in the mouth by an “errant” elbow. Alert Secret Service agents immediately wrestled the elbow to the ground.

After being rushed to a nearby hospital the President received stitches on his lower lip. The number of stitches is unknown. A doctor at the hospital, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed “they got to him just in time. A mouth injury can be fatal for a politician”.

A group purported to be “friends and family” of the President were present at the scene of the attack. They were taken to an undisclosed place for interrogation.

Secret Service agents surround the President after an unprovoked attack at a basketball game. Administration officials would not rule-out the possibility of terrorism.

Tiger Woods Sincerely Insincerely Apologizes

A tearful Tiger Woods apologized to his wife, his kids, his parents, his fans, everyone in the room, everyone watching on television, and to a potted fern next to the lectern for having the kind of sex life most men only dream about.

Because the soulless ratings whores in the news media saturated the universe with Woods’ private sexual escapades with real whores, Woods had no choice but to read a carefully prepared statement to a room full of carefully picked spectators, without answering any questions that aren’t anyone else’s business anyway. At one point he held his onion-drenched hands up to his eyes and cried. Then he hugged his mom and ran like hell back into “rehab”.

What kind of rehab? Probably he sits in a quiet room while someone with a calculator adds up all the money he’s lost in endorsements and winnings, while Tiger studiously chants “money not pussy, money not pussy,…”.

Many of the companies Woods worked for as a pitchman have said they will take him back now that doing so has the least shred of respectability attached to it, no matter how tenuous. They of course have not apologized for over-reacting in the first place and dropping him because they are fearful mercantile whores.

And one of the whores Woods had sex with has hired attorney-to-the-scummy Gloria Allred and held a press conference where she claims Woods lied to her. She claims he said he loved her, and that she was the only woman he was cheating on his wife with. Allred will seek undetermined damages for Woods deceitful behavior in lying to the woman who was screwing him behind his wife’s back.

Elin Woods, Tiger’s wife, was not present at the completely spontaneous scripted and planned apology. She has not decided yet if she will stay with Woods, or leave him to do her own reality show “I Can Now Make More Money Than He Did By Being A Victim”.

Caster Semenya Debate: Hitting Below The Belt?

The controversy over Caster Semenya continues. The South African runner, who posted the fastest times ever for a female runner at the world championships in Berlin last month, claims to be female. But now information has come to light that a gender test before the Berlin competition indicates Semenya may be male, and that Atheletics South Africa (ASA) chief medical officer Harold Adams covered-up the results. Adams first called for the tests because of Semenya’s deep voice, five o’clock shadow, and prominent adam’s apple.

“We must be careful these days not to promote gender stereotypes” Adams said in a statement. “Just because this athelete has abnormal testosterone levels, a drivers’ license that says ‘Gender: M’ on it, a penis, a wife and three children, and the word ‘semen’ in her name does not automatically mean she may be male. We wanted to wait until after the championships before coming forward, or not coming coming forward, depending on if Semenya won or not.”

Caster Semenya celebrates after crushing the competition at the World Atheletic Championships in Berlin. We are unable to show the athelete from the waist down due to legal restrictions.

Caster Semenya celebrates after crushing the competition at the World Atheletic Championships in Berlin. We are unable to show the athelete from the waist down due to legal restrictions.