Here are your commemorative stake-through-the-heart postcards – collect the whole set!
We have our first Mis-speaking of the campaign season!
Rick Perry, the Texas Governor who famously couldn’t remember all three of the government departments he wanted to shut-down, and who often stumbled through long rambling statements with unclear subject-verb agreement, has announced he will close his campaign to the be the Republican nominee for President. Perry said he is throwing his support behind Newt Gingrich, who unfortunately speaks very clearly and says really frightening things as he articulates his post-apocalyptic vision of America’s future.
Below we see Perry on his home turf, firing the starting gun for the annual “Texas Mexican Roundup”. This is one of the rare photos of Perry holding a gun that isn’t pointed squarely at his feet.
Here are some salient points picked up from the latest Republican debate presented by Fox News just prior to the South Carolina primary election:
MITT ROMNEY: Has gotten really good at answering the question about being a “vulture capitalist”. He can now make raping a punch-drunk company sound like making sweet, sweet love.
RICK PERRY: Has apparently changed his medication because several times during the debate he did an excellent impression of thinking quickly. Of course he wasn’t – someone in the audience was giving him hand signals.
RICK SANTORUM: Is getting his feisty on. A couple of times he led Mitt Romney right into the corner where he sucker punched him with embarrassingly moderate moments from Romney’s record.
NEWT GINGRICH: Has some kind of deal with Juan Williams that when the crowd is against Newt Juan will act like an angry black liberal and give Newt the opportunity to make a stirring speech about just how and why minorities are inferior. The crowd ended by giving him a standing ovation.
RON PAUL: Still hasn’t learned to keep from saying things Republicans don’t want to hear, like it may not only be illegal but morally wrong for the U.S. to simply go into other countries and assassinate people. Which brings us to the main thing we learned here….
Republicans love to kill! Killing people, especially foreigners in foreign countries, got the biggest standing ovation of the evening. Everyone except Ron Paul said loud and clear they think the United States has the right to go anywhere, any time, for any reason, and kill anyone we want. Romney as much as declared war on just about everyone, including citizens of the U.S. who are suspected of terrorist sympathies. So it was a good night for saber rattling and testicle shaking.
Mitt Romney easily won the New Hampshire Republican primary with 40% of the vote, making the former Massachusetts governor 2-for-2 in the race for the GOP presidential nomination, with only 48 more states to go.
A combination of tough campaigning, appealing to moderate New Hampshirans, and not being Newt Gingrich led Romney to almost doubling the second place showing by Texas representative Ron Paul (23%).
The still-unknown Guy From Utah surged from a miserable last-place finish in Iowa to the third spot with a respectable 17%, probably because ultra-conservative wunderkind Rick Santorum is not only far too right-wing to appeal to New Hampshirites, but is still dogged by subconscious associations with anal sex.
Former House Speaker Newt “I Don’t Need No Stinking Ethics” Gingrich took a fourth place finish with 10% of the New Hampsharean vote. Gingrich complained that once again negative campaigning hurt him – although this time it was his negative campaigning against Romney that did him in, plus the fact he is just slightly to the right of Genghis Khan.
In fifth place, Santorum still out-polled Texas Governor Rick Perry with 9% to Perry’s 1%. Perry is not expected to pout and threaten to go back to Texas and hold his breath as he did after Iowa, since he knew he would do terrible with moderate New Hampshireens.
The remaining candidates in the race for the Republican presidential nomination took to the stage in New Hampshire Saturday for a debate sponsored by ABC News. The questions came from Diane Sawyer, George Stephanopoulos, and some local guy with a phony announcer voice.
MITT ROMNEY: Romney is thoroughly enjoying being the front runner, but painfully aware that Rick Santorum is nipping at his heels. However, Romney seems confident, probably because his last name doesn’t make people think of anal sex. If Romney could wipe that stupid “waiting for my turn” grin off his face, and perhaps regulate his speech so he doesn’t sound like an over-eager school kid who knows the answer, he would actually be an attractive, plastic, run-of-the-mill candidate.
RICK SANTORUM: Santorum smiled for the first time since 2010. His face had visible cracks in it. He jousted with both Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul as he tried to downplay his lack of business experience and play up his experience as a Washington insider – which is probably not the best strategy to have.
RON PAUL: Paul stuck to his usual game plan: chip away at the others staid, old-school ideas while promoting his libertarian agenda as something fresh, and make incendiary accusations about his rivals and watch them trip all over themselves trying to respond. Unfortunately for Paul his libertarian ideas are about as fresh as a month-old dead catfish, and his Cliff Claven know-it-all attitude is starting to wear thin.
NEWT GINGRICH: Took some shots at Santorum and Romney, but mainly stayed with his strengths: sounding as if he actually knows what he’s talking about even if he really obviously doesn’t. Although his analysis of the mid-east situation was pretty realistic, his views on social issues and economics are prehistoric.
RICK PERRY: Perry made a lame attempt to mimic Gingrich’s obvious pandering to the religious right, as he said some inane b.s. about President Obama’s “war on Christianity”. Perry then took the big step and announced the end of his campaign when he said as President he would send troops back to Iraq. Game over. Thanks for playing.
GUY FROM UTAH: Whoever this guy is he seems to know a lot about China – which seems really suspicious. I mean he can even speak Chinese. He may be a spy.
We also learned that George Stephanopoulos can ask some pretty dumb hypothetical questions about candidates views on situations that don’t exist. Also Diane Sawyer has a fairly smarmy kindergarten teacher mannerism when asking a question, as if she doesn’t want anyone on the stage to feel any anxiety about having to answer.
Newt Gingrich finished the Iowa caucuses a distant fourth (13%) to Ron Paul (21%) in a disappointing and humiliating defeat at the hands of Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney (25% each), who finished the race virtually tied for first place.
A crushed and deflated Gingrich thanked his supporters in Iowa, telling them both how much he appreciated their tireless efforts, and how the pair came within a narrow but wide margin of putting Gingrich somewhere but not at the top of the state polling.
But with 96% of the votes tallied Gingrich had to admit that “the electoral system in this country is broken and in need of repair. First I can’t qualify for the ballot in my home state of Virginia. Now I didn’t easily defeat that big-mouthed Mormon pansy Mitt Romney in Iowa. Something is seriously wrong!”
Gingrich went on to characterize American voters as “a bunch of fickle bitches! When I am crowned President for Life I’m going to take some names and do some house cleaning – and I mean permanently!”
Just a few weeks ago Gingrich was leading in national polls and arrogantly claimed when he is President he will ignore the Supreme Court and the Bill of Rights, create a “second CIA” as a secret police force to spy on and interrogate persons in the United States (contrary to the CIA’s mandate NOT to engage in domestic espionage), and how he would redecorate the White House with some “new lampshades – a sort of leather-look, if you know what I mean.”
While such comments endeared Gingrich to the quickly fading “Tea Party” ultra-fascist wing of the Republican party, he lost support with the almost-equally craven fundamentalist Christian element of the GOP. Those voters, especially prominent in Iowa, turned to former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who said as President he would appoint only fetuses to the Supreme Court and “get that ‘reproductive rights’ bullshit cut-out of our national body of laws!”
Texas Governor Rick Perry placed fifth in Iowa with only 10% of the vote. He announced he will return to his home state to “re-assess” his campaign, meaning he isn’t quite ready to but will ultimately officially quit. This is quite a downturn for the once high-riding candidate who held a lead in national polls until his inability to speak, think, or even count on his fingers became evident to voters.
Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann garnered only 5% of the Iowa vote, but most analysts think she is so bat-shit crazy she won’t drop-out of the race until sometime in 2013.
Some guy from Utah got 1% – no one knows who he is.
A grand total of 121,459 votes were cast in the somewhat informal and statistically irrelevant caucuses. In fact so few convention delegates are selected in Iowa it’s surprising anyone pays any attention at all.
Texas Governor Rick “What Month Is This?” Perry has filed suit in U.S. District Court to challenge the signature requirement to get on the Virginia Republican primary ballot.
“Virginia ballot access rules are among the most onerous and are particularly problematic in a multi-candidate election” said Perry Campaign spokesperson Ray Sullivan. “We’re challenging the signature requirement under the Federal handicapped access laws. No one can reasonably expect a person of Rick’s limited intelligence to understand, let alone fulfill these draconian requirements.”
GOP presidential primary candidate Rick Perry will not appear on the Virginia primary ballot because his petition lacked the necessary 10,000 signatures.
“While there were 10,000 entries made in favor of Governor Perry’s candidacy, there weren’t 10,000 individual names – just ‘Me, Rick Perry’ entered 10,000 times,” a Virginia Republican Party spokesperson said.
MICHELE BACHMANN: According to Michele Bachmann there is a new candidate named “Newt Romney”. Although this new candidate did not seem to be on the stage, Bachmann referred to him several times and indicated he was off somewhere to her right.
RICK PERRY: Actually can get through an entire debate without doing or saying anything that makes him look like a complete moron – mostly.
RICK SANTORUM: Still has all the charisma of roadkill – which he pretty-much is politically.
MITT ROMNEY: Still really hates Rick Perry, and doesn’t seem to be too fond of Newt Gingrich. The only position he hasn’t flip-flopped on is the claim he hasn’t flip-flopped on anything.
RON PAUL: Starts to make more sense the longer you listen to him – kind of like a hypnotist.
NEWT GINGRICH: If Diane Sawyer asks “How important is marital fidelity to a candidate for the Presidency”, that’s pretty-much giving everyone a free shot at Gingrich since Herman Cain left the field. As a consummate professional obfuscator Newt was able to answer the question himself without actually answering it at all.
GUY FROM UTAH: Is invisible.
Also, no matter how small several of the micro-sized candidates are, they are still taller than George Stephanopoulos.
Texas Governor Rick Perry may need to take a civics class. At a New Hampshire campaign appearance before an audience of college students Perry incorrectly identified the age at which U.S. citizens can vote, and the date of the upcoming elections.
Perry said he’d appreciate the students’ votes if they were turning 21 by November 12. He missed the voting age of 18 by 3 years, and the election date of November 6 by six days. The voting age was changed from 21 to 18 in 1971 by the adoption of the 26th Amendment to the Constitution.
In Perry’s defense, he is remarkably stupid.
Michele Bachmann claims recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to cease her campaign for the Republican nomination for President are a “stealth” tactic of the rival Rick Perry campaign.
“Well, of course, we found out that this is really a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign because these are Perry supporters that came out,” Bachmann told CNN. “This was a clumsy move.”
An aide then whispered in her ear and she continued: “I mean…umm…I don’t mean…errr…that the Tea Party is now supporting Perry! These supporters of Perry aren’t real Tea Party! They’re fakes dressed-up like Tea Party, just like I’m dressed like a sailor in the Russian Navy!”
“It certainly isn’t a blow to my campaign,” Bachmann added after regaining her composure, “because I’ve had nonstop support coming out of the woodwork from tea partiers all across the country ever since this came out.”
The aide once again whispered in her ear: “OH! Which is not to imply that tea partiers are mice, or rats, or like termites or something! I mean, y’know, they crawl out of the woodwork in a good, non-vermin way!”
When asked why Perry would target her instead of one of the front-runners like pizza-magnate Herman Cain or Mormon cultist Mitt Romney, the aide whispered in Bachmann’s ear a third time, and she said “Well, obviously, he’s jealous of my hair! I mean Mitt’s is all greased-back, and Herman doesn’t really have any. For Perry it’s all about the hair demographic!”
GOP presidential contender Rick Perry may not attend future campaign debates, according to his communications director Ray Sullivan. “We’re about 60 days away from votes being cast,” Sullivan said on CNN’s “John King, USA” Wednesday. “That’s just ‘way too much time for Rick to say more stuff that makes little or no sense. We want to stay on message which is we have very little in the way of message.”
Perry himself expressed regret for participating in the debates so far: “These debates are set up for nothing more than to tear down the candidates. It’s pretty hard to be able to sit and lay out your ideas and your concepts with a one-minute response. Especially if those ideas and concepts are really hard for me to understand and remember, no matter how many times my staff makes me practice.”
The Perry campaign said it will instead concentrate on grassroots politicking in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Florida and Nevada. “Especially Nevada – that was the debate where he really looked like a whiny moron. We’ve got a lot of damage control to do there” Sullivan said.
Seven of the approximately 40,000 Republican hopefuls for the GOP Presidential candidacy lined-up in Las Vegas to take questions from the audience and moderator Anderson Cooper. Several key points were revealed in the course of the evening.
1: Herman Cain and Rick Perry are brothers. While we see no family resemblance Perry made this point twice.
2: Michele Bachmann is a member of the Russian Navy. She proudly wore her uniform to the Nevada event.
3: Rick Perry and Mitt Romney really, really hate each other. A lot.
4: No one cares at all what Rick Santorum has to say.
5: Newt Gingrich thinks he’s on a book tour.
6: Ron Paul knows how to get applause. Say you think war stinks and so does having to pay taxes. Say it over and over and over, as is you really have nothing else to say. Except you hate the Federal Reserve Bank almost as much as Rick Perry and Mitt Romney hate each other.
7: Herman Cain does well under pressure even if he does have absolutely no clue what he’s talking about. Probably comes from working the counter at the pizza joint on Friday nights.
Pizza magnate Herman Cain upset the entire GOP presidential race Saturday by winning the straw poll at the Florida 5 convention held by the state Republican party. Cain took a massive 37% of the vote, more than doubling Texas Governor Rick Perry’s 15.4%, and Mitt Romney’s 14%.
Perry is currently leading national polls, with Romney running second and Cain a distant also-ran. However, because of Florida’s traditional disproportionate effect on national politics, and the state’s traditional electoral incompetence, it is difficult to judge how Cain’s win in the unofficial and non-binding straw poll may affect the race. Perry may actually die as a result, and Romney may lose the ability to feed and dress himself.
Other candidates divided-up the spare change: former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum (10.9%), Texas Rep. Ron Paul (10.4%), former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (8.4%), Guy From Utah (2.26%) and Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (1.5%). Numbers that are essentially statistically insignificant.
Actually the entire thing is insignificant, considering only 2,657 votes were cast, and those by drunks who were farting corndogs.
In a case of fairly strange bedfellows, CNN and the Tea Party Express put on a GOP debate at the Florida State Fairgrounds in Tampa. Texas Governor Rick Perry is ahead in the polls, and the other candidates took every opportunity to criticize him for his statements about Social Security and his record in Texas. Only Newt Gingrich stayed above the fray as he continued his campaign to seem like the “nice” candidate who refuses to spar with other Republicans.
When called on his support of a law requiring prepubescent girls to be immunized against the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, Perry responded “I will always err on the side of human life – and since I may have unprotected sex with some of these girls in the near future, my life needs to be protected.” Michele Bachmann pointed-out that one of Perry’s aides was associated with a pharmaceutical company that made a profit from the legislation, but Perry had a ready response to the allegation of influence peddling: “That was part of my jobs plan – that’s how we create jobs by helping companies expand into new markets like prepubescent girls.”
The audience applauded Ron Paul when he said the economy would improve if we didn’t spend trillions of dollars on foreign wars. The crowd seemed to like the idea of saving money. But Paul drew derisive boos when he tried to make the case that terrorism is a result of arrogant American foreign policies instead of a rabid and unreasoning hatred of Americans because we’re so free, good, and pure, as Rick Santorum insisted.
Businessman Herman Cain said very little because moderator Wolf Blitzer didn’t ask him any questions. Blitzer tried to send some questions Cain’s way, but every time he did members of the Tea Party audience brandished nooses and buckets of hot tar.
After the debate a poll showed that most voters thought Rick Perry was a plastic department store dummy that can talk, while Mitt Romney drew the most votes for “inflatable life raft”. As usual Ron Paul took the prize for “most incoherent”, while The Guy From Utah and Rick Santorum tied for “who are those guys, anyway?”. Candidates Bachmann and Gingrich were in their usual tie for “most difficult to see behind the podium”.