Blackwater Changes Its Name Again

Blackwater, the private security firm that operated death squads for the Bush administration in Iraq, has changed its name to reflect its new ownership.

“The message here is not that we’re changing the name,” said Ted Wright, who came on as the new company CEO in June. “The message is that we’re changing the company, and the name just reflects those changes. We have new owners, a new board of directors, a new management team, new location, new attitude on governance, new openness, new strategy – it’s a whole new company.”

As part of the new openness policy the company will be called “Soulless Mercenary Swine Who Slaughter People For Money And Really We Don’t Care What The Reason Is”.

Senate Okays Defense Bill With New Detainee Policy

Senators Carl Levin (D - Michigan) and John McCain (R - Berlin) announce their "compromise" detainee policy. Instead of allowing the military to detain U.S. citizens indefinitely in undisclosed locations, the compromise allows the military to detain U.S. citizens indefinitely in undisclosed locations.

After years of trying to get legislation passed that would gut guarantees to due process of law, Senator John McCain finally won one today when the Senate passed a new Defense Bill that includes McCain’s new military detainee policy.

The new policy allows the military to detain anyone suspected of being an al Qaeda operative for an indefinite period of time without recourse to the courts. This policy affects both non-citizens and citizens alike.

Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – California) said “I object to holding American citizens without trial. I do not believe that makes us more safe.”

Senator Lindsay Graham (R – South Carolina) said “You have people on the left who hate saying ‘the war on terror’. They would never ever use the military and always insist the law enforcement be used because they don’t buy into the idea that we’re at war. They want to criminalize the war.” Graham went on to say “These are precisely the kind of al Qaeda agents this bill will allow us to round up and make disappear – starting with that wrinkly old bitch Feinstein!”

President Barack Obama has indicated he will veto the budget bill, although that seems unlikely since such a veto would take resolve, aggressiveness, and balls – none of which the President possesses.

Panetta Wants Sanctions Against Iran

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta calls for restraint from Israel, and asks for time to let sanctions work against Iran. Because it's not like he's in range of any weapons Iranian President and local madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad might lob at them.

The Real Meaning Of 11/11/11

At 1100 hours Greenwich Mean Time on November 11, 1918, the fighting in Europe ended and brought to an end the four bloodiest years in the history of human civilization.

There’s nothing cosmic or mystical about it – people just got tired of the pointless slaughter.

93 years ago today.

GOP Criticizes Obama For Ending Iraq War

Yes, Mr. Ex-President, yes it was.

GOP leaders are criticizing President Barack Obama for announcing all U.S. forces will leave Iraq by December 31, 2011. The announcement has been called a “bad idea” by Senator John McCain, a sign if “failure” by candidate Michele Bachmann, and “an astonishing failure to secure an orderly transition in Iraq” by candidate Mitt Romney.

If leaving Iraq is a failure, it’s a failure of George W. Bush, who set that date as the deadline for withdrawal back in 2004. “But I didn’t really mean it!” Bush said when contacted  standing next to a manure pile at this ranch in Texas. “I was just bullshitting the Iraqis. Hell, I didn’t think we’d ever manage to get our asses out of there.”

Fair, Balanced, And Full Of Shit?

CNN reporter Nic Robertson seems pretty pissed-off about Fox News claims he and other journalists were used as “human shields” by the Libyan government. Far be it from me to imply that Fox will take any opportunity to smear real journalists in their attempts to appear to be an actual news source. Well, actually, I guess it’s more like “near be it from me”. Because Fox News will go to almost any extreme to smear real journalists in their attempts to appear to be an actual news source. Kind of the same way they will go to any lengths to smear any presidential candidate who doesn’t work for them.

U.S. To Pay Taliban Fighters To Switch Sides

Here’s a story on CNN that tells of U.S. plans to pay Taliban fighters to switch to the Afghan government’s side. They call it the “Taliban reintegration provision”. The Taliban are calling it “let’s use the money to buy weapons to kill Americans with” – a sort-of welfare program. The way it works is, a Taliban fighter surrenders his jammed AK-47 with no ammo in the clip, gets a bag full of cash, then goes to downtown Kabul and buys a new rocket-propelled grenade launcher, a ten pound block of plastic explosive, some fuses, and a couple of cell phones. Then he just sort of wanders-off into the mountains. Meanwhile we have his signed pledge not to be a Taliban soldier anymore – so we’re covered, legally.

"We got the money!"

"We got the money!"