GraceLessLand hopes everyone has a much better 2012 than 2011 was – well, it just about has to be better, doesn’t it?
Sinead O’Connor’s fourth or fifth marriage has ended after just 16 days. Her latest husband, Barry Herridge, said he could no longer pretend the marriage was working.
“It’s just a difference of beliefs” Herridge said. “She believes in same-sex marriage, but I don’t.”
A panel of three civilian judges has ruled that the Egyptian military has no right to perform “virginity tests” on female protesters being held prisoner in military prisons. The military has claimed the tests are necessary to protect prison personnel against false charges of abuse.
“In our culture it is not allowed to rape a virgin” a military spokesperson said. “We must determine who is a candidate for abuse and who is not. We wouldn’t want to do anything wrong.”
Texas Governor Rick “What Month Is This?” Perry has filed suit in U.S. District Court to challenge the signature requirement to get on the Virginia Republican primary ballot.
“Virginia ballot access rules are among the most onerous and are particularly problematic in a multi-candidate election” said Perry Campaign spokesperson Ray Sullivan. “We’re challenging the signature requirement under the Federal handicapped access laws. No one can reasonably expect a person of Rick’s limited intelligence to understand, let alone fulfill these draconian requirements.”
In addition to his campaign woes, like not qualifying for the primary ballot in his home state of Virginia, and losing ground to both Mitt Romney and Ron Paul in polls, newly discovered court documents contradict Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich’s claims that he did not want to divorce his first wife.
Gingrich’s official website disputes claims he left his first wife, and that in fact it was his wife Jackie Gingrich who initiated divorce proceedings, apparently from her hospital bed where she was recovering from cancer surgery. Gingrich and his daughter, also named Jackie, also dispute that Mrs. Gingrich #1 was suffering from cancer at the time.
Of course Gingrich also disputes the fact that the Congress of the United States of America found him guilty of ethics violations when he was a member, and that he was paid $1.6 million dollars for lobbying efforts on behalf of the Freddie Mac mortgage organization (because he doesn’t call himself a lobbyist, therefore how can he be one?).
Gingrich also insists that as President he would not be bound by Supreme Court decisions, nor by the Constitution, nor the Bill of Rights, nor common decency – because he hasn’t paid any attention to those things in the past, so there’s precedent for being a scumbag dictator.
Republican Presidential candidate Newt “Laws Is For Losers” Gingrich is blaming Virginia for keeping him off the state Republican primary ballot. Like Texas Governor Rick Perry, Gingrich failed to get the required 10,000 voter signatures to qualify for the ballot.
The Gingrich campaign said “only a failed system” would disqualify Gingrich from running in Virginia. “They require all these signatures from candidates no one in Virginia wants to vote for – that’s blatantly unfair just because we’re unpopular!”
Gingrich campaign director Michael Krull said his candidate will run a write-in campaign, even though write-ins are illegal in Virginia primaries. “That’s their problem,” Krull said. “Newt Gingrich isn’t just above the law – Newt Gingrich IS the law!” And as if to prove his point he had several campaign workers summarily executed “just because I can!”
On a lighter note, Virginia is Gingrich’s home state.
What’s the deal with Virginia? First the Virginia Republican Party announced that candidate Rick Perry failed to gather enough signatures to qualify for the state primary ballot. And now they have announced that first-no-wait-second-place polling candidate Newt “I’m Even Smarter Than Myself” Gingrich has also failed to gather enough signatures for his petition to be accepted.
“It was a dirty trick on the part of the Ron Paul campaign” one Gingrich insider said. “They switched all the pens our campaign workers use for ones with invisible ink!”
“That’s ridiculous!” a Paul campaign worker said. “We just switched them for pens with no ink in them at all!”
GOP presidential primary candidate Rick Perry will not appear on the Virginia primary ballot because his petition lacked the necessary 10,000 signatures.
“While there were 10,000 entries made in favor of Governor Perry’s candidacy, there weren’t 10,000 individual names – just ‘Me, Rick Perry’ entered 10,000 times,” a Virginia Republican Party spokesperson said.
Researchers have revealed the discovery of possible complex organic molecules on the Surface of Pluto, found using the Hubble Space Telescope’s spectral imaging equipment.
Alan Stern, of the Southwest Research Institute in Boulder, Colo., said “This is an exciting finding because complex Plutonian hydrocarbons and other molecules that could be responsible for the ultraviolet spectral features we found with Hubble may, among other things, be responsible for giving Pluto its ruddy color.”
Stern also revealed the study has found strange features on Pluto that eject large amounts of hot gases into space. “These appear to be related to the Republican primary campaigns, and we expect these features will dry-up and blow away as we get into 2012.”
Archie comics’ gay characters Kevin and Clay tie the knot in “Life With Archie” #16 – but could it become a double wedding?
Kim Jong Il, the North Korean dictator who led the West about by the nose for 18 years, has died according to North Korean media reports. His son Kim Jong Eun, who is reportedly just as insanely despotic as his father was.
Kim Jong Il assumed power in 1994 after the death of his father Kim Il Sung. During his lifetime Kim Jong Il was purported to have kidnapped foreigners to use as actors in movies, as sex slaves, and to elicit information.
He was widely regarded as a crackpot who had a startling ability to double-deal at the negotiating table, often leading Western powers to pay him huge bribes and then reneging on agreements. Under Kim Jong Il North Korea had an on-again, off-again nuclear weapons program that he used to blackmail foreign powers.
North Korea has been a major supplier of arms to terrorists and anti-Western militants. They are also suspected of trafficking in drugs, black market organs, and human beings.
Absolutely no one will really miss him.
Stephen Glass, infamous for fabricating information in articles he wrote for “George” and “New Republic” magazines in the late 1990s, has been trying to become a lawyer in California for the past five years. Glass graduated from Georgetown school of law in 2000, applied to the New York bar but withdrew his application after waiting several years, then applied in California in 2005. His application has been in limbo ever since.
“It’s not that there’s anything about being an accomplished liar that precludes being an attorney” a source close to the state Bar Association said. “It’s just that this guy is such an accomplished liar we don’t know if other California attorneys need the competition..”
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has announced the state will charge $50 per hour per police officer required to ensure security at protest events. The move comes after other attempts by Walker to tag protesters with bills for their actions failed – for example when he over-stated $270k in “damages” at the Wisconsin State House at $7.2 million.
“We need some way to keep these undesirable elements off the streets,” Walker said. “And since most of them seem to be working people with limited resources (especially after I get done with their benefit packages) charging them to exercise their Constitutional rights seems the way to go. From now on only people with money will be heard in Wisconsin. Money talks, everything else is bullshit!”
A recent announcement by scientists at the CERN high-energy physics laboratory concerning the Higgs boson, or “God particle” as it is popularly known, has upset many people in the religious community. People from all faiths have come together to criticize the announcement that evidence of the Higgs boson has been found.
“God is not a particle!” members of the Westboro Baptist Church said. “God is an old man with a long beard who lives in the sky, wears a dress, and hates fags! That’s why he kills soldiers! The logic is inescapable!”
“The idea that God is a tiny particle of sub-atomic energy that imparts mass is insulting – this makes God responsible for obesity – and God is not fattening!” cried members of the American Rabbi and Garment Manufacturers Association, adding “Where did you get that suit? Did you pay retail for that?”
And several imams claimed the idea that there is a “God particle” proves the corrupting influence of Western society on Muslims and legitimizes jihad – along with Dolly Parton and “American Idol”: “Any of these alone would be enough for us to hate the West, even though quite a number of us live there!”
The groups then began arguing about just how big God is, and what size suit he might wear, quickly resorting to fisticuffs.
Blackwater, the private security firm that operated death squads for the Bush administration in Iraq, has changed its name to reflect its new ownership.
“The message here is not that we’re changing the name,” said Ted Wright, who came on as the new company CEO in June. “The message is that we’re changing the company, and the name just reflects those changes. We have new owners, a new board of directors, a new management team, new location, new attitude on governance, new openness, new strategy – it’s a whole new company.”
As part of the new openness policy the company will be called “Soulless Mercenary Swine Who Slaughter People For Money And Really We Don’t Care What The Reason Is”.
MICHELE BACHMANN: According to Michele Bachmann there is a new candidate named “Newt Romney”. Although this new candidate did not seem to be on the stage, Bachmann referred to him several times and indicated he was off somewhere to her right.
RICK PERRY: Actually can get through an entire debate without doing or saying anything that makes him look like a complete moron – mostly.
RICK SANTORUM: Still has all the charisma of roadkill – which he pretty-much is politically.
MITT ROMNEY: Still really hates Rick Perry, and doesn’t seem to be too fond of Newt Gingrich. The only position he hasn’t flip-flopped on is the claim he hasn’t flip-flopped on anything.
RON PAUL: Starts to make more sense the longer you listen to him – kind of like a hypnotist.
NEWT GINGRICH: If Diane Sawyer asks “How important is marital fidelity to a candidate for the Presidency”, that’s pretty-much giving everyone a free shot at Gingrich since Herman Cain left the field. As a consummate professional obfuscator Newt was able to answer the question himself without actually answering it at all.
GUY FROM UTAH: Is invisible.
Also, no matter how small several of the micro-sized candidates are, they are still taller than George Stephanopoulos.
Former GOP front-runner Rick Perry is trying to expand into the vacuum left by the departure of Herman Cain by touting his Christian credentials in a new campaign ad that attacks gays serving in the military at the same time it attacks the separation of church and state.
Perry claims America’s problems can be pegged to letting gays serve in the military but not allowing children to worship in school. Unfortunately for his credibility he doesn’t say anything about America’s problems being caused by brainless and greedy politicians who will do and say anything if they think it will get them into a position of power, from which they can command large bribes from lobbyists and sell their influence to the highest bidder.
Perry is also wearing a really bitchin’ two-tone jacket in the ad – and walking on a nice green lawn, and his hair is perfectly coiffed. Just in case you muted the sound the second he appeared on-screen he wants to make a good impression.