Okay, let’s start with the young lady. While I admire her desire to acheive complete streamlining of form, we must talk about tanning: the idea of tanning is to get an even, all-over darkening effect of the epidermis. You really mustn’t wear a bag on your head while lying in the machine, or you will appear to have your head Photoshopped on someone else’s body.
And now, for the unfortunate science experiment gone awry on the right. Firstly you need a nose to breathe – I know, I know, Michael Jackson seemed to get along just fine without one – but look how that turned out. Next, see my remarks about the point of tanning above: you really must get out of the machine before being afflicted with second-degree burns! I mean look at you – over-tanning has burned the lips right off your face.
THE TANNING MACHINE WORKS JUST LIKE A TOASTER! Turn the knob down to “lightly browned”, otherwise you will suffer the fate of English muffins, which are just too thick to be toasted at the same setting as Wonder bread!