Ballmer Out At Microsoft

(Click the image for the full story at CNN.com)

(Click the image for the full story at CNN.com)

 

Click here to see a video of Steve Ballmer in 1985 announcing Windows 1.0 (before his voice changed).

 

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Microsoft Surprises No One With Tablet Announcement

Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer, looking more than slightly like a deer caught in Apple’s headlights, announces Microsoft’s soon-to-fail tablet entry, the Surface. Microsoft will manufacture millions of these, pour ungodly amounts of money into marketing and sales, and in the end will dump them into the Baltic Sea along with all those millions of copies of “Bob”.

Microsoft Buys Skype

Microsoft Corporation bought Skype, it’s Web-based chat system, it’s employees, and its 660 million users for $8.5 billion. The purchase seems to have been an impulse buy, as Microsoft has not yet announced how they plan to screw the company up and ruin its user experience by integrating it into products like Internet Explorer and Messenger.

Microsoft's Steve Ballmer welcomes Skype CEO Tony Bates to his new position.

Windows Vista SP 3 In Two Days

Microsoft has announced that the latest service pack for Windows Vista will be released on October 22. The new patch offers bug fixes and a few Macintosh-like enhancements, but offers very little new functionality. The two big new features are it’s called “Windows 7”, and you’ll have to pay for it.

“It’s all about burying our past mistakes” said Microsoft jefe Steve Ballmer. “We want as many people as possible to forget there ever was a Vista, but we don’t want to introduce any new complications, so we just slapped the same old shit in a new box. And we’ve added great new features, like Aero Shake.”

With Aero Shake, when the user clicks on a window title bar and shakes the mouse, all other open windows disappear. We pointed-out that Vista actually does this about half the time now. “Yeah, but that’s a bug, and Aero Shake is a feature” Ballmer said.

Microsoft is also bundling the 32-bit and 64-bit versions of the operating system together, because “we thought it would be nice if people with 64-bit machines could go back and install the 32-bit version when none of the 64-bit drivers work.”

Microsoft is also opening its first retail store to coincide with the release of Vista SP 3/Windows 7. The storeĀ is located in Scottsdale, Arizona, the well-known geographic center of computing for the entire planet, unlike those out-of-the-way places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, etc.