Virginia Senator Tom Garrett (R – Lynchburg) has introduced a bill into the state General Assembly that will cut state funding for abortions when a “fetus will be born with a gross and totally incapacitating physical deformity or with a gross and totally incapacitating mental deficiency”.
Garrett feels strongly about this issue because, in his words “under that ‘mental deficiency’ stipulation I myself might never have been born!”
Virginia law enforcement officials have announced that the man known only as “El Corta Nalgas” has not been apprehended in Peru as earlier reported. “It’s the wrong guy – he’s too tall, has black hair, and isn’t nearly arrogant enough” a spokesman for the Virginia Attorney General’s office said.
“El Corta Nalgas”, or “The Butt Cutter”, is wanted for a string of assaults in which young women have been slashed on the buttocks with a sharp object. The attacks started shortly after a Virginia judge denied the court challenge to Virginia’s electoral laws by four GOP presidential candidates. Authorities say the attacks may or may not be related to the court decision.
Virginia’s special Posterior Protection Squad has released a police artist’s sketch of the suspect. Anyone with any knowledge of the whereabouts of “El Corta Nalgas” should contact the Virginia State Registrar of Voters or the Virginia Democratic Party.
Texas Governor Rick “What Month Is This?” Perry has filed suit in U.S. District Court to challenge the signature requirement to get on the Virginia Republican primary ballot.
“Virginia ballot access rules are among the most onerous and are particularly problematic in a multi-candidate election” said Perry Campaign spokesperson Ray Sullivan. “We’re challenging the signature requirement under the Federal handicapped access laws. No one can reasonably expect a person of Rick’s limited intelligence to understand, let alone fulfill these draconian requirements.”
Republican Presidential candidate Newt “Laws Is For Losers” Gingrich is blaming Virginia for keeping him off the state Republican primary ballot. Like Texas Governor Rick Perry, Gingrich failed to get the required 10,000 voter signatures to qualify for the ballot.
The Gingrich campaign said “only a failed system” would disqualify Gingrich from running in Virginia. “They require all these signatures from candidates no one in Virginia wants to vote for – that’s blatantly unfair just because we’re unpopular!”
Gingrich campaign director Michael Krull said his candidate will run a write-in campaign, even though write-ins are illegal in Virginia primaries. “That’s their problem,” Krull said. “Newt Gingrich isn’t just above the law – Newt Gingrich IS the law!” And as if to prove his point he had several campaign workers summarily executed “just because I can!”
On a lighter note, Virginia is Gingrich’s home state.
What’s the deal with Virginia? First the Virginia Republican Party announced that candidate Rick Perry failed to gather enough signatures to qualify for the state primary ballot. And now they have announced that first-no-wait-second-place polling candidate Newt “I’m Even Smarter Than Myself” Gingrich has also failed to gather enough signatures for his petition to be accepted.
“It was a dirty trick on the part of the Ron Paul campaign” one Gingrich insider said. “They switched all the pens our campaign workers use for ones with invisible ink!”
“That’s ridiculous!” a Paul campaign worker said. “We just switched them for pens with no ink in them at all!”
GOP presidential primary candidate Rick Perry will not appear on the Virginia primary ballot because his petition lacked the necessary 10,000 signatures.
“While there were 10,000 entries made in favor of Governor Perry’s candidacy, there weren’t 10,000 individual names – just ‘Me, Rick Perry’ entered 10,000 times,” a Virginia Republican Party spokesperson said.