Says He Doesn’t Want Them To Get Fat Like Him

(Click the image to read the full story at CNN.com)

White House Reveals Identity Of CIA Station Chief

(Click the image to read the full story at CNN.com)

Cruise: Acting As Tough As War

(Click the image to read the full story at FoxNews.com)

U.S. And NATO Forces Secure Route Out Of Afghanistan

U.S. and NATO forces in Afghanistan have reached agreements with Uzbekistan, Kyrgyzstan and Kazakhstan to allow them to exit Afghanistan through those countries, circumventing an ever-more hostile Pakistan.

(NOTE: Actually Herman Cain said “Uzbekibekistanstan”, but that would have made the word balloon taller than the entire image, so we had to make an editorial decision.)

NATO Agrees To Obama Afghanistan Strategy

NATO leaders have agreed to the Obama administration’s exit strategy to get the multinational force out of Afghanistan by the end of 2014.

Obama Makes Totally Non-Campaign-Related Trip To Afghanistan

President Barack Obama made a secret trip to Afghanistan that included a secret announcement to the entire world that the U.S. will leave the war-torn country on-schedule in 2014, due to the really almost certainly impending total destruction of al Qaeda.

Meanwhile, At The Pentagon….

Wait A Second….

Everyone who is working themselves into a depressive frenzy wailing over Whitney Houston drowning in a bathtub full of her own vomit please stop and give a thought to, say,  all those people in Syria who are being slaughtered by their own government, or the soldiers who just died in Afghanistan for no really good reason, or really just about anyone who wasn’t a pampered pop star who made bad choices and are responsible for their own tragic demise, but are instead victims of an unjust and uncaring world.

Just sayin’

Soldiers Burn Bill O’Reilly’s Book

No kidding – they have to burn trash because there’s no recycling facilities in Afghanistan. And no matter how long they go without toilet paper they don’t want this crap even touching their asses.

From The Diary Of Osama bin Laden #1

April 28 2011

Dear Diary,

Why have they not voted Kirstie Alley off of “Dancing With The Stars”? I have camels that are more graceful! It’s a conspiracy – they are rigging the voting because her weight loss is good PR! This is just the kind of thing that makes me wish death to America!

Obama Announces Iraq War Is Over….

….for everyone except the Iraqis.

Only seven years after the first announcement it was over.

Insubordinate Army Doctor Screws Pooch

Army veteran doctor Lt. Col Terrence Lakin refused to deploy overseas in a bid to force President Obama to make his birth certificate public. His ploy was to get himself a court-martial and contend Obama had no right to order him to Afghanistan because the President is not a born citizen of the United States. Military legal authorities say he has no chance of presenting such a case, since the refusal of an order is not affected by the status of the President. Lakin will probably be kicked out of the service.

Lakin is apparently among those who persist in denying the validity of the birth certificate Obama posted on the Internet. That certificate, along with multiple newspaper birth announcements dated August 4, 1961, have been called “fakes” by Obama opponents. In his bid for a legal venue to express his belief that Obama is not legally the President of the United States Lakin apparently took the advice of one Paul Rolf Jensen, who once worked as a military law clerk for three months. Although Jensen is apparently an attorney he is not an expert in military law.

This has prompted calls for a review of the Army’s testing requirements, partly because of Lakin’s demonstrated lack of intelligence, but also because he is backed by well-known lunatic and former Presidential candidate Alan Keyes. “If Keyes is for you, that’s an indication right there that maybe there is a psychological problem, and maybe the Army should have caught that before accepting Dr. Lakin as a recruit” said one source we can’t name for reasons of non-existence.

People who are convinced Obama is not a natural-born citizen are known as “birthers”, as well as “paranoid”, “desperate”, “pathetic”, “racist”, and “republican”.

Media Questions Obama Afghanistan Plan

Their question seems to be: “Is this like Vietnam, or the Surge in Iraq, or something else we can compare it to so we don’t have to do any original thinking?”

U.S. To Pay Taliban Fighters To Switch Sides

Here’s a story on CNN that tells of U.S. plans to pay Taliban fighters to switch to the Afghan government’s side. They call it the “Taliban reintegration provision”. The Taliban are calling it “let’s use the money to buy weapons to kill Americans with” – a sort-of welfare program. The way it works is, a Taliban fighter surrenders his jammed AK-47 with no ammo in the clip, gets a bag full of cash, then goes to downtown Kabul and buys a new rocket-propelled grenade launcher, a ten pound block of plastic explosive, some fuses, and a couple of cell phones. Then he just sort of wanders-off into the mountains. Meanwhile we have his signed pledge not to be a Taliban soldier anymore – so we’re covered, legally.

"We got the money!"

They Don’t Have A Nobel For Spending Money

U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Prize for Peace, making him the first recipient of that award who has never actually done anything to promote peace.

Obama said “I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership.” So if there were a Nobel for understatement he would have that one, too. The announcement by the Nobel Committee cited ” Obama’s incredible potential for accomplishing something some day” as the deciding factor in awarding the prize. “If and when he gets off the pot, we expect to see great strides toward global peace” the announcement announced.

Other Nobel awards announced at the same time: The Standing Still award, the Being Very Quiet For A Long Long Time award, the Managing To Not Be Noticed award, and of course the Taking Forever To Come Up With An Afghanistan Policy award, which Obama also won.