Ahmadinejad Talks Octopus

 

Iranian President Ahmadinejad and Paul The Psychic Octopus square-off in an inter-species controversy

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said in a speech in Tehran that Paul the Psychic Octopus is an agent of western imperialism, and that the sea creature is intent on destroying Islam. “The octopus hates Islam because it has no knees” the Iranian President said. “It cannot be a part of Islam because it cannot kneel to face Mecca. No knees, no Islam – it’s that simple.”

Ahmadinejad went on to question the sanity of westerners who believe the octopus could predict the outcome of World Cup games. “Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values.” Values like murdering protesters in the streets just because “I may have committed a little election fraud to illegally remain in power. This is silly – George Bush did it in 2000, and you didn’t see anyone in Tehran taking to the streets over that.”

“This octopus is not that smart” Ahmadinejad continued. “I am almost as smart as this octopus. I predicted Iran would win the World Cup, and they did as far as anyone who watches only Iranian media knows.”

Randy Couture Hates Osama Bin Laden

Randy Couture, wrestler and actor in Sylvester Stallone’s “The Expendables” , would like “to have five minutes with Osama Bin Laden that’s for sure. Every time I go through an airport now I have to put up with that mess, and it’s pretty infuriating.”

Yeah, and all that mass murder was a bummer, too.

Mel Gibson Moves On

The Ballad of Mel Gibson

Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Mel
Poor movie star got on the phone and yelled
Then one day he was surfin’ on the Web,
And up on a site saw the words that he’d said
(Ephithets, that is: racist ranting, death threats)

Well the first thing you know old Mel’s beat-up his girl
Kin folk said Mel move away from her
Said Australia is the place you oughta be
So he sold all his homes and he moved to Sydney
(Australia that is: opera houses, great white sharks)

So Mel packed up his ex-wife and his seven kids
And left the USA just like Polanski did
But he might be invited back again to this locality
If he’s ever extradicted by the LAPD
(Or the DA I guess, but he might get off like O.J.,
So long Mel, Y’all come back now, ya hear?)

Is Mel Gibson leaving the U.S.? Is he taking this beard with him?

Ex-VP Cheney Gets Pump Implant

Ex-Vice President Dick “Dick” Cheney underwent surgery last week to have a pump implanted into his chest where his heart used to be in an attempt to keep his brain alive. Cheney has had a history of heart problems since the late 1970s, and has received numerous unsuccessful heart transplants.

“There is no point in attempting further transplants” Cheney’s doctor said. “They will be rejected by the body. He is the only patient I know of whose body even rejected his own, original heart.” The doctor then paused for a few seconds before adding” “In fact, it is not so much that the body rejects the hearts, but that the hearts reject the Vice President.”

Cheney is probably the most famous member of the group known as the “undead” who live of the flesh and bodily fluids of normal, living people. In Cheney’s case his body has been clinically dead for decades, with only his brain receiving blood from the many, many human hearts he has had. Now a pump device will bypass the body’s circulatory system and bring blood directly to the brain.

Cheney is reportedly doing well after the surgical procedure. “Mainly he complains about how the new device restricts head movement” the doctor said.

Ex-VP Dick "Dick" Cheney speaks to reporters after having a pump implanted into his empty chest cavity.

Government Says Gulf Seafood Not Contaminated, Much

National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration scientists are reporting that tests of sea creatures from the Gulf of Mexico show no “worrisome” signs of oil contamination. NOAA tested multiple individuals from approximately 400 species caught for the seafood market. When asked if they had personally consumed any of the Gulf species scientists said no – they had all just eaten at Burger King just before doing the tests.

NOAA said there is no reason Gulf fishermen shouldn’t be allowed to catch fish. “In fact, the oil spill has really helped them, because they’re a lot easier to catch when they’re bobbing upside-down on the surface like they are.”

Driver Cited For Hitting Lord Jesus Christ

Here’s a story on Fox’s site that tells of a Massachusetts woman who hit a pedestrian named Lord Jesus Christ. The driver was cited for failing to yield to a messiah. Mr. Christ, from Belchertown, suffered only superficial wounds and healed himself at a local hospital. “You’d think a guy who can walk on water would be able to make it safely across the street” a local police spokeperson didn’t, but absolutely wanted to say.

Separated At Birth?

Ron Paul is thinking of running for President again in 2012 - but does the Constitution allow cartoon characters to hold high office?

Happy 234th Birthday U.S.A.

I swear you don’t look a day over 225! We may not be the youngest country on Earth, but we’re still the best looking!