“Sex and the City 2” Banned In Abu Dhabi

The United Arab Emirates city of Abu Dhabi has banned all screenings of the new “Sex and the City 2” movie. The film’s producers responded with a blistering critique of “Islamic conservatism” and “outdated moral strictures”.

But one Abu Dhabi official said the filmakers had misunderstood: “It’s not the sex, it’s just a really terrible movie. This movie stinks so bad it makes your oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico seem like roses. See that pile of camel dung over there? Perfume by comparison. We just can’t subject our people to this kind of awful, horrid writing, acting, and directing. Allah-the-One himself would barf over this dog.”

The cast of "Sex and the City 2" at the premier in Abu Dhabi. The film was stopped after the first ten minutes.

Liza With A “Jeez!”

My eyes, my eyes – take them out – I never want light to enter them again!

Liza Minelli turned heads and stomachs at the "Sex and The City" premiere. If this is sex in the city I want to only screw in the woods.

Scientists Create Synthetic Life

Researchers at the Frank N. Stein Institute in Maryland have announced the creation of the first artificial living cell, which they have named Ed.

“This is a hugh leap forward. We can now create completely synthetic nipples for all those people who have none” Dr. Stein said.

Apparently the new nipple cells are blue because it’s cold in the lab.

The new synthetic cells decide what to do on their first day of "life"

Playboy Publishes 3D Centerfold

In a huge leap forward for the softcore porn industry Playboy is featuring a 3D centerfold (with glasses) in it’s newest issue. So now men can look at nude women in 3D just as if they were real. You know, like real women in real life. What do you mean “no, I don’t know”?

Humans And Neanderthals Share DNA

Researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Germany have sequenced 60% of the Neanderthal genome and found that neanderthals and modern humans share DNA, proving that the two species interbred at some point in the past.

Scientists compared 40,000 year-old Neanderthal bone DNA with samples from modern residents of southern Africa, West Africa, Papua New Guinea, China, and one French person. Some shared as much as 1% – 4% of the Neanderthal genome, “except the French guy – he was more like 70%”.

A neanderthal attempts to communicate with humans in hopes of mating

Neanderthals and the French apparently have much in common, such as bathing habits, underarm hair, cynical political beliefs, and a strong dislike for just about everyone.

“And those rich sauces” said ancient-DNA expert Svante Pääbo of the Institute. “Neanderthals probably died-out because of their diet based on cholesterol and alcohol”

Stock Market Drops 1,000 Points In A Minute

The terrible storms that shut-down much of the U.S. this winter didn’t do it. Earthquakes flattening entire countries didn’t do it. Political gridlock didn’t do it. Actual human beings didn’t do it.

A clerical error that temporarily made the stock value of Proctor and Gamble tank did it. In that minute millions of automated trading programs went to DefCon 4 and sold, sold, sold – everything. Which just proves you don’t actually need people to screw-up the economy – we’ve automated that now.

I wonder what all those people who used to screw-up the economy for a living will do now?