Foreclosures Down In Most U.S. Cities

America’s leading economic indicator, housing foreclosures, are down in 62% of U.S. cities. The lack of foreclosures is expected to cause widespread unemployment in the mortgage industry and negatively impact banking profits. “Good numbers are bad numbers in the foreclosure markets” said one mortgage insider. “This could trigger a trend in good numbers such as rising employment and production rates, signaling a much healthier economy and horrible decline in homelessness. U.S. banks have been counting on continued rampant foreclosures to support their bottom line – we are invested in a high-foreclosure future!”

Economy Improves Everywhere Except Republican Rhetoric

U.S. jobless claims are down and hiring has increased over the past month, creating over a quarter of a million new jobs and lowering the jobless rate to 8.3%. This marks the fifth straight month of decline for the jobless rate due to private sector hiring. These gains are being seen in almost every state except the state of GOP Rhetoric, where there has been little or no economic improvement.

“Anemic growth is not growth. Okay, well, technically it is growth, but I prefer to use the term ‘negative worsening’”Newt Gingrich said in a written statement.

“Unfortunately, these numbers cannot hide the fact that President Obama’s policies have prevented a true economic recovery” Mitt Romney said. “And by ‘true’ I mean the kind where companies flounder so I can buy them for a song and then borrow money against them and then liquidate them so I don’t have to pay the money back.”

Rep. Michael Burgess, R-Texas, also said “This feels like a Charles Dickens novel. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times,” he said. “And this is the worst because Obama might come back up in the polls going into the election. As a Republican I feel it’s important for Americans to bite the bullet and suffer just a year or-so longer.”

Romney In Favor Of Unemployment

GOP front-runner Mitt Romney said today that he "likes being able to fire people". His opponents immediately criticized him for letting the cat out of the bag.

Republican Mitt Romney, who is leading in polls since his hair-breadth win in Iowa, told a crowd in Nashua, New Hampshire “I like being able to fire people who provide services to me”.

“It’s great” Romney said. “I really like the look of desperate fear that comes over them – especially poor people in the service industries who will have an especially tough time finding work. It’s about the most fun I have with my pants on!”

Newt Gingrich immediately criticized Romney for his comment: “Sure, we’d all love to sit around firing poor people all day – maybe even evicting them from their homes, just to make it that much more fun. But some of us have to come out here and work every day for every single vote. I mean, not me. I have underlings for that. And I can’t wait until this election is over so I can fire them!”

Alan Greenspan Also Won’t Go Away

What is it with these people? Don’t they know what “unemployed” means? It means “stop – this isn’t your job anymore!” Anyway, ex-(as-in no-longer)-Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is predicitng 3% economic growth for the third quarter (we presume that’s this year). Earlier he was predicitng a 2.5% growth rate, but revised it because “fractions are so hard to contemplate”.

Ex-(as-in no-longer)-Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan tries to levitate the U.S. economy

Ex-(as-in no-longer)-Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan tries to levitate the U.S. economy

Greenspan also predicted tiny people with wings will start businesses all over the U.S. this winter, requiring massive amounts of labor and lowering unemployment figures “because they’re so tiny they can’t do much for themselves, like carry a cell phone or use a copier”. On the down-side, the glowy golden dust the little people leave behind them will drive-down the precious metals market, more than wiping out any gains.