Tiger Woods Sincerely Insincerely Apologizes

A tearful Tiger Woods apologized to his wife, his kids, his parents, his fans, everyone in the room, everyone watching on television, and to a potted fern next to the lectern for having the kind of sex life most men only dream about.

Because the soulless ratings whores in the news media saturated the universe with Woods’ private sexual escapades with real whores, Woods had no choice but to read a carefully prepared statement to a room full of carefully picked spectators, without answering any questions that aren’t anyone else’s business anyway. At one point he held his onion-drenched hands up to his eyes and cried. Then he hugged his mom and ran like hell back into “rehab”.

What kind of rehab? Probably he sits in a quiet room while someone with a calculator adds up all the money he’s lost in endorsements and winnings, while Tiger studiously chants “money not pussy, money not pussy,…”.

Many of the companies Woods worked for as a pitchman have said they will take him back now that doing so has the least shred of respectability attached to it, no matter how tenuous. They of course have not apologized for over-reacting in the first place and dropping him because they are fearful mercantile whores.

And one of the whores Woods had sex with has hired attorney-to-the-scummy Gloria Allred and held a press conference where she claims Woods lied to her. She claims he said he loved her, and that she was the only woman he was cheating on his wife with. Allred will seek undetermined damages for Woods deceitful behavior in lying to the woman who was screwing him behind his wife’s back.

Elin Woods, Tiger’s wife, was not present at the completely spontaneous scripted and planned apology. She has not decided yet if she will stay with Woods, or leave him to do her own reality show “I Can Now Make More Money Than He Did By Being A Victim”.

Crotch Bomber Babe’s Boobs

This is hysterical. Here’s a story on CNN’s site about some of the passengers on the plane that the infamous Crotch Bomber tried to blow-up last Christmas. First, about half the comments are about Melinda Dennis’ boobs – which she is very obviously shoving at the camera (perhaps with visions of her own reality series dancing in her head?). And if they aren’t talking about them, they’re speculating that the whole thing was somehow a government set-up, apparently because the U.S. intelligence services don’t think peopleĀ are scared enough to fly?

Just when you think stuff might be making sense, reality goes awry like this to prolong our constant state of confusion.

Democratic Mice

Does it seem like whenever Republicans fart Democrats apologize? Have the Democrats actually managed to “nice” their way out of control of the Senate? Does this mean they deserve to be pushed aside? Does that question pretty-much answer itself?

Is this the most empty-sacked congressional majority in history? If things were turned around (as they may be), would the Republicans be loudly raping and pillaging in the halls of government, taking no prisoners and pissing on the minority? Do I need to answer that question?

Tea Party Censors Captain America

Angry Tea Partiers stopped arguing over what their theme song should be when one of the group’s leaders looked up from his comic book and announced that Captain America is a “socialist Obama-loving liberal”. As proof this frame from a recent “Captain America” comic was handed around the table at the Denny’s where the group was holding their monthly meeting.

The Tea Party complained about the "tea bag" reference in this frame of the "Captain America" comic

Marvel Comics caved-in to pressure from the group when they threatened to boycott the comic publisher. “These people are about 90% of our market” a Marvel executive said. “We can’t afford to alienate them.”