What We Learned From The Vice-Presidential Debate


Paul Ryan won’t do the math on his budget and tax proposals because he can’t, and Joe Biden isn’t quite as stupid as he looks.

Romney Chooses Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan For Running Mate

Mitt Romney has put an end to all the speculation and announced his pick for a vice-presidential running mate: Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan. Ryan is no stranger to those who follow the workings of government: he famously quotes Ayn Rand, calls military leaders liars, and has dissed Mitt Romney’s health care reforms in Massachusetts for years now. He’s also the Master of Republican Budgets, famously creating a fiscal plan that would have put millions out of work, raised taxes on everyone except the wealthy, and led to the deaths of untold numbers of poor people who are dependent on the government for health care. Fortunately the plan failed to pass through the House and Senate the way a radioactive plutonium brick would fail to pass through the human colon.

Here is a short list of the many things about Paul Ryan that should make you afraid – very afraid – should this man be put within a heartbeat of the presidency. And with all that inbreeding among Mormons there’s no telling when one of Romney’s major organs will fail….

(One item not on that list: he used to drive the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile!)

Santorum Disses Romney, Then Says He Would Be His V.P.

GOP second-place presidential candidate Rick Santorum compared his rival Mitt Romney to President Obama this weekend. Later Santorum indicated he would consider running as Romney's vice president.

Ex-VP Cheney Gets Pump Implant

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney underwent surgery last week to have a pump implanted into his chest where his heart used to be in an attempt to keep his brain alive. Cheney has had a history of heart problems since the late 1970s, and has received numerous unsuccessful heart transplants.

“There is no point in attempting further transplants” Cheney’s doctor said. “They will be rejected by the body. He is the only patient I know of whose body even rejected his own, original heart.” The doctor then paused for a few seconds before adding” “In fact, it is not so much that the body rejects the hearts, but that the hearts reject the Vice President.”

Cheney is probably the most famous member of the group known as the “undead” who live of the flesh and bodily fluids of normal, living people. In Cheney’s case his body has been clinically dead for decades, with only his brain receiving blood from the many, many human hearts he has had. Now a pump device will bypass the body’s circulatory system and bring blood directly to the brain.

Cheney is reportedly doing well after the surgical procedure. “Mainly he complains about how the new device restricts head movement” the doctor said.

Tick Tick Tick

Ex-VP Dick "Dick" Cheney speaks to reporters after having a pump implanted into his empty chest cavity.

Cheney Calls Torture Probe “Political”

Former (as in “no longer”) Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney said the Obama administration decision to investigate “enhanced interrogation techniques” is politically motivated. Speaking on Fox News Sunday, Cheney said the investigation is “a witch hunt, in which I am the witch which is being hunted, which is being disguised as an attempt to answer which is which: interrogation techniques which work vs. ones which don’t, which is a stupid question which should not be asked.”

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney greets Obama at the Inauguration

Cheney, who should have shut-up six months ago as most former (as in “no longer”) Vice Presidents do after leaving office, is worried about his and former (as in “no longer”) Presdent George Bush’s political legacy. “Do we want a Bush administration that will be remembered for being perky, fiesty, spunky, and perhaps a little casual in the handling of firearms? Or do we want one remembered for how many high officials were convicted of war crimes – say like me, for instance?” the former ex-ex-Vice President asked.

Cheney appeared on the Fox program while in-between flights on his way to the annual meeting of “Chief Executives Who Won’t Shut-Up And Go Away Like They’re Supposed To”, or CEWWSUGALTST, an organization founded by former (as in “no longer”) President Jimmy Carter. This year’s featured speaker is former (you fill it in) President Bill Clinton, who will address the rather exclusive audience on the subject of “Getting The Old Rag-and-Bone Out Of The House: The Advantages Of Spouses Running For High Office”.