Bachmann Calls Tea Party “Dis” A Perry Ploy

GOP back-runner Michele Bachmann says recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to drop her bid for the presidential candidacy are "a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign"

Michele Bachmann claims recent calls by Tea Party organizations for her to cease her campaign for the Republican nomination for President are a “stealth” tactic of the rival Rick Perry campaign.

“Well, of course, we found out that this is really a misstep on the part of the Perry campaign because these are Perry supporters that came out,” Bachmann told CNN. “This was a clumsy move.”

An aide then whispered in her ear and she continued: “I mean…umm…I don’t mean…errr…that the Tea Party is now supporting Perry! These supporters of Perry aren’t real Tea Party! They’re fakes dressed-up like Tea Party, just like I’m dressed like a sailor in the Russian Navy!”

“It certainly isn’t a blow to my campaign,” Bachmann added after regaining her composure, “because I’ve had nonstop support coming out of the woodwork from tea partiers all across the country ever since this came out.”

The aide once again whispered in her ear: “OH! Which is not to imply that tea partiers are mice, or rats, or like termites or something! I mean, y’know, they crawl out of the woodwork in a good, non-vermin way!”

When asked why Perry would target her instead of one of the front-runners like pizza-magnate Herman Cain or Mormon cultist Mitt Romney, the aide whispered in Bachmann’s ear a third time, and she said “Well, obviously, he’s jealous of my hair! I mean Mitt’s is all greased-back, and Herman doesn’t really have any. For Perry it’s all about the hair demographic!”

Perry May Skip Future Debates

Texas Governor Rick Perry may not take part in any more Republican debates, mainly because people seem to remember the things he said in the previous debates.

GOP presidential contender Rick Perry may not attend future campaign debates, according to his communications director Ray Sullivan. “We’re about 60 days away from votes being cast,” Sullivan said on CNN’s “John King, USA” Wednesday. “That’s just ‘way too much time for Rick to say more stuff that makes little or no sense. We want to stay on message which is we have very little in the way of message.”

Perry himself expressed regret for participating in the debates so far: “These debates are set up for nothing more than to tear down the candidates. It’s pretty hard to be able to sit and lay out your ideas and your concepts with a one-minute response. Especially if those ideas and concepts are really hard for me to understand and remember, no matter how many times my staff makes me practice.”

The Perry campaign said it will instead concentrate on grassroots politicking in Iowa, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Florida and Nevada. “Especially Nevada – that was the debate where he really looked like a whiny moron. We’ve got a lot of damage control to do there” Sullivan said.

Strange Herman Cain Ad Difficult To Decipher

GOP frontrunner Herman Cain's Chief of Staff Mark Block blows smoke.

A new ad for Herman Cain’s presidential candidacy campaign has a lot of people wondering just what the message is supposed to be. In the ad Cain’s Chief of Staff Mark Block talks about how honored he is to be working for Cain, then takes a drag on a cigarette and blows smoke into the camera. This is followed by a shot of Cain giving a somewhat bemused and sphinx-like smile.

People close to the campaign say there was a technical glitch: “That shot of Herman at the end was supposed to have a sub-title saying ‘Herman Cain: He’s not just blowing smoke up your asses’ – but somehow it got left out. The whole thing would have made more sense.”

Voter Fraud Alleged In San Francisco Mayoral Race

Supporters of incumbent Mayor Ed Lee are accused of illegally handling vote-by-mail ballots.

Allegations of ballot tampering are hanging over supporters of incumbent San Francisco mayor Ed Lee. Individuals who claim to have witnessed the tampering say Lee’s supporters set-up a make-shift “booth” in the city’s China Town district, where they not only filled-out vote-by-mail ballots for elderly Chinese voters, but used “stencils” to mask the names of other candidates.

It is in fact possible that some of the elderly Chinese voters might have voted for someone other than an incumbent who is Chinese. After all, it is also possible the Moon might explode tomorrow and cover the Earth in melted cheese. If you can have one, you can have the other.

Pat Robertson Criticizes GOP Campaign Rhetoric

The Reverend Pat Robertson criticized Republican candidates for espousing extremist views, saying “Those people in the Republican primary have got to lay off of this stuff. They’re forcing their leaders, the frontrunners, into positions that will mean they lose the general election.”

This is like if Hannibal Lecter advised someone to become a vegan.

Speaking during a segment of his “700 Club” television program, Robertson said he doesn’t disagree with extreme right-wing views on issues like same-sex marriage, immigration, health care, taxation, and rounding-up liberals and herding them into “re-education camps” – he just knows from experience that the majority of Americans don’t agree with them.

“It’s really what wrecked my campaigns for President” Robertson reflected. “When I say things like the Teletubbies are gay, or Haitians suffered a devastating earthquake because they’re into voodoo and made a pact with Satan, you can actually see the majority of people turn away in disgust.”

Robertson offered some strategic advice to the candidates: “Hide your real opinions and concentrate on getting elected. Then, once you’re in power, you can go as crazy as you want. I mean, who’s gonna stop you? The President controls the military!”

GOP Criticizes Obama For Ending Iraq War

Yes, Mr. Ex-President, yes it was.

GOP leaders are criticizing President Barack Obama for announcing all U.S. forces will leave Iraq by December 31, 2011. The announcement has been called a “bad idea” by Senator John McCain, a sign if “failure” by candidate Michele Bachmann, and “an astonishing failure to secure an orderly transition in Iraq” by candidate Mitt Romney.

If leaving Iraq is a failure, it’s a failure of George W. Bush, who set that date as the deadline for withdrawal back in 2004. “But I didn’t really mean it!” Bush said when contacted  standing next to a manure pile at this ranch in Texas. “I was just bullshitting the Iraqis. Hell, I didn’t think we’d ever manage to get our asses out of there.”

New Study Tells How To Recognize A Psychopath

You can't always tell who is a psychopath by looking - you also have to listen - unfortunately if you say the wrong thing in the conversation you may learn who is a psycho from their actual behavior.

Researchers at Cornell University have published a study based on interviews with convicted murderers that outlines what to look for to recognize a psychopath:

  • A lack of emotion. People who show a lack of emotion might not just be tired after a long stressful day, or even just over-medicated by their quack doctor – they may be unfeeling killing machines.
  • Speaks in terms of cause-and-effect when describing their crimes. Of course, if someone is volunteering information about crimes they have committed, that might be a tip-off right there.
  • Focuses their attention on basic needs, such as food, drink and money. Anyone who talks about food, drink, and money is someone to run from, possibly screaming if it seems warranted. So Emeril and Niel Cavuto are real suspects here.
  • Psychopaths are typically profoundly selfish. So if you know anyone who thinks of themselves first, chances are they want to behead you and eat your esophagus.
  • Psychopaths are known for being cunning and manipulative, unlike say CEOs or insurance salesmen.
  • Psychopaths use more dysfluencies — the “uhs” and “ums” that interrupt speech. Nearly universal in speech, dysfluencies indicate that the speaker needs some time to think about what they are saying. With regard to psychopaths, “We think the ‘uhs’ and ‘ums’ are about putting the mask of sanity on.” So if you know someone what actually thinks about what they say before they say it, you should kill them before they kill you.

Soldiers Burn Bill O’Reilly’s Book

No kidding – they have to burn trash because there’s no recycling facilities in Afghanistan. And no matter how long they go without toilet paper they don’t want this crap even touching their asses.

World To End Friday

The world will end Friday October 21, 2011, according to radio minister Harold Camping. Camping’s earlier prediction that the world would end May 21 turned-out to be wrong, but he says “I put new batteries in my calculator and now there’s no doubt, it’s Friday. I would have liked to give you all a heads-up sooner, but things kept coming up, like I had to have my tires rotated and my wife’s root canal – so I just got around to it. Have a nice last day!”

Things We Learned From The Nevada Debate

The GOP candidates take questions in Las Vegas. Guy From Utah boycotted the debate because he thought what happened in Vegas should stay in Vegas.

Seven of the approximately 40,000 Republican hopefuls for the GOP Presidential candidacy lined-up in Las Vegas to take questions from the audience and moderator Anderson Cooper. Several key points were revealed in the course of the evening.

1: Herman Cain and Rick Perry are brothers. While we see no family resemblance Perry made this point twice.

2: Michele Bachmann is a member of the Russian Navy. She proudly wore her uniform to the Nevada event.

3: Rick Perry and Mitt Romney really, really hate each other. A lot.

4: No one cares at all what Rick Santorum has to say.

5: Newt Gingrich thinks he’s on a book tour.

6: Ron Paul knows how to get applause. Say you think war stinks and so does having to pay taxes. Say it over and over and over, as is you really have nothing else to say. Except you hate the Federal Reserve Bank almost as much as Rick Perry and Mitt Romney hate each other.

7: Herman Cain does well under pressure even if he does have absolutely no clue what he’s talking about. Probably comes from working the counter at the pizza joint on Friday nights.

GOP Unveils Voluntary Tax “Buffet Bill”

The new GOP “Buffet Bill” allows people to voluntarily pay more in taxes. To spread the word the government will hire Jerry Lewis because “he’s got experience in this sort of thing and we hear he’s available”.

To counter the Obama administration and billionaire Warren Buffet’s call for tax increases on people making more than $1 million annually, the GOP majority in the House of Representatives has announced a “Buffet Bill” of their own that will allow voluntary over-payments on taxes.

“If individuals like Warren Buffett or President Obama are inclined to donate their own personal money toward paying down the federal government’s debt, they ought to have that right to do so voluntarily,” said John Thune (R –  S. Dakota), author of the bill. “And if other rich people want to keep paying their money directly to members of congress, they should have that right as well.”

Big Ben Is Leaning

London's clock tower that houses "Big Ben" (actually the name of the bell) is sinking, causing the 150 year-old landmark to lean.

London’s famous clock tower that houses the bell known as “Big Ben” is noticeably leaning, reportedly because the foundation is settling on the north side of the edifice. “It’s decided to lean to the right” Tory politicians claim. Liberal Democrats however claim that’s to the viewer’s right – “Actually ‘Big Ben’ has a decided lean to the left!”

Cain Says Racism Isn’t Holding Anyone Back

GOP hopeful Herman Cain appeared on CNN's "State of the Union" with anchor Candy Crowley.

Herman Cain told CNN anchor Candy Crowley “I don’t believe racism in this country today holds anybody back in a big way,” on CNN’s “State of the Union”. “Are there some elements of racism? Yes. It gets back to if we don’t grow this economy, that is a ripple effect for every economic level, and because blacks are more disproportionately unemployed, they get hit the worst when economic policies don’t work.”

When asked why blacks were “more disproportionately unemployed” Cain said “well obviously because we don’t have the education white and Asian workers do – that’s why unemployment among blacks is roughly ten times greater than it is for whites or Asians.”

When asked why blacks don’t have the same educational levels as whites and Asians, Cain explained “well, whites because they’re, y’know, white. And everyone knows Asians are just smarter than other people – which makes the fact that they’re such lousy drivers kind of surprising.”

When asked how blacks might overcome this educational “anomaly”, Cain said “It takes money. Look at me – I’m a gazillionaire, and I never experience any racism. Green’s the color no one discriminates against. When black people say ‘But Mr. Cain, sir, we can’t all be gazillionaires like you’, well, that’s the kind of attitude that’s holding them back. Racism’s got nothing to do with it. There’s the problem, and that’s my solution.”

Ron Paul Wins “Values Voter” Straw Poll

Ron Paul discusses his win in the "Values Voter Summit" straw poll in Washington.

Semi-libertarian and full-time curmudgeon Ron Paul won the straw poll at the GOP “Value Voters Summit” in Washington. Paul has won several previous GOP straw polls, which doesn’t keep the Republican party and the news media from treating him like a political joke.

Paul’s 37% win amongst “Value Voters” isn’t quite as impressive as his other wins, however, since “Value Votes” are discounted at 50% off. This still doesn’t explain how Paul got 732 votes at an event with only 600 registered attendees.

Joan Rivers Dances On The Red Carpet

Comedienne Joan Rivers celebrates her latest face lift by dancing on the red carpet while an usher stands by to catch any parts that might fly off.

Regis Philbin Says TV is “On The Way Down”

Morning chat show host Regis Philbin says television is "taking a step down" due to cable TV's lack of standards. For example they put a lot of has-beens into low budget shows that essentially do the same material show after show....

Morning chat show and game show superstar Regis Philbin, who is retiring at age 80, says television standards are declining. “It has all been a step down. The cable shows have no boundaries and they can do whatever they want with it, and the broadcasting stations are beginning to look at that and see how it attracts an audience and are beginning to take that step down too.”

Philbin cites his own popularity as a prime example. “Look at my show: it’s a washed-up second banana to Joey Bishop and the current bimbo-of-the-week basically drinking coffee and talking about how much better our lives are than the viewers’ lives. Have you seen that crap? Half of the time it’s just an excuse to get my wife on the air so she doesn’t complain about how much younger tail I’m getting on the side – y’know what I mean? HUH!?! DO YOU!?! ALL RIGHT!!!”