Cain To “Reassess” In Light Of More Sex Accusations

GOP presidential hopeful Herman Can says he is "reassessing" his campaign in light of new allegations of having a 14-year affair. Cain maintains he is innocent of any wrongdoing, but his funding is drying-up.

The question has been asked, why do liberals fear this black conservative? It could be they’re afraid he may force their head into his crotch.

Gingrich Claims He’s More Conservative Than Romney

GOP presidential front-runner Newt "Just Slip Me The Money Under The Table" Gingrich explains just how and where he is more conservative than rival Mitt Romney.

Norquist Says It’s Not His Fault

Grover Norquist sometimes has a slight drooling problem.

Conservative anti-tax guru Grover Norquist says he’s not responsible for the Congressional Joint Select Committee on Deficit Reduction’s failure to reach a debt-reduction deal. As president of Americans for Tax Reform, Norquist encouraged Republican members of the “super committee” to sign a pledge that binds them to resist raising taxes. In an appearance on CNN Norquist claimed the pledge was between the country and its congressmen.

“I’m just the mid-wife, so-to-speak, who guides resistance to tax increases from the birth canal of fiscal conservatism, through the vagina of Republican political philosophy, and out into the world of fiscal legislation where I slap it on the butt to make it vomit forth the after-birth of freedom!”

Disgusted CNN viewers switched to reruns of “Gilligan’s Island”.

Biden To Play Key Role In Obama Campaign

Vice President Joe Biden unveils his campaign bus.

Vice President Joe Biden is prepared to play a key role in campaign battleground states “by staying out of them” a source close to the Obama reelection effort revealed.

Biden, who is affectionately known as “Old Foot-in-Mouth” among those close to Obama has been restricted to traveling to Orange County, California “because really, what damage can he do there?” the unnamed source said.

Front-Runner Gingrich Clarifies Stance On Immigration Reform

GOP poll-leader Newt Gingrich explains his stance on keeping families together when dealing with illegal immigrants, a key point he made during the latest GOP debate. Gingrich then blessed the audience with the approved "two-fingered Jesus" genuflection.

Jimmy Fallon Apologizes To Michele Bachmann

Talk show host Jimmy Fallon apologizes for playing the music to the song "Lyin' Ass Bitch" when Michele Bachmann made an appearance on "Late Night".

UC Davis CA Police Feel Threatened By Potentially Argumentative Protesters

A near-near riot was first averted, then almost caused by Lt. John Pike of the University of California at Davis Police Department ((530) 752-3989 when he pepper-sprayed student protesters who were defiantly sitting still and singing hymns. When the protesters sat their ground despite the burning effects of the chemical attack, Lt. Pike valiantly sprayed them a second time.

After being doused with pepper spray the student protesters sat their ground. Nine were arrested. The attending crowd grew during the confrontation, then surrounded the police and forced them to retreat while chanting "Shame on you! You can go!"

Students protesting at the University of California at Davis were repeatedly pepper-sprayed by a campus police officer as they sat across a walkway on the bucolic Northern California campus. The entire confrontation was captured live on video from numerous handheld cameras and broadcast over the Internet almost instantaneously.

Lt. John Pike of the University of California at Davis Police Department ((530) 752-3989, who we understand really likes to have a LOT of pizza delivered, sprayed the seated protesters at close range. When the gasping and moaning students still refused to move, Pike sprayed them a second time.

According to UC Davis police chief Annette Spicuzza, the students were surrounding police officers as they sat in their tightly-linked circle. “They were cutting the officers off from their support, It’s a very volatile situation. School police are not very well trained, and can snap under stress – we’re just lucky there were no broken bones, crushed skulls, or deaths as a result of the police panic.”

UC Davis chancellor Linda Katehi is forming a task force to investigate the police action. “The use of the pepper spray as shown on the video is chilling to us all and raises many questions about how best to handle situations like this,” Katehi said. “Of course we could just view the dozens of on-the-spot videos of the incident, but that might not leave enough wiggle room for politicians like me to distance ourselves from the events. We’re looking at instituting a ‘Barney Fife’ policy, whereby each officer will have one tiny pepper in their pocket – perhaps a jalapeno or a serano.”

Ghadaffi’s Son Captured

Still quite dead ex-Libyan dictator Muammar Ghadaffi's son Saif al-Islam is pictured here making the universal hand signal for "Oh, sweet Allah, they are going to shoot me in the nuts and then make me dance like Michael Jackson with my hand holding my crotch together!"

Panetta Wants Sanctions Against Iran

U.S. Defense Secretary Leon Panetta calls for restraint from Israel, and asks for time to let sanctions work against Iran. Because it's not like he's in range of any weapons Iranian President and local madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad might lob at them.

Occupy Wall Street Protesters Return

New York's Finest clear Zuccotti Park of Occupy Wall Street protesters early Tuesday Morning.

Occupy Wall Street protesters returned to the park in larger numbers Thursday.

Goldline Charged With Fraud

Goldline's Web site features endorsements from some top media stars, and Mark Levin.

Goldline International, Inc. has been charged by the Santa Monica city attorney with “bait and switch” tactics, the Los Angeles Times reports (and coincidentally the story has an ad for Goldline embedded in it). The charges state that Goldline advertised the sale of gold bullion, but then convinced customers to buy gold coins at a huge mark-up over market cost.

Goldline has long been represented by media personalities such as Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, and some guy named Mark Levin. Financial gurus like Bernie Madoff and Michael Milken also call the company “a solid source of income for myself”.

While Fox News would be the first to call for the resignation of journalists in the liberal media, say at CNN, who associated themselves with fraudulent business activities, no one expects the same standard to apply to Fox’s own commentators. “We’ve been reporting fake news for years, so what’s the big deal?” asked Fox head Roger Ailes.

Who Will Be Next?

There's no telling what will cause a Republican candidate to burst into flames and go down like the proverbial lead balloon.

“Here’s The Story Of A Super Committee….”

The Congressional Debt Super Committee is up against its deadline and apparently no closer to an agreement than ever, and Jan is blaming Marsha.

Members of the Congressional Super Committee charged with forging a bipartisan debt reduction agreement have been making the rounds of political chat shows, and are signaling they are no closer to agreement than they ever have been. There is one sign of movement: Republicans on the committee are saying the words “tax revenue” without the strained look of constipation they have shown in the past.

Republican mathematical theory is no better than ever though, as they insist they will increase tax revenue by lowering tax rates, keeping the Bush tax cuts for the rich, and gutting programs for the poor, elderly, and disabled such as Medicare – or “Communist Wealth Redistribution”, as they like to call it.

Democrats insist the Bush tax cuts must end, and that increased taxes on the wealthiest Americans, and moderate cuts to programs will ensure debt is brought under control without casting the low-income segment of the population to the wolves (i.e. Republicans).

Except for these differences they are in complete agreement as to how debt reduction can be accomplished. And if they don’t come to an agreement by November 23, and if Congress doesn’t pass legislation based on an agreement by December 23, draconian spending cuts will automatically be enacted, not only cutting entitlement programs but the Republican sacred-cow, the defense budget.

The smart money in Vegas is on Draco.

The Real Meaning Of 11/11/11

At 1100 hours Greenwich Mean Time on November 11, 1918, the fighting in Europe ended and brought to an end the four bloodiest years in the history of human civilization.

There’s nothing cosmic or mystical about it – people just got tired of the pointless slaughter.

93 years ago today.

Bachmann Calls GOP Opponents “Socialists”

GOP back-runner Michele Bachmann tries to get her Tea Party cred back by saluting in a manner they understand.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann tried to re-energize her failing presidential campaign by accusing her Republican opponents of being “frugal socialists”. Bachmann claimed President Obama and her Republican rivals support “socialized medicine … because they share the same core political philosophy about the purpose of government.”

“I mean look at the color the Republican party has adopted to symbolize its ideals: red – the color of socialism! You won’t catch me dead in red!”

An aide then whispered in Bachmann’s ear and she added: “That’s why I’m wearing this nice salmon-colored jacket today!”

Conrad Murray Guilty Of Manslaughter

Dr. Conrad Murray reacts to the verdict of guilty of manslaughter in the death of pop star Michael Jackson.

A jury found Dr. Conrad Murray guilty of manslaughter in the death of pop star Michael Jackson on Monday. Murray was found guilty of a single count of manslaughter for administering a fatal dose of the drug Propofol to the now all-but-beatified Jackson, who just a few years ago was excoriated as a child molester and possible illegal alien from another galaxy.

Nothing rehabilitates a creep like death. A few years ago it was Jackson in the defendant’s chair and we were all talking about what a disgusting pervert he was. Now, because he died at the hand of an unethical doctor whom he paid to supply him with drugs, we’re all talking about how he deserves ‘justice’.

Fourth Woman Accuses Cain Of Sexual Harassment

Another woman who worked at the National Restaurant Association alleges GOP candidate Herman Cain sexually harassed her when he was the Association President.

Sharon Bialek, who worked at the National Restaurant Association’s education foundation, has alleged that Republican presidential front-runner Herman Cain groped her shortly after she stopped working for the lobbying group.

Shortly after leaving the NRA Bialek contacted Cain to ask for help finding a job. She traveled to Washington, D.C. to meet with Cain. When she arrived she discovered he had upgraded her hotel accommodations to a luxury suite, then took her to dinner in an Italian restaurant (always a sign of trouble), and then while on the way to the NRA offices in a limo Cain placed one hand under her skirt and the other on the back of her head, forcing her toward his crotch. When she protested Cain stopped and said “You want a job, right? Well the job is in my pants.”

However, Bialek says, the job was not in his pants, and what was was not the kind of work she was seeking. “I was looking for a good job” she said.