Apple Posts Only $8.8 Billion In Net Income

Markets crashed Tuesday when Apple Inc. posted “only” $8.8 billion in net income for its fiscal third quarter, a measly $9.32 per share.

“It looks like the end for Apple and for Western Civilization” one analyst said. “I own tons of Apple stock and I just built eight Swiss Chalets for myself in Arizona – now it looks like I’ll have to sell one or two of them. I don’t think I can stand the loss!”

Stock traders were leaping from first floor windows on Wall Street, and banks said they would certainly require another bailout due to Apple’s non-record-setting quarter.

Alan Greenspan Also Won’t Go Away

What is it with these people? Don’t they know what “unemployed” means? It means “stop – this isn’t your job anymore!” Anyway, ex-(as-in no-longer)-Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is predicitng 3% economic growth for the third quarter (we presume that’s this year). Earlier he was predicitng a 2.5% growth rate, but revised it because “fractions are so hard to contemplate”.

Ex-(as-in no-longer)-Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan tries to levitate the U.S. economy

Ex-(as-in no-longer)-Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan tries to levitate the U.S. economy

Greenspan also predicted tiny people with wings will start businesses all over the U.S. this winter, requiring massive amounts of labor and lowering unemployment figures “because they’re so tiny they can’t do much for themselves, like carry a cell phone or use a copier”. On the down-side, the glowy golden dust the little people leave behind them will drive-down the precious metals market, more than wiping out any gains.