Bachmann Calls For Investigation Into Muslims In Govt

Failed GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, still a Republican member of the House of Representatives from Minnesota, has requested that several federal agencies investigate infiltration of the government by Muslim extremists. In particular Bachmann has singled-out Huma Abedin, long-time aide to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (and wife of disgraced former representative Anthony Weiner). Bachmann claims members of Abedin’s family are or were members of the extremist Muslim Brotherhood.

Speaking at the Joseph McCarthy Foundation For Destructive Political Grandstanding, Bachmann delivered a rambling tirade about Huma Abedin’s father who knew a guy who knew a guy whose uncle knew a guy who may have dated the daughter of a guy who knew someone who once stood next to a building where the Muslim Brotherhood had a meeting.

Even members of Bachmann’s own party are supporting Abedin: Senator John McCain (AZ) spoke from the Senate floor Wednesday and said of Bachmann’s claims: “To say that the accusations made…are not substantiated by the evidence they offer is to be overly polite and diplomatic about it. It is far better, and more accurate, to talk straight: These allegations about Huma, and the report from which they are drawn, are nothing less than an unwarranted and unfounded attack on an honorable woman, a dedicated American, and a loyal public servant.”

Bachmann Quits While Perry Will “Re-Assess”

Michele Bachmann announced she is ending her campaign for the GOP nomination for President after finishing a distant sixth in the Iowa caucuses, with just 5% of the vote. Most Americans seem relieved they will not have to hear her whiny, nasal, seizure-inducing voice again.

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he will return to Texas to "re-assess" his campaign after finishing fifth with 10% of the Iowa vote. Perry said he will pray and reflect, mainly on "what a caucus is, and is it dirty?"

Gingrich Loses In Iowa

Super-conservative Newt "Herd 'Em Into Camps" Gingrich addresses a crowd in Iowa after he placed a distant fourth in the state caucuses.

Newt Gingrich finished the Iowa caucuses a distant fourth (13%) to Ron Paul (21%) in a disappointing and humiliating defeat at the hands of Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney (25% each), who finished the race virtually tied for first place.

A crushed and deflated Gingrich thanked his supporters in Iowa, telling them both how much he appreciated their tireless efforts, and how the pair came within a narrow but wide margin of putting Gingrich somewhere but not at the top of the state polling.

But with 96% of the votes tallied Gingrich had to admit that “the electoral system in this country is broken and in need of repair. First I can’t qualify for the ballot in my home state of Virginia. Now I didn’t easily defeat that big-mouthed Mormon pansy Mitt Romney in Iowa. Something is seriously wrong!”

Gingrich went on to characterize American voters as “a bunch of fickle bitches! When I am crowned President for Life I’m going to take some names and do some house cleaning – and I mean permanently!

Just a few weeks ago Gingrich was leading in national polls and arrogantly claimed when he is President he will ignore the Supreme Court and the Bill of Rights, create a “second CIA” as a secret police force to spy on and interrogate persons in the United States (contrary to the CIA’s mandate NOT to engage in domestic espionage), and  how he would redecorate the White House with some “new lampshades – a sort of leather-look, if you know what I mean.”

While such comments endeared Gingrich to the quickly fading “Tea Party” ultra-fascist wing of the Republican party, he lost support with the almost-equally craven fundamentalist Christian element of the GOP. Those voters, especially prominent in Iowa, turned to former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, who said as President he would appoint only fetuses to the Supreme Court and “get that ‘reproductive rights’ bullshit cut-out of our national body of laws!”

Texas Governor Rick Perry placed fifth in Iowa with only 10% of the vote. He announced he will return to his home state to “re-assess” his campaign, meaning he isn’t quite ready to but will ultimately officially quit. This is quite a downturn for the once high-riding candidate who held a lead in national polls until his inability to speak, think, or even count on his fingers became evident to voters.

Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann garnered only 5% of the Iowa vote, but most analysts think she is so bat-shit crazy she won’t drop-out of the race until sometime in 2013.

Some guy from Utah got 1% – no one knows who he is.

A grand total of 121,459 votes were cast in the somewhat informal and statistically irrelevant caucuses. In fact so few convention delegates are selected in Iowa it’s surprising anyone pays any attention at all.

GOP Holds Last Debate Before Voting Starts

The final GOP debate before the Iowa caucuses was a love-fest hosted by Fox News. Candidates were tossed softballs by Fox "journalists" and congratulated each other on being so conservative.

What We Learned From The Iowa Debate

Several key pieces of information came out during the ABC Republican debate in Iowa Saturday:

MICHELE BACHMANN: According to Michele Bachmann there is a new candidate named “Newt Romney”. Although this new candidate did not seem to be on the stage, Bachmann referred to him several times and indicated he was off somewhere to her right.

RICK PERRY: Actually can get through an entire debate without doing or saying anything that makes him look like a complete moron – mostly.

RICK SANTORUM: Still has all the charisma of roadkill – which he pretty-much is politically.

MITT ROMNEY: Still really hates Rick Perry, and doesn’t seem to be too fond of Newt Gingrich. The only position he hasn’t flip-flopped on is the claim he hasn’t flip-flopped on anything.

RON PAUL: Starts to make more sense the longer you listen to him – kind of like a hypnotist.

NEWT GINGRICH: If Diane Sawyer asks “How important is marital fidelity to a candidate for the Presidency”, that’s pretty-much giving everyone a free shot at Gingrich since Herman Cain left the field. As a consummate professional obfuscator Newt was able to answer the question himself without actually answering it at all.

GUY FROM UTAH: Is invisible.

Also, no matter how small several of the micro-sized candidates are, they are still taller than George Stephanopoulos.

Bachmann Calls GOP Opponents “Socialists”

GOP back-runner Michele Bachmann tries to get her Tea Party cred back by saluting in a manner they understand.

Congresswoman Michele Bachmann tried to re-energize her failing presidential campaign by accusing her Republican opponents of being “frugal socialists”. Bachmann claimed President Obama and her Republican rivals support “socialized medicine … because they share the same core political philosophy about the purpose of government.”

“I mean look at the color the Republican party has adopted to symbolize its ideals: red – the color of socialism! You won’t catch me dead in red!”

An aide then whispered in Bachmann’s ear and she added: “That’s why I’m wearing this nice salmon-colored jacket today!”

Bachmann Calls Tea Party “Dis” A Perry Ploy

GOP back-runner Michele Bachmann says recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to drop her bid for the presidential candidacy are "a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign"

Michele Bachmann claims recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to cease her campaign for the Republican nomination for President are a “stealth” tactic of the rival Rick Perry campaign.

“Well, of course, we found out that this is really a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign because these are Perry supporters that came out,” Bachmann told CNN. “This was a clumsy move.”

An aide then whispered in her ear and she continued: “I mean…umm…I don’t mean…errr…that the Tea Party is now supporting Perry! These supporters of Perry aren’t real Tea Party! They’re fakes dressed-up like Tea Party, just like I’m dressed like a sailor in the Russian Navy!”

“It certainly isn’t a blow to my campaign,” Bachmann added after regaining her composure, “because I’ve had nonstop support coming out of the woodwork from tea partiers all across the country ever since this came out.”

The aide once again whispered in her ear: “OH! Which is not to imply that tea partiers are mice, or rats, or like termites or something! I mean, y’know, they crawl out of the woodwork in a good, non-vermin way!”

When asked why Perry would target her instead of one of the front-runners like pizza-magnate Herman Cain or Mormon cultist Mitt Romney, the aide whispered in Bachmann’s ear a third time, and she said “Well, obviously, he’s jealous of my hair! I mean Mitt’s is all greased-back, and Herman doesn’t really have any. For Perry it’s all about the hair demographic!”

GOP Criticizes Obama For Ending Iraq War

Yes, Mr. Ex-President, yes it was.

GOP leaders are criticizing President Barack Obama for announcing all U.S. forces will leave Iraq by December 31, 2011. The announcement has been called a “bad idea” by Senator John McCain, a sign if “failure” by candidate Michele Bachmann, and “an astonishing failure to secure an orderly transition in Iraq” by candidate Mitt Romney.

If leaving Iraq is a failure, it’s a failure of George W. Bush, who set that date as the deadline for withdrawal back in 2004. “But I didn’t really mean it!” Bush said when contacted  standing next to a manure pile at this ranch in Texas. “I was just bullshitting the Iraqis. Hell, I didn’t think we’d ever manage to get our asses out of there.”

Things We Learned From The Nevada Debate

The GOP candidates take questions in Las Vegas. Guy From Utah boycotted the debate because he thought what happened in Vegas should stay in Vegas.

Seven of the approximately 40,000 Republican hopefuls for the GOP Presidential candidacy lined-up in Las Vegas to take questions from the audience and moderator Anderson Cooper. Several key points were revealed in the course of the evening.

1: Herman Cain and Rick Perry are brothers. While we see no family resemblance Perry made this point twice.

2: Michele Bachmann is a member of the Russian Navy. She proudly wore her uniform to the Nevada event.

3: Rick Perry and Mitt Romney really, really hate each other. A lot.

4: No one cares at all what Rick Santorum has to say.

5: Newt Gingrich thinks he’s on a book tour.

6: Ron Paul knows how to get applause. Say you think war stinks and so does having to pay taxes. Say it over and over and over, as is you really have nothing else to say. Except you hate the Federal Reserve Bank almost as much as Rick Perry and Mitt Romney hate each other.

7: Herman Cain does well under pressure even if he does have absolutely no clue what he’s talking about. Probably comes from working the counter at the pizza joint on Friday nights.

Cain Wins Big In Florida Straw Poll

Businessman Herman Cain grew almost 12 full inches as a result of winning the Florida 5 straw poll.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain upset the entire GOP presidential race Saturday by winning the straw poll at the Florida 5 convention held by the state Republican party. Cain took a massive 37% of the vote, more than doubling Texas Governor Rick Perry’s 15.4%, and Mitt Romney’s 14%.

Perry is currently leading national polls, with Romney running second and Cain a distant also-ran. However, because of Florida’s traditional disproportionate effect on national politics, and the state’s traditional electoral incompetence, it is difficult to judge how Cain’s win in the unofficial and non-binding straw poll may affect the race. Perry may actually die as a result, and Romney may lose the ability to feed and dress himself.

Other candidates divided-up the spare change: former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum (10.9%), Texas Rep. Ron Paul (10.4%), former House Speaker Newt Gingrich (8.4%), Guy From Utah (2.26%) and Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann (1.5%). Numbers that are essentially statistically insignificant.

Actually the entire thing is insignificant, considering only 2,657 votes were cast, and those by drunks who were farting corndogs.

Bachmann Says Immunizations Cause Retardation

While we’re fairly certain GOP presidential nomination candidate Michele Bachmann knows all about being retarded, she admits her claim that human papilloma virus immunizations given to children in Texas cause mental retardation is purely anecdotal. Bachmann tells how “a woman” at a campaign event told her the woman’s daughter became mentally disabled after receiving the shot.

Bachmann’s famous recalcitrance to admit a mistake was in full force, however, as she refused to deny the claim was false, only that people need to talk to the unknown, unidentified source to determine the truth. Therefore, in Bachmann’s alternate reality, she is merely a reporter or even a human recording of the woman’s claim – and so not in any way wrong.

Numerous medical authorities have stated categorically that the human papilloma virus vaccine does not cause mental retardation.

GOP presidential hopeful (Wing and a Prayer Division) Michele Bachmann relates yet another of her anecdotal second-hand facts.

Perry Is Target Of Opportunity In Latest GOP Debate

The candidates line up before the debate so an audience member can identify the person who stole her purse.

In a case of fairly strange bedfellows, CNN and the Tea Party Express put on a GOP debate at the Florida State Fairgrounds in Tampa. Texas Governor Rick Perry is ahead in the polls, and the other candidates took every opportunity to criticize him for his statements about Social Security and his record in Texas. Only Newt Gingrich stayed above the fray as he continued his campaign to seem like the “nice” candidate who refuses to spar with other Republicans.

When called on his support of a law requiring prepubescent girls to be immunized against the human papilloma virus, a sexually transmitted disease that can lead to cervical cancer, Perry responded “I will always err on the side of human life – and since I may have unprotected sex with some of these girls in the near future, my life needs to be protected.” Michele Bachmann pointed-out that one of Perry’s aides was associated with a pharmaceutical company that made a profit from the legislation, but Perry had a ready response to the allegation of influence peddling: “That was part of my jobs plan – that’s how we create jobs by helping companies expand into new markets like prepubescent girls.”

The audience applauded Ron Paul when he said the economy would improve if we didn’t spend trillions of dollars on foreign wars. The crowd seemed to like the idea of saving money. But Paul drew derisive boos when he tried to make the case that terrorism is a result of arrogant American foreign policies instead of a rabid and unreasoning hatred of Americans because we’re so free, good, and pure, as Rick Santorum insisted.

Businessman Herman Cain said very little because moderator Wolf Blitzer didn’t ask him any questions. Blitzer tried to send some questions Cain’s way, but every time he did members of the Tea Party audience brandished nooses and buckets of hot tar.

After the debate a poll showed that most voters thought Rick Perry was a plastic department store dummy that can talk, while Mitt Romney drew the most votes for “inflatable life raft”. As usual Ron Paul took the prize for “most incoherent”, while The Guy From Utah and Rick Santorum tied for “who are those guys, anyway?”. Candidates Bachmann and Gingrich were in their usual tie for “most difficult to see behind the podium”.

Michele Bachmann Promises $2 Per Gallon Gas

Michele Bachmann does her magic act for voters during a campaign stop in the Land of Oz.

GOP presidential nomination candidate Michele Bachmann blamed President Barack Obama for the high price of oil, and promised she will lower the price of gas to $2 per gallon if elected.

Bachmann also claimed she will make gay people straight with the power of her mind, will use a Ouija board to discover the locations of Jimmy Hoffa and D.B. Cooper, and will make Congress disappear.

Oh, and she says she can hypnotize snakes just by staring at them.

Bachmann Raises Elvis From The Dead

GOP front runner Michele Bachmann discusses her religious beliefs.

Michele Bachmann, currently leading the massive pack of Republican hopefuls for the 2012 presidential nomination, told a crowd in Spartanburg, SC “let’s all say ‘Happy Birthday’ to Elvis Presley today,”

Which would be great except the date was the anniversary of Presley’s death 34 years ago.

Does anyone check this woman’s copy? Let’s see: she didn’t know what state Lexington and Concord were in when the “Shot Heard ‘Round The World” was fired (same one they’re still in: Massachusetts); she thought John Wayne the actor was from her home town – but it was actually John Wayne Gacy the serial killer; and now she has Elvis being born the day he died. I guess none of these are enough to disqualify someone to be President of the United States, but perhaps the trend in dumbness should.

Bachmann Paid $180,000 For Straw Poll Votes

This is not a joke: Michele Bachmann paid for 6,000 tickets to the Iowa Straw Poll that she then gave away to supporters and other attendees. And 4,823 of those people returned the favor by casting their ballots for her.

In contrast Ron Paul gave away very few tickets yet came-in second by only 152 votes. Yet the media is strangely mute about Paul’s very existence let alone his performance in Iowa. That’s because the media want a three-way between Bachmann, Romney, and Perry – it will be good for ratings.

Paying for votes at the Straw Poll is as old as the poll itself – the first was held in 1979 when George “Daddy” Bush bought the win – only to later lose the nomination to Straw Poll loser Ronald Reagan.

Statistically the Straw Poll is not a good predictor of anything, because it has only been held six times. Based on that small sample it seems to be a good predictor of the outcome of the Iowa caucuses, but also a good predictor of who won’t win the presidency. But all this is up for grabs as the numbers are actually insignificant.

So what is the Iowa Straw Poll actually about? It’s about PR – it’s a way to buy media attention. Or if you’re Tim Pawlenty it’s a good way to discover you don’t have the stomach for national politics.

Pawlenty Runs From Bachmann Like Frightened Child

Tim Pawlenty explains the reasoning behind his decision to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination for president.

Former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty announced he is quitting the race for the Republican presidential nomination after losing to both Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul in the unofficial and non-binding Iowa Straw Poll.

Based on the votes of around 7,000 attendees at the Ames, Iowa fair, where voters paid $30 each to cast a ballot in the fundraising polling event, Pawlenty was a distant third with less than half the votes of either Bachmann or Paul.

When asked if dropping out of the race based on such a minor contest was really warranted, Pawlenty told reporters “I ate one of those deep-fried butter things, and now I have a terrible belly ache – ulp! Excuse me – must get to the restroom! Out of the way!”

Bachmann Wins Iowa Straw Poll

Michele Bachmann addresses a crowd of deep-fried butter intoxicated Iowa rednecks after winning the Iowa GOP Straw Poll.

Michele Bachmann has won the first of the nation’s unofficial, non-binding, wholly trivial campaign contests by taking the Iowa Straw Poll with 4,823 votes, just edging-out Ron Paul’s 4,671 votes. Tim Pawlenty came in third with 2,293 votes, making him an unbelievable loser when you consider who beat him.

Pizza magnate Herman Cain ran fourth with 1,456 votes, while Mitt Romney placed sixth with 567 votes, coming-in behind Texas Gov. Rick Perry’s 718 votes as a write-in candidate who wasn’t even on the ballot. Newt Gingrich placed a disappointing eighth, getting slightly fewer votes than a pile of petrified ox dung that managed to beat him despite doing no active campaigning.

The Guy From Utah didn’t take part in the Straw Poll.  Rick Santorum received a single vote, reportedly from the pile of ox dung.

What We Learned From The GOP Debate In Iowa

Eight of the more than three thousand Republican candidates for the party's presidential nomination met in Iowa Thursday.

Here a few tidbits of information we picked up from the latest GOP debate in Iowa:

RON PAUL lives in an alternate universe where all problems can be solved by reforming monetary policy and returning to the gold standard.

MICHELE BACHMANN takes so long to pee it made her late getting back to the stage after a commercial break.

MITT ROMNEY apparently thinks “the way the economy works” is you shut-down factories and make sure your state is 47th out of 50 in job creation.

TIM PAWLENTY likes to fight with short women and instead of raising taxes likes to create “fees”.

HERMAN CAIN wants the country to have “high fences” AND “wide open doors”, apparently making the fences unnecessary.

NEWT GINGRICH won’t answer “gotcha questions” like why did all your campaign staff quit and what are your foreign policy views, and thinks the crowd is bellowing “NEWT” when they are actually booing.

GUY FROM UTAH owns a company that created 10,000 jobs…in China.

RICK SANTORUM’s toupee causes me to have epileptic fits whenever his face is on-screen – and apparently has the same effect on Bret Baier because he never asked him anything.

Fox News moderator Bret Baier conducts the Iowa debate in a predictably fair and balanced manner.

Perry Matches Romney In Polls Without Actually Running

Texas Governor Rick Perry explains his campaign strategy which he calls "MAD", or "Might Actually Do'er". "Do'er" is of course Texan slang for screwing a person or a country.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is just two polling points behind Mitt Romney in the latest CNN/ORC International poll. Of those Republicans and Independents who identify themselves as likely to vote for a Republican candidate 15 percent favor Perry, while 17 percent favor Romney. The poll has an error margin of more than 2% – making the two front-runners dead even.

“It’s the unknown factor X” one pollster said. “No one knows who the hell Rick Perry is, so he looks pretty good compared to the rest of the pack. There hasn’t been time for the media to smear him, and he hasn’t had enough national exposure to act like a moron in front of people.”

Former 1/2 Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former sane person Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, are at 12 percent apiece. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and former Australian pitchable-midget Rep. Michele Bachmann are so far behind they can’t even be seen on the horizon – not surprising considering they are only 2 feet tall.

Bachmann Compares Herself To Serial Killer

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann confused John Wayne the actor with John Wayne Gacy the serial killer.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said “I want them [voters] to know just like John Wayne is from Waterloo Iowa, that’s the spirit I have too,” while being interviewed on Fox News on Sunday. The only problem with that is John Wayne is from Winterset, Iowa, where the legendary actor was born. It was serial killer and evil clown painter John Wayne Gacy who lived in Bachmann’s home town of Waterloo.

When it was pointed out to Bachmann that she had made a mistake by comparing herself to the serial killer, she replied “No I didn’t”.