Pope Complains About Belgian Child Abuse Raid

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI said a raid on the Belgian offices of the Catholic Church Friday was “deplorable”. The Vatican alleges the tombs of two cardinals were “violated” as the police searched for evidence in child sexual abuse cases.

The Pope was especially distraught that the raid might cut-off the flow of child porn from Belgium, claiming “it’s the highest quality stuff – the children tend to be white which is much better than the brown and yellow kind you get from overseas”.

The Pope addresses the situation in Belgium from a window at the Vatican.

Complaints About New iPhone 4

Twenty four hours after becoming available to the public complaints about the new iPhone 4 are pouring in to manufacturer Apple Inc.

Most users are complaining that the phone loses signal if you place your fingers in certain areas of the new external antenna that surrounds the unit as a stainless steel strip. Others are having problems getting connected to the Internet.

“But most people are complaining that their lives haven’t become better, more interesting, or somehow magical” said an Apple spokesperson. “This is a training issue, really – there are apps for all of those things.”

Many users are confused by the choice of colors. “It took about two hours for me to make up my mind” one purchaser said. “Black or white? White or black? I’m not used to so many choices!”

Still others were troubled by the design. “It’s glass on both sides. I thought mine was defective because no matter how I poked it with my fingers nothing happened. Then I turned it over….”

The new iPhone 4 comes in your choice of Urban Black or Supremacist White.

“Damn It Congress, I’m A Doctor Not A CEO!”

British Petroleum (though they now disown the name) CEO Tony Hayward was roasted, toasted, and grilled by the U.S. Congress in hearings into BP’s responsibility for the massive Gulf of Mexico oil leak. He was apparently boiled as well because over the course of the day he turned red as a lobster.

Throughout the interrogation Hayward leaned heavily on the “Dr. McCoy” defense, constantly reiterating that he was a CEO, not a concrete, drilling, or derrick engineer. “I’m the CEO of a major corporation, so as part of my job qualifications I am far less intelligent than, well, the average politician for example.”

To which Representative Henry Waxman replied “Well then God help us all!” and then upended a glass of water on his head.

Hayward also used the “I’m so out of touch I can’t be culpable” defense when he repeatedly told the House Energy and Commerce committee “I was not a part of the decision-making process”. This is in direct contradiction of testimony by the BP executives in charge of the Deepwater Horizon drilling project, who claimed they were “just following orders” when they cut-back on safety measures as they attempted to get the project back on schedule.

BP CEO Tony Hayward and other company executives testify before Congress

Meg Whitman Wins CA Gubernatorial Primary

Meg Whitman made a successful bid for the California Republican candidacy for governor. She Will face Democrat Jerry Brown in the Fall.


I wonder how she will demonize Brown as she did Poizner? When he was governor the state economy grew faster than at any time in history, employment and wages were high, and the state government actually worked. She could talk about his time as mayor in Oakland, except crime went down, revenues increased, and downtown was cleaned-up. Maybe she could attack him for being Attorney General, but that would raise the infamous failed Republican attempt to use state law to declare him ineligable. It would also bring-up the massive electoral margins he won. She could try to raise the Norman Hsu affair – but they got their brains beat out on that one, too.

What does Whitman bring to the office? She knows how to run Internet auctions. That’s not even as impressive as being governor of Alaska for half a term.

Rush Limbaugh Weds For 11th Time

No – it’s the 4th time – it just seems like 11 to the ex-wives. The bride is 33-year-old Kathryn Rogers. Openly gay celebrity Elton John sang at the wedding – for money – making him an even bigger hypocrite than Limbaugh who openly hates gays.

The bride wore off-white – VERY off. The groom held the key to a metal box containing a videotape of the bride doing something more embarrassing and disgusting than marrying Rush Limbaugh.