Windows Vista SP 3 In Two Days

Microsoft has announced that the latest service pack for Windows Vista will be released on October 22. The new patch offers bug fixes and a few Macintosh-like enhancements, but offers very little new functionality. The two big new features are it’s called “Windows 7”, and you’ll have to pay for it.

“It’s all about burying our past mistakes” said Microsoft jefe Steve Ballmer. “We want as many people as possible to forget there ever was a Vista, but we don’t want to introduce any new complications, so we just slapped the same old shit in a new box. And we’ve added great new features, like Aero Shake.”

With Aero Shake, when the user clicks on a window title bar and shakes the mouse, all other open windows disappear. We pointed-out that Vista actually does this about half the time now. “Yeah, but that’s a bug, and Aero Shake is a feature” Ballmer said.

Microsoft is also bundling the 32-bit and 64-bit versions of the operating system together, because “we thought it would be nice if people with 64-bit machines could go back and install the 32-bit version when none of the 64-bit drivers work.”

Microsoft is also opening its first retail store to coincide with the release of Vista SP 3/Windows 7. The store is located in Scottsdale, Arizona, the well-known geographic center of computing for the entire planet, unlike those out-of-the-way places like New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, etc.

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Now Bill Gates Wants To Control The Weather

According to CNN, Bill Gates has applied for several patents intended to slow-down hurricanes as they approach land. “We’ve found a way to run the weather on Windows” Gates said at a press conference. “We estimate this will take 75% of the power right out of things like hurricanes, slowing them to a crawl.” When asked how secure this new weather system would be, Gates said “Hey, it’s Windows – what could go wrong?”

The only hitch in the plan is the need to build a laptop 8,000 miles wide, with a backlit display as large as the sky. Dell is said to be in negotiations to provide the hardware.