Training Iraqi Military Still A Work In Progress

He forgot step 4: Step Aside

And to add injury to insult, the empty shell casing is ejected on top of him. (BTW I copped this GIF from Angry Duck – they have this duck, and it’s angry.)

Bauer Regrets Comparing Animals To Poor

South Carolina Lt. Gov. André Bauer has apologized for comparing stray animals to poor people after animal rights activists objected. Bauer said the poor are like stray animals that breed because they are ignorant.

“I wish I had chosen a better metaphor” Bauer said. “I’m not against animals – just poor people.”

People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals called Bauer an insensitive “speciesist” (that’s actually a word in the fricking spelling dictionary) for daring to compare animals with the poor.

“Animals don’t stand at street corners and beg” one PETA official said. “They have more dignity than that. At PETA we wouldn’t mind if there was a hunting season for the poor – just not animals. We are 100% in favor of using the poor for research purposes – that’s better than harming monkeys and mice.”

Edwards Admits He Fathered Child

After a year of denials Former U.S. Sen. John Edwards of North Carolina has admitted he fathered a child with his mistress during his 2008 presidential nomination campaign. “I will do everything in my power to provide her with the love and support she deserves,” Edwards said, adding “as long as you define love as complete absence and support as monetary payments that I’m pretty sure will be tax deductible.”

Edwards’ political career came to a screeching halt after he admitted to the affair. His marriage also imploded, as did any credibility he may have once had with the American people. Edwards was the running mate for former Vice President Al Gore in the 2000 elections that were awarded to George W. Bush after an appeal to the courts.

Gore commented “this should be no real problem for John, as long as he realizes no one will ever take him seriously again. I certainly hope his relationship with his daughter will have a small carbon footprint, perhaps that will put some positive spin on things, although I know I’ll never go near him again now that he is a political pariah. He should have followed President Clinton’s example and only engaged in oral sex and tobacco product invagination.”

Cast adrift politically and alone and friendless in the cold world of partisan politics, Edwards is considering his career options. He is in talks with Fox for a reality show with the Octomom based on Edwards attempting to curry favor with her 15 children who have the power to vote him off the North American continent, sending him to a small island in the South Pacific where he will try to convince the local aboriginal population that, no, he isn’t that John Edwards and no, he doesn’t have Monica Lewinski’s cell number. If they believe him they won’t eat him.

“It’s really not that different from politics” Edwards said.

Pat Robertson Explains Haitian Earthquake

The Reverend Pat Robertson said today the earthquake that has devastated the city of Port Au Prince in Haiti is due to a Haitian pact with Satan, and has nothing to do with tectonic activity spurred by the sliding action of continental plates.

In his daily radio broadcast Robertson said Haiti was “under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ ”

Really. He said that. Out loud and over the airwaves where people could hear.

Pat Robertson explains the local culture in Haiti

In the past he has linked terrorist attacks on the United States to abortion. Robertson also believes traffic fatalities are God’s punishment for “slowing down when the light is yellow, like you can’t beat it before it turns red – man I hate it when people do that, because if I’m behind them I’m sure God will let me through the intersection even if it does turn red”.

Robertson has also claimed that breast augmentation is proof that evolutionry science is wrong: “If we were evolving then obviously women would just evolve bigger hooters, since that’s obviously a desirable survival trait. But women have to get an operation – an operation that God gave surgeons the ability to perform, because God wants bigger hooters but He also wants us to help ourselves.”

Fear Of Gilligan’s Island

“I thought I was going to die, we were so high up, I thought to myself: I hope we don’t crash and burn or worse yet landing in the ocean, living through it, only to be eaten by sharks, or worse yet, end up on some place like Gilligan’s Island, stranded, or worse yet, be eaten by a tribe of headhunters, speaking of headhunters, why do they just eat outsiders, and not the family members? Strange … and what if the plane ripped apart in mid-flight and we plumited (sic) to earth, landed on Gilligan’s Island and then lived through it, and the only woman there was Mrs. Thurston Howell III? No Mary Anne (my favorite) no Ginger, just Lovey! If it were just her, I think I’d opt for the sharks, maybe the headhunters.”

This is a note handed to an airline flight attendant by a nervous passenger. The flight was turned back to it’s original airport because you don’t just fuck around when people are talking about “Gilligan’s Island” at 30,000 feet!