Virginia Bill To Cut Funding For Abortions Of Deformed Fetuses


Virginia Senator Tom Garrett (R – Lynchburg) has introduced a bill into the state General Assembly that will cut state funding for abortions when a “fetus will be born with a gross and totally incapacitating physical deformity or with a gross and totally incapacitating mental deficiency”.

Garrett feels strongly about this issue because, in his words “under that ‘mental deficiency’ stipulation I myself might never have been born!”

Gingrich Loses All But One State On Super Tuesday

Mitt Romney maintained his lead but did not get a mandate in the crucial "Super Tuesday" primaries in ten states. The only question is will Ron Paul now drop out of the race after failing to place first in any state? Of course even though he only won his home state of Georgia, and then not by that big a margin, Newt "Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands" Gingrich will feel justified in painfully drawing out his pathetic attempt to get attention.

Virginia Butt Slasher Still At Large

Virginia law enforcement officials released this artist's depiction of "El Corta Nalgas", wanted for a 13-butt slashing spree. People are asked to be on the lookout for a short, stout white male with gray hair and a look of sour disappointment on his face. DO NOT APPROACH THE SUSPECT! He is considered dangerously insane! If you see this man please contact the Virginia State Registrar Of Voters.

Virginia law enforcement officials have announced that the man known only as “El Corta Nalgas” has not been apprehended in Peru as earlier reported. “It’s the wrong guy – he’s too tall, has black hair, and isn’t nearly arrogant enough” a spokesman for the Virginia Attorney General’s office said.

“El Corta Nalgas”, or “The Butt Cutter”, is wanted for a string of assaults in which young women have been slashed on the buttocks with a sharp object. The attacks started shortly after a Virginia judge denied the court challenge to Virginia’s electoral laws by four GOP presidential candidates. Authorities say the attacks may or may not be related to the court decision.

Virginia’s special Posterior Protection Squad has released a police artist’s sketch of the suspect. Anyone with any knowledge of the whereabouts of “El Corta Nalgas” should contact the Virginia State Registrar of Voters or the Virginia Democratic Party.

Perry Files Lawsuit In Virginia Ballot Flap

GOP back-runner Rick Perry has filed a lawsuit in an attempt to get on the Virginia Republican primary ballot.

Texas Governor Rick “What Month Is This?” Perry has filed suit in U.S. District Court to challenge the signature requirement to get on the Virginia Republican primary ballot.

“Virginia ballot access rules are among the most onerous and are particularly problematic in a multi-candidate election” said Perry Campaign spokesperson Ray Sullivan. “We’re challenging the signature requirement under the Federal handicapped access laws. No one can reasonably expect a person of Rick’s limited intelligence to understand, let alone fulfill these draconian requirements.”

Gingrich Blames Virginia For Having Rules He Won’t Follow

GOP mostly-front-runner Newt Gingrich failed to secure the necessary 10,000 signatures for a spot on the Virginia primary ballot.

Republican Presidential candidate Newt “Laws Is For Losers” Gingrich is blaming Virginia for keeping him off the state Republican primary ballot. Like Texas Governor Rick Perry, Gingrich failed to get the required 10,000 voter signatures to qualify for the ballot.

The Gingrich campaign said “only a failed system” would disqualify Gingrich from running in Virginia. “They require all these signatures from candidates no one in Virginia wants to vote for – that’s blatantly unfair just because we’re unpopular!”

Gingrich campaign director Michael Krull said his candidate will run a write-in campaign, even though write-ins are illegal in Virginia primaries. “That’s their problem,” Krull said. “Newt Gingrich isn’t just above the law – Newt Gingrich IS the law!” And as if to prove his point he had several campaign workers summarily executed “just because I can!”

On a lighter note, Virginia is Gingrich’s home state.

Merry Christmas Newt – No Virginia For You!

GOP almost-front-runner Newt Gingrich attempts to make his failure to get on the Virginia primary ballot sound like a plan.

What’s the deal with Virginia? First the Virginia Republican Party announced that candidate Rick Perry failed to gather enough signatures to qualify for the state primary ballot. And now they have announced that first-no-wait-second-place polling candidate Newt “I’m Even Smarter Than Myself” Gingrich has also failed to gather enough signatures for his petition to be accepted.

“It was a dirty trick on the part of the Ron Paul campaign” one Gingrich insider said. “They switched all the pens our campaign workers use for ones with invisible ink!”

“That’s ridiculous!” a Paul campaign worker said. “We just switched them for pens with no ink in them at all!”

Perry Not Certified For Virginia Ballot

Texas Governor Rick Perry seems stunned that his petition to be placed on the Virginia GOP primary ballot was rejected.

GOP presidential primary candidate Rick Perry will not appear on the Virginia primary ballot because his petition lacked the necessary 10,000 signatures.

“While there were 10,000 entries made in favor of Governor Perry’s candidacy, there weren’t 10,000 individual names – just ‘Me, Rick Perry’ entered 10,000 times,” a Virginia Republican Party spokesperson said.