Palin And Gingrich Have Advice For Romney And Ryan

Sarah Palin and Newt Gingrich both offered advice to the GOP ticket of Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan.

Palin told Romney and Ryan to “go rogue”, saying “America desperately needs to have a ‘come to Jesus’ moment in discussing our big dysfunctional, disconnected, and debt-ridden federal government.”

Newt Gingrich also had some choice words for the Republican candidate: “When he walks in to debate Obama, he’s got to be as tough with Obama as he was with me in Florida,” Gingrich said in an interview on CNN. “He has to do to Obama what he did to me!”

Piers Morgan elaborated: “You mean kick you to the curb and leave you for dead with your ass bleeding buckets of political pain?”

“Uhhh…yeah” Gingrich responded.

Palin To Speak At Tea Party Rally

A young supporter poses a question to Ex-1/2-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Potential GOP presidential nomination candidate Sarah Palin (R-Fantasyland) will speak at a Tea Party rally in Iowa on Saturday. Palin’s extended bus tour vacation will merely coincidentally be in the early primary battleground state at the time of the rally. This wasn’t planned months in advance. Really.

Perry Matches Romney In Polls Without Actually Running

Texas Governor Rick Perry explains his campaign strategy which he calls "MAD", or "Might Actually Do'er". "Do'er" is of course Texan slang for screwing a person or a country.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is just two polling points behind Mitt Romney in the latest CNN/ORC International poll. Of those Republicans and Independents who identify themselves as likely to vote for a Republican candidate 15 percent favor Perry, while 17 percent favor Romney. The poll has an error margin of more than 2% – making the two front-runners dead even.

“It’s the unknown factor X” one pollster said. “No one knows who the hell Rick Perry is, so he looks pretty good compared to the rest of the pack. There hasn’t been time for the media to smear him, and he hasn’t had enough national exposure to act like a moron in front of people.”

Former 1/2 Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former sane person Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, are at 12 percent apiece. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Australian pitchable-midget Rep. Michele Bachmann are so far behind they can’t even be seen on the horizon – not surprising considering they are only 2 feet tall.

Bristol Palin Claims Virginity Was Stolen

In her new memoir "Not Afraid Of Life But Definitely Terrified Of My Mom" Bristol Palin claims her virginity was "stolen" after she guzzled a bunch of wine coolers and then played "Find the Squirrel" in a tent with ex-fiance Levi Johnston.

Bristol Palin, 20, details her relationship with ex-fiance Levi Johnston, and delves deeply into her past as she talks about her love of Barbie, Lego, Brittany Spears, Bratz, and Gerber’s Mashed Carrots in her new memoir “Not Afraid Of Life: Haven’t Lived Enough For That”.

In the tell-some shocker Palin reveals how Johnston stole her virginity by plying her with alcohol and then pretending to be Justin Timberlake while on a camping trip. “I could tell by the evidence in the tent that all of my plans, my promises, and my moral standards had disappeared in one awful night in a series of bad decisions,” Palin recounted. “I mean how could I have thought he was Justin Timberlake? His singing was off-key and sex with Justin was much, much better – or at least I think it was, since I told my mom I don’t remember anything about having sex with anyone, no matter how many times.”

Palin’s mother, half ex-Governor of Alaska, failed vice-presidential candidate, and as-yet-uncommitted GOP presidential candidate Sarah Palin, remarked “Of course you can’t blame Bristol for getting knocked-up out of wedlock – as an American woman she obviously doesn’t want to have sex, it’s just a way to get nice things she wants. Of course I’d be happier if she were married. Then I could get her out of my house and she’d be someone else’s problem.”

Johnston also has a memoir set for release in which he says he doesn’t remember the incident: “I have a psychological block against remembering things that were horrifying or that made me physically ill”.

Sarah Palin And Michele Bachmann On U.S. History

While visiting Boston’s historic Old North Church, where the famous “One if by land, two if by sea” lantern signal sent silversmith Paul Revere on his even more famous “Midnight Ride” to warn of the approach of the British, 1/2 Ex-Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was asked “What did you learn on your visit today” by a local journalist.

Palin proceeded to give a rambling and incoherent answer that seemed to be about gun control: “He who warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms by ringing those bells and, um, making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that, uh, we were going to be secure and we were going to be free.”

To her credit, Palin did correctly state that the British were planning to confiscate arms and ammunition stored by American rebels. She also scores a point for identifying Revere’s mode of transportation as a horse. But he didn’t “warn the British” of anything – he alerted American rebels of the British forces’ approach by shouting “the Regulars are coming!”, referring to the British “regular army” troops.

Apparently Palin was in the same history class as Tea Party favorite Michele Bachmann, who told an audience in New Hampshire their state was the site of the famous “Shot Heard ‘Round The World”. Unfortunately for Bachmann the clash between British troops and American rebels she was talking about happened in Massachusetts at the towns of Lexington and Concord.

Palin claims the question "What did you learn on your visit today" was a “shout-out, gotcha type of question’’ from the "lamestream media", possibly because it involved giving an answer.

Palin’s Bus Tour Is About America

Sarah Palin and her family are on a bus-tour vacation (legally paid-for with PAC money) across America which she claims isn’t political and isn’t even about her. That’s why the bus has her name on the side of it in three-foot-high letters, and the words “We the people” superimposed over what looks like the U.S. Constitution, and the words “One nation under God with justice and liberty for all”. Because everyone on vacation in a huge bus has a gigantic custom-made billboard glued to it as they drive through key primary states and meet with important local conservative political organizers.

The Sarah Palin "One Nation" tour bus makes a pit stop.

Huckabee Says He Won’t Run

Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced he will not seek the 2012 presidential candidacy for the Republican Party. “All the factors say go, but my heart says no,” Huckabee, who was considered the GOP frontrunner in several Fox News polls, said on his Fox News Channel show. His heart problems probably include taking-on GOP poster-boy Newt Gingrich, President Obama’s popularity since killing Osama bin Laden, and the usual ephemeral life-span of snowballs in Hell.

Mike Huckabee explains the difficulty of running for President of the United States if you haven't killed the most wanted terrorist on Earth.

Ron Paul immediately announced he will run for the third losing time.

Ron Paul apparently has fewer heart problems, and is slightly less intelligent.

Sarah Palin Explains Sputnik

Not to be outdone by the GOP rebuttal to the State of the Union address, and the Tea Party rebuttal to the State of the Union address, former Vice Presidential Candidate and 0.5 of a Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin took to the airwaves to correct some of President Obama’s mis-statements on the history of Sputnik.

Right now Tracy Morgan is masturbating while staring at this picture

Palin Stumps For No One In CA

“Mama Grizzly” and reality tv star and 1/2 ex-governor of Alaska and also-ran candidate for Vice President Sarah Palin appeared at a Republican National Committee fundraiser in Anaheim. She did not endorse Republican gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman nor Republican Senate candidate Carly “It’s Better To Get Fired Than Live With The Uncertainty” Fiorina. Neither of the Republican candidates appeared at the fund raiser. Because Sarah Palin was going to be there. And Sarah Palin is the kiss of death to any serious Republican running for office.

Nearly unemployed RNC Chairman Michael Steele had no choice but to appear at a fundraiser with Palin - no other Republicans will be seen with him.