Pawlenty Runs From Bachmann Like Frightened Child

Tim Pawlenty explains the reasoning behind his decision to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination for president.

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced he is quitting the race for the Republican presidential nomination after losing to both Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul in the unofficial and non-binding Iowa Straw Poll.

Based on the votes of around 7,000 attendees at the Ames, Iowa fair, where voters paid $30 each to cast a ballot in the fundraising polling event, Pawlenty was a distant third with less than half the votes of either Bachmann or Paul.

When asked if dropping out of the race based on such a minor contest was really warranted, Pawlenty told reporters “I ate one of those deep-fried butter things, and now I have a terrible belly ache – ulp! Excuse me – must get to the restroom! Out of the way!”

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

Michele Bachmann addresses a crowd of deep-fried butter intoxicated Iowa rednecks after winning the Iowa GOP Straw Poll.

Michele Bachmann has won the first of the nation’s unofficial, non-binding, wholly trivial campaign contests by taking the Iowa Straw Poll with 4,823 votes, just edging-out Ron Paul’s 4,671 votes. Tim Pawlenty came in third with 2,293 votes, making him an unbelievable loser when you consider who beat him.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain ran fourth with 1,456 votes, while Mitt Romney placed sixth with 567 votes, coming-in behind Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s 718 votes as a write-in candidate who wasn’t even on the ballot. Newt Gingrich placed a disappointing eighth, getting slightly fewer votes than a pile of petrified ox dung that managed to beat him despite doing no active campaigning.

The Guy From Utah didn’t take part in the Straw Poll.  Rick Santorum received a single vote, reportedly from the pile of ox dung.

What We Learned From The GOP Debate In Iowa

Eight of the more than three thousand Republican candidates for the party's presidential nomination met in Iowa Thursday.

Here a few tidbits of information we picked up from the latest GOP debate in Iowa:

RON PAUL lives in an alternate universe where all problems can be solved by reforming monetary policy and returning to the gold standard.

MICHELE BACHMANN takes so long to pee it made her late getting back to the stage after a commercial break.

MITT ROMNEY apparently thinks “the way the economy works” is you shut-down factories and make sure your state is 47th out of 50 in job creation.

TIM PAWLENTY likes to fight with short women and instead of raising taxes likes to create “fees”.

HERMAN CAIN wants the country to have “high fences” AND “wide open doors”, apparently making the fences unnecessary.

NEWT GINGRICH won’t answer “gotcha questions” like why did all your campaign staff quit and what are your foreign policy views, and thinks the crowd is bellowing “NEWT” when they are actually booing.

GUY FROM UTAH owns a company that created 10,000 jobs…in China.

RICK SANTORUM’s toupee causes me to have epileptic fits whenever his face is on-screen – and apparently has the same effect on Bret Baier because he never asked him anything.

Fox News moderator Bret Baier conducts the Iowa debate in a predictably fair and balanced manner.

Poll Shows Voters Disatisfied With GOP Candidates

Seven of the approximately 2,000 GOP presidential candidates at the recent New Hampshire debate.

A national Bloomberg News Poll indicates that likely GOP voters don’t find much to get excited over in the current crop of 2012 presidential candidates. 58% of voters likely to vote for a GOP candidate “hoped another candidate would throw their hat in the ring”.

Of that group, 34% couldn’t tell the difference between Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum. 43% disliked Mitt Romney because his facial expression never changes. 100% thought Ron Paul is insane. 63% would vote for Herman Cain if they got a free pizza. And finally 86% of voters likely to vote GOP thought Newt Gingrich and Michele Bachmann were too small to hold office.

54% of those polled say they will likely vote to re-elect President Obama just because they figure he’s already screwed-up as is much is humanly possible and can only get better in a second term. 30% of those voters say they will definitely vote for Obama because they are unimaginative and dull.

Five Things We Learned From the New Hampshire Debate

The seven Republican candidates size each other up as the debate begins.

Sometimes we have to interpret the stuff the mainstream media puts out there in the guise of “information”.

1: Michele Bachmann can’t make up her mind until the last minute. She announced at the debate that she had just filed as a candidate.

2: Mitt Romney thinks he has already won the primaries. He spread the love for his GOP rivals while focusing on President Obama – and was careful never to mention Osama bin Laden. Instead he targeted Obama’s failure to turn-around Bush’s recession. It was as if the other six people on stage were just there to fill space to his left and his right – CNN strategically placed Romney in the center of the lineup.

3: Tim Pawlenty is a wimp. Before the debate he was lumping Obama and Romney together for their health care policies, dubbing them “Obamneycare”. At the debate Pawlenty bowed and scraped to Romney as if he thought Romney had already won the primaries, too. Maybe he’s bucking for a Romney/Pawlenty ticket.

4: Michele Bachmann may be a ventriloquist dummy. Her head barely showed above the podium. How do we know her lips were actually moving in sync with the words?

5: Newt Gingrich has nothing new to say. He should change his name to “Oldt”. Of course this turned-out well for him in the debate, since all his campaign people quit on him the day before. But Newt just spewed the same old “Contract On America” garbage – no need for a new script.

The Results Of The New Hampshire Republican Debate

Seven of the over two hundred GOP presidential candidates met in New Hampshire for a debate, sponsored by CNN. Though they all tried to differentiate themselves from their competition, the results were mixed.

It quickly became obvious that Tim Pawlenty and Rick Santorum are the same person: they look the same, sound the same, and say the same things. But Pawlenty/Santorum gets agility points for moving so quickly between podiums.

Michele Bachmann and Newt Gingrich are the same height, and though Gingrich has her on weight and reach, Bachmann is somewhat lighter on her feet.

Mitt Romney and Herman Cain are both members of minority communities: Cain is black and Romney is plastic.

Only Ron Paul managed to make himself stand out by constantly implying that all issues are bullshit except getting rid of almost all laws and the Federal Reserve, as he revealed his vision of a Darwinian America based on the principle of “dog-eat-dog”.

The seven candidates struggle to look like different people.