New Study Tells How To Recognize A Psychopath

You can't always tell who is a psychopath by looking - you also have to listen - unfortunately if you say the wrong thing in the conversation you may learn who is a psycho from their actual behavior.

Researchers at Cornell University have published a study based on interviews with convicted murderers that outlines what to look for to recognize a psychopath:

  • A lack of emotion. People who show a lack of emotion might not just be tired after a long stressful day, or even just over-medicated by their quack doctor – they may be unfeeling killing machines.
  • Speaks in terms of cause-and-effect when describing their crimes. Of course, if someone is volunteering information about crimes they have committed, that might be a tip-off right there.
  • Focuses their attention on basic needs, such as food, drink and money. Anyone who talks about food, drink, and money is someone to run from, possibly screaming if it seems warranted. So Emeril and Niel Cavuto are real suspects here.
  • Psychopaths are typically profoundly selfish. So if you know anyone who thinks of themselves first, chances are they want to behead you and eat your esophagus.
  • Psychopaths are known for being cunning and manipulative, unlike say CEOs or insurance salesmen.
  • Psychopaths use more dysfluencies — the “uhs” and “ums” that interrupt speech. Nearly universal in speech, dysfluencies indicate that the speaker needs some time to think about what they are saying. With regard to psychopaths, “We think the ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ are about putting the mask of sanity on.” So if you know someone what actually thinks about what they say before they say it, you should kill them before they kill you.

Man Gives Rupert Murdoch The Pie

A man assaulted media kingpin Rupert Murdoch with a shaving-cream pie as Murdoch testified at a Parliamentary inquiry in London. Below is a frame-by-frame analysis of the attack:

Immediately post-pie-impact: an aide to Rupert Murdoch attempts to shield her boss.

Pie-impact +0.01 seconds: Mrs. Murdoch senses the aide isn't doing enough violent harm to the assailant and rises from her seat behind the now em-pied media baron. An unidentified Murdoch toady rises and moves left to wrap his arms around Murdoch in what is known as "the embrace of security".

Pie-impact +0.02 seconds: Mrs. Murdoch delivers a right hay-maker somewhat over the shoulder to the side of the assailant's head. At the same time the unidentified toady elbows her out of the way, causing her to fall on top of the aide, who then unknowingly tackles the assailant. At pie impact +0.08 seconds police arrive to disentangle the assailant, the aide, and Mrs. Murdoch.


Blagojevich Convicted Of Corruption

Ex-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich leaves court after being convicted of 17 counts of corruption, including offering President Barack Obama's vacated Senate seat to the highest bidder.

al Zawahiri Elected To Lead al Qaeda

Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.

Ayman al Zawahiri has been chosen to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization by a landslide vote of 1.

Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:

al Zawahiri has apparently found new ways to bring money into al Qaeda's coffers.

U.S. Drops Charges Against Osama bin Laden

The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”

Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.

Osama bin Laden reacts to news the U.S. has formally dropped all charges against him.

Vancouver Fans Riot After Losing Stanley Cup

Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).

A hockey game broke-out at a riot in Vancouver B.C. Thursday, and then the riot resumed with traditional car burning.

Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.

The funny part is these two weren't even at the Stanley Cup final game - they were already doing this when the rioting started.

Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.

A typical Canadian breakfast

IATA Unveils “Checkpoint Of The Future”

The International Air Transport Association unveiled a mock-up of what it calls the “Security Checkpoint Of The Future”. The high-tech station will herd travelers into one of three security lanes depending on how much information is available about them.

The IATA "Checkpoint Of The Future" features three security levels that aren't in any way based on profiling.

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #2

May 1, 2011

Dear Diary,

My wives keep nagging me to take them out. “We never go anywhere!” they whine, and needle me with “What happened to the fun-loving Jihadi we married?” I keep telling them we can’t leave the compound – we’re in hiding for Allah’s sake! Of course I would love to make a night of it in Islamabad, just to have a good meal – I mean the only pizza place that delivers here is Domino’s! Their crust sucks!

Oh! There is the door bell! Maybe it’s the courier with some new porn!

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #1

April 28 2011

Dear Diary,

Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!

Gingrich Announces Candidacy


Newt Gingrich assures the nation he won't treat it like his first wife.

Lindsay Lohan Goes To Jail

….for about a minute before posting $75,000 bail. Immediately after her release she went to the beach to work on her freckles, then partied in several L.A. hot spots before succumbing to excess.

Lindsay Lohan went to the beach after being released from jail to prove she has nothing to hide.

Lohan then enjoyed most of a night out.

Iowa Minutemen Upset About School Security Drill

Here’s a story over on about how some Iowa gun nuts are pissed-off with a school security exercise. Apparently the mock shooting scenario involves a racist student with a gun shooting another student.

Robert Ussery, state director of Iowa Minutemen said “I believe it’s politically motivated, it’s wrong and it’s a slap in the fact to any person that loves our country and is concerned about our border security.”

Let’s get Aristotelian here.

A: If you are going to go on a killing spree you probably own a gun, and if you own a gun you are probably pro-gun ownership.
B: If you are going on a racially motivated killing spree it’s a good guess you might be a racist.

I don’t think the implication is that all gun owners are insane racists, just that most insane racists are probably gun owners.

However, if you belong to an organization that is strongly opposed to illegal immigration, that “patrols” the border (I guess the one with Missouri) while armed, and that calls itself “Minutemen” (maybe it’s a sexual reference), the chances that you are a racist, gun-toting idiot are probably somewhere near 100%. You have to wonder what Mr. Ussery is against: the portrayal of a school shooter as a “Minuteman”-type crazy person, or the idea there is something wrong with shooting people who aren’t white.

Gene Pool Pollutant Alert

Here’s a story on CNN about two would-be burglars who had these ideas pretty-much in this order:

  1. Let’s get drunk…
  2. …and go rob someone and…
  3. … disguise ourselves…
  4. …by writing on our faces with marker pens…
  5. …permanent marker pens…
  6. …the kind that don’t wash off

Police tracked the miscreants down by looking for the people who didn’t not have permanent marker all over their faces.