Paris Hilton Busted In Vegas With Cocaine In Her Purse

Paris Hilton barfs on the lawn in front of the Las Vegas police station. She claims the suspect purse wasn't hers. "How could it be? It doesn't even match my shoes!"

Brad Pitt Wants Death Penalty For BP Execs

Brad Pitt continues the tradition of actors being idiots with his suggestion that the recent British Petroleum oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico may warrant the death penalty.  Topping such luminaries of stupidity as Ronald Reagan and Gopher from “The Love Boat”, Pitt said “I was never for the death penalty before; I am willing to look at it again”.

Until now no one knew Pitt had the final say on the death penalty. “Oh, sure – that one’s mine,” he told one reporter. “I do the death penalty, Angelina decides which little kids starve, Ted Danson has thumbs up or down on the whales, and Pauly Shore controls human perspiration.”

Pitt said he hasn’t yet decided how the BP executives will die. “I’m looking at drowning them in oil, of course – that has a nice ‘eye-for-an-eye’ feel to it. Or we might just lock them in a theater and force them to watch ‘Mr. And Mrs. Smith’ until their brains leak out their ears.”

Brad Pitt wears sunglasses to prevent people from seeing through the empty windows of his eyes and into his brainless skull.

Blagojevich Jury: Guilty Of Lying To FBI

The jury in former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich’s corruption trial has found him guilty of making false statements to the FBI. The jury was unable to reach any verdict on the other 23 charges against Blagojevich, including attempting to sell the Senate seat vacated by U.S. President Barack Obama.

The false statements Blagojevich made to FBI agents were:

  • “No, really, my hair just grows this way.”
  • “I’m an honest Illinois politician – all politicians from Illinois are honest.”
  • “My name is pronounced ‘Johnson’.”
  • “That’s not a $10,000 bribe in that envelope I just slid across the table – remember you loaned it to me last month, and I’m just paying you back.”
  • “Do I look like someone who would sell a Senate seat? Really – look at this face. This is not the face of someone who would sell a Senate seat.”
  • “I’m not guilty of the other 23 charges.”

Dr. Laura Apologizes For Using Racist Ephithet

Radio personality Laura Schlesinger apologized Friday for saying "nigger" several times on the air while trying to make a point about the use of the word "nigger". She should have used the for-some-reason-more-acceptable "n-word".

Angry Weiner Enraged On House Floor

Upset that Republicans had enough votes to block special health care for responders to the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks, New York Rep. Angry Weiner took to the House floor and raged at Republican representatives. He became so upset he leaked mustard.

Representative Weiner takes-on House Republicans