U.N. Fails To Find Consensus To Stop Syrian “Killing Machine”

As Russia and China threaten to veto a U.N. Security Council draft resolution that calls for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to step down, the Syrian regime continues to use violence against its own people.

The Russian and Chinese ambassadors to the United Nations say a Security Council draft resolution supporting “full implementation” of the Arab League report that called on Syria to form a unity government within two months is “meddling” in Syria’s internal affairs. The resolution specifically calls on Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to step down. The two permanent members of the U.N. Security Council are threatening to veto the resolution if it comes to a vote.

Qatar’s prime minister Sheikh Hamad bin Jassim al-Thani said “the government killing machine continues effectively unabated” and told U.N. leaders “the hope of the Syrian people is in your hands.”

The killing machine Jassim al-Thani referred to was sold to Syria by ex-Soviet Union engineering giant Sukhoi, long a supplier of underground bunkers, weapons manufacturing facilities, and giant killing machines to oppressive mid-East regimes.

“That would be the Model 39000 Mark IV Giant Killing Machine” a Sukhoi spokesperson said. “It’s actually one of our older models we originally designed for the Iranians. We actually developed it from plans stolen from U.S. firm Bechtel and Germany’s Krupp for giant killing machines they designed for the Saudis. Nowadays we only use our own original designs for giant killing machines.”

Ahmadinejad Addresses UN

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad adressed the United Nations today, where several countries walked-out as he berated Western nations, Israel, and capitalism. He suggested the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks in the United States were the work of the U.S. government. He said he knew this because his beard is a super-sensitive antenna that can pick-up CIA radio transmissions.

Ahmadinejad also denied that he had been in the apartment of the Nicaraguan consul when he was murdered the previous evening – even though the body of the diplomat had not as yet been discovered. After an aide whispered to Ahmadinejad he backtracked on this statement: “Well, IF the Nicaraguan Consul was murdered last night by having his throat cut with a Wilkinson tempered steel razor blade, while he was wearing a flimsy silk negligee and holding a dozen roses with a card that said ‘From Mahmoud with love’, THEN I was nowhere near the place”.

Mark Kornblau, a spokesman for the U.S. mission to the U.N., said in a statement, "Takes one to know one"

Gadhafi Harangues UN For 90 Minutes

Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi, wearing Scarlet O’Hara’s curtain outfit from “Gone With The Wind”, addressed the United Nations General Assembly for over 90 minutes on Wednesday. Gadhafi talked about many issues facing the world today: global climate change, war in Iraq and Afghanistan, the price of snow tires, and how tough it is to get those little gummi animals in Libya – “Especially the little snakes and worms, the green ones, I love those”.

At one point the “Libyan Strongman” said American President Barack Obama was his son “and Pam Anderson is my daughter – not adopted mind you, the real thing. Also I am the step-brother of Pat Sajak. I’m not sure how Vanna fits into that.”

Gadhafi also complained about his accomodations in New York: “These Kampground of America places, they’re awful. Never enough room for my women and my camels. And the prices!”

Moammar Gadhafi gestures with his hand-written "speech" as he bores the UN nearly to death.

Moammar Gadhafi gestures with his hand-written "speech" as he bores the UN nearly to death.