If the head doesn’t fit, you must acquit!
Researchers at Cornell University have published a study based on interviews with convicted murderers that outlines what to look for to recognize a psychopath:
- A lack of emotion. People who show a lack of emotion might not just be tired after a long stressful day, or even just over-medicated by their quack doctor – they may be unfeeling killing machines.
- Speaks in terms of cause-and-effect when describing their crimes. Of course, if someone is volunteering information about crimes they have committed, that might be a tip-off right there.
- Focuses their attention on basic needs, such as food, drink and money. Anyone who talks about food, drink, and money is someone to run from, possibly screaming if it seems warranted. So Emeril and Niel Cavuto are real suspects here.
- Psychopaths are typically profoundly selfish. So if you know anyone who thinks of themselves first, chances are they want to behead you and eat your esophagus.
- Psychopaths are known for being cunning and manipulative, unlike say CEOs or insurance salesmen.
- Psychopaths use more dysfluencies — the “uhs” and “ums” that interrupt speech. Nearly universal in speech, dysfluencies indicate that the speaker needs some time to think about what they are saying. With regard to psychopaths, “We think the ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ are about putting the mask of sanity on.” So if you know someone what actually thinks about what they say before they say it, you should kill them before they kill you.
A man assaulted media kingpin Rupert Murdoch with a shaving-cream pie as Murdoch testified at a Parliamentary inquiry in London. Below is a frame-by-frame analysis of the attack:
Ayman al Zawahiri has been selected to lead the al Qaeda terrorist organization following the surprise resignation of Osama bin Laden. “Al was the only real choice” one jihadi said, adding “really – he was the only choice – he was the only one on the ballot”.
Photographic enhancement reveals what that thing on al Zawahiri’s forehead is:
The United States dropped all criminal charges against al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden yesterday. “It’s rather embarrassing” Attorney General Eric Holder said. “I’m sure if the President had known the charges would be dropped he wouldn’t have killed him. We should probably have some kind of law that states people are innocent until proven guilty, or something.”
Or maybe we just shouldn’t waste time making formal charges against someone we have absolutely no plans to ever bring to trial, but instead shoot on sight. Not that shooting bin Laden was a bad thing, just maybe injudicious if there were actual pending criminal charges against him.
Vancouver Canuck fans rioted in the city’s streets Thursday after the Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup final 4-0. Furious Canuck fans burned cars, looted stores, and had sex in the middle of the road to protest the fact their team couldn’t beat a bunch of Americans at Canada’s second favorite national sport (the first of course being Freestyle Canoe Dancing).
Some fans took the opportunity to show their support for the team by throwing empty beer bottles at police while chanting the Canadian national anthem “Oh Canada Ice-Bound Appendage Of The United States”. Others decided to mark the event by conceiving a child in the road.
Police suspect some of the fans may have been drinking, which is a good bet as beer is considered to be a fundamental food group in Canada.
The International Air Transport Association unveiled a mock-up of what it calls the “Security Checkpoint Of The Future”. The high-tech station will herd travelers into one of three security lanes depending on how much information is available about them.
May 1, 2011
My wives keep nagging me to take them out. “We never go anywhere!” they whine, and needle me with “What happened to the fun-loving Jihadi we married?” I keep telling them we can’t leave the compound – we’re in hiding for Allah’s sake! Of course I would love to make a night of it in Islamabad, just to have a good meal – I mean the only pizza place that delivers here is Domino’s! Their crust sucks!
Oh! There is the door bell! Maybe it’s the courier with some new porn!
April 28 2011
Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!
….for about a minute before posting $75,000 bail. Immediately after her release she went to the beach to work on her freckles, then partied in several L.A. hot spots before succumbing to excess.
Here’s a story over on FoxNews.com about how some Iowa gun nuts are pissed-off with a school security exercise. Apparently the mock shooting scenario involves a racist student with a gun shooting another student.
Robert Ussery, state director of Iowa Minutemen said “I believe it’s politically motivated, it’s wrong and it’s a slap in the fact to any person that loves our country and is concerned about our border security.”
Let’s get Aristotelian here.
A: If you are going to go on a killing spree you probably own a gun, and if you own a gun you are probably pro-gun ownership.
B: If you are going on a racially motivated killing spree it’s a good guess you might be a racist.
I don’t think the implication is that all gun owners are insane racists, just that most insane racists are probably gun owners.
However, if you belong to an organization that is strongly opposed to illegal immigration, that “patrols” the border (I guess the one with Missouri) while armed, and that calls itself “Minutemen” (maybe it’s a sexual reference), the chances that you are a racist, gun-toting idiot are probably somewhere near 100%. You have to wonder what Mr. Ussery is against: the portrayal of a school shooter as a “Minuteman”-type crazy person, or the idea there is something wrong with shooting people who aren’t white.
Here’s a creepy little video on CNN of a man being robbed of his new iPad – and one of his fingers, apparently. You knew it was just a matter of time.
Here’s a story on CNN about two would-be burglars who had these ideas pretty-much in this order:
- Let’s get drunk…
- …and go rob someone and…
- … disguise ourselves…
- …by writing on our faces with marker pens…
- …permanent marker pens…
- …the kind that don’t wash off
Police tracked the miscreants down by looking for the people who didn’t not have permanent marker all over their faces.