Obama Attacked During Basketball Game

President Barack Obama was attacked during a “friendly” basketball game Friday. The President was hit in the mouth by an “errant” elbow. Alert Secret Service agents immediately wrestled the elbow to the ground.

After being rushed to a nearby hospital the President received stitches on his lower lip. The number of stitches is unknown. A doctor at the hospital, speaking under condition of anonymity, revealed “they got to him just in time. A mouth injury can be fatal for a politician”.

A group purported to be “friends and family” of the President were present at the scene of the attack. They were taken to an undisclosed place for interrogation.

Secret Service agents surround the President after an unprovoked attack at a basketball game. Administration officials would not rule-out the possibility of terrorism.


Crotch Bomber Babe’s Boobs

This is hysterical. Here’s a story on CNN’s site about some of the passengers on the plane that the infamous Crotch Bomber tried to blow-up last Christmas. First, about half the comments are about Melinda Dennis’ boobs – which she is very obviously shoving at the camera (perhaps with visions of her own reality series dancing in her head?). And if they aren’t talking about them, they’re speculating that the whole thing was somehow a government set-up, apparently because the U.S. intelligence services don’t think people are scared enough to fly?

Just when you think stuff might be making sense, reality goes awry like this to prolong our constant state of confusion.

Charlie Sheen Believes U.S. Government Behind Terror

Actor Charlie Sheen, a man known for his erudition and reasoning abilities, has called for a personal meeting with President Barack Obama to discuss Sheen’s theories of government culpability in the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. In an interview recently, Sheen was said to have “imagined” a twenty-minute meeting with Obama, and claims “we only need about five more minutes to finish our discussion”.

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

A still from a public service announcement warning people to avoid Charlie Sheen

Sheen has also imagined he is a noteworthy celebrity whose opinions are valued by the public, and that giant lizard creatures from the center of the Earth want to kidnap Dolly Parton “and use her to procreate a race of superior Country and Western singing lizards with large hair, who will overrun the surface of the planet and destroy all vestiges of Polka music. We have to act now to protect our Polka heritage”.

Cheney Calls Torture Probe “Political”

Former (as in “no longer”) Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney said the Obama administration decision to investigate “enhanced interrogation techniques” is politically motivated. Speaking on Fox News Sunday, Cheney said the investigation is “a witch hunt, in which I am the witch which is being hunted, which is being disguised as an attempt to answer which is which: interrogation techniques which work vs. ones which don’t, which is a stupid question which should not be asked.”

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney, who should have shut-up six months ago as most former (as in “no longer”) Vice Presidents do after leaving office, is worried about his and former (as in “no longer”) Presdent George Bush’s political legacy. “Do we want a Bush administration that will be remembered for being perky, fiesty, spunky, and perhaps a little casual in the handling of firearms? Or do we want one remembered for how many high officials were convicted of war crimes – say like me, for instance?” the former ex-ex-Vice President asked.

Cheney appeared on the Fox program while in-between flights on his way to the annual meeting of “Chief Executives Who Won’t Shut-Up And Go Away Like They’re Supposed To”, or CEWWSUGALTST, an organization founded by former (as in “no longer”) President Jimmy Carter. This year’s featured speaker is former (you fill it in) President Bill Clinton, who will address the rather exclusive audience on the subject of “Getting The Old Rag-and-Bone Out Of The House: The Advantages Of Spouses Running For High Office”.

Blair: No Deal For Lockerbie Terrorist Release

An excerpt from a BBC Interview:

“No, really, there was no deal to release Abdelbeset Ali Mohmed al Megrahi. It’s like I always told the Libyans, I don’t have the power to release him. What – oh – like the tan? Yes I just got back from a vacation in the Persian Gulf.  Anyway, why would we even want to release Mr. al Megrahi? Excuse me? Oh, you noticed the new Mercedes? Yes, I quite like it. It was a gift…from a, er, friend. Anyway, to get back to the point here – oh, hang-on, about 100,000 Euros just fell out of my jacket pocket. Could you just give me hand…?”