We have our first Mis-speaking of the campaign season!
TV political pundit Stephen Colbert has announced his intention to form an exploratory committee to look into the feasibility of considering a 2012 run for President of South Carolina. Colbert currently leads national polls wherein American voters indicate they have a more favorable opinion of him than any of the GOP candidates.
Colbert has turned his super-PAC over to business partner John Stewart of “The Daily Show”, while Colbert uses his “Colbert Report” to ask voters to vote for Herman Cain in the South Carolina primary. Cain has dropped out of the presidential race, but his name could not legally be removed from the ballot. Since Colbert cannot legally be added, nor are primary write-ins valid in South Carolina, Colbert is asking voters to check the box next to Cain’s name as a way of indicating they would have voted for Colbert, were it legally possible to vote for him, which it isn’t.
Colbert is running on a promise to do nothing to change the corrupt campaign finance practices in U.S. elections, saying “The pundits have asked, is this all some joke? And I say, if they are calling being allowed to form a super PAC and collecting unlimited, untraceable amounts of money from individuals, unions, and corporations, and spending that money on political ads and for personal enrichment, and then surrendering that super PAC to one of my closest friends while I explore a run for office — if that is a joke, then they are saying our entire campaign finance system is a joke!”
Cain appeared with Colbert at a recent election-related event in Charleston.
Political experts say Marianne Gingrich’s revelations that ex-husband Newt sought an “open” marriage with her so he could continue an affair with his mistress may not hurt the Republican candidate in the South Carolina primary – and may in fact help.
“If there’s one thing we on the religious right and in the Tea Party hate more than liars and cheats, it nigg- errr, ‘blacks’!” One South Carolina GOP insider said. “And in order to get that socialist commie nigg- errrr, ‘black man’, out of the White House we’d all get down on our knees and blow Satan! And I mean we’d inhale!”
Many right-wing evangelicals feel it will take the kind of dirty, low-down, under-handed, lying, hypocritical behavior Newt Gingrich is known for to defeat Barack Obama. “What we need is a total 4-wheel-drive S.O.B. to get out there and put that boy in his place! I mean, there’s no way we can beat him on the issues!” an official in the South Carolina Republican party told GraceLessLand. “When the racial purity of the nation is at stake you can bet there’s nothing we won’t stoop to in order to get the job done. Not that we have anything against so-called ‘blacks’ – we just don’t think they’re ready, y’know, in an evolutionary way to rule the country. Not that that means we believe in evolution!”
Here are some salient points picked up from the latest Republican debate presented by Fox News just prior to the South Carolina primary election:
MITT ROMNEY: Has gotten really good at answering the question about being a “vulture capitalist”. He can now make raping a punch-drunk company sound like making sweet, sweet love.
RICK PERRY: Has apparently changed his medication because several times during the debate he did an excellent impression of thinking quickly. Of course he wasn’t – someone in the audience was giving him hand signals.
RICK SANTORUM: Is getting his feisty on. A couple of times he led Mitt Romney right into the corner where he sucker punched him with embarrassingly moderate moments from Romney’s record.
NEWT GINGRICH: Has some kind of deal with Juan Williams that when the crowd is against Newt Juan will act like an angry black liberal and give Newt the opportunity to make a stirring speech about just how and why minorities are inferior. The crowd ended by giving him a standing ovation.
RON PAUL: Still hasn’t learned to keep from saying things Republicans don’t want to hear, like it may not only be illegal but morally wrong for the U.S. to simply go into other countries and assassinate people. Which brings us to the main thing we learned here….
Republicans love to kill! Killing people, especially foreigners in foreign countries, got the biggest standing ovation of the evening. Everyone except Ron Paul said loud and clear they think the United States has the right to go anywhere, any time, for any reason, and kill anyone we want. Romney as much as declared war on just about everyone, including citizens of the U.S. who are suspected of terrorist sympathies. So it was a good night for saber rattling and testicle shaking.
Michele Bachmann, currently leading the massive pack of Republican hopefuls for the 2012 presidential nomination, told a crowd in Spartanburg, SC “let’s all say ‘Happy Birthday’ to Elvis Presley today,”
Which would be great except the date was the anniversary of Presley’s death 34 years ago.
Does anyone check this woman’s copy? Let’s see: she didn’t know what state Lexington and Concord were in when the “Shot Heard ‘Round The World” was fired (same one they’re still in: Massachusetts); she thought John Wayne the actor was from her home town – but it was actually John Wayne Gacy the serial killer; and now she has Elvis being born the day he died. I guess none of these are enough to disqualify someone to be President of the United States, but perhaps the trend in dumbness should.
South Carolina Lt. Gov. André Bauer has apologized for comparing stray animals to poor people after animal rights activists objected. Bauer said the poor are like stray animals that breed because they are ignorant.
“I wish I had chosen a better metaphor” Bauer said. “I’m not against animals – just poor people.”
People for The Ethical Treatment of Animals called Bauer an insensitive “speciesist” (that’s actually a word in the fricking spelling dictionary) for daring to compare animals with the poor.
“Animals don’t stand at street corners and beg” one PETA official said. “They have more dignity than that. At PETA we wouldn’t mind if there was a hunting season for the poor – just not animals. We are 100% in favor of using the poor for research purposes – that’s better than harming monkeys and mice.”
It takes real guts to heckle the President of the United States, particularly if you are a member of Congress, and especially if the President is addressing Congress at the time. Fortunately for the proud people of South Carolina, Representative Joe Wilson has the guts. Lots of ’em, hanging-out all over his belt buckle, and probably seething with the kind of stomach acid even grits won’t soak up.
Wilson shouted “You lying negro commie socialist wetback lover!” (or words to that effect) at one point during President Barack Obama’s speech Wednesday night, when Obama assured the Congress and the nation that his new Health Care plan would not cover illegal aliens. Later in the speech, Obama called for civility in the health care debate, at which point Wilson vomited down the front of his shirt.
Undeterred, Obama went on to summon the ghost of the late Ted Kennedy. Kennedy duly appeared, floating in the air above the audience and, giggling, peed on Senate minority leader Mitch McConnel. Several in the audience said the tubby spectre seemed to be intoxicated.
After the speech, Wilson called the White House to apologize, saying “I’m sorry you’re a lying negro commie socialist wetback lover – really, I am.” There was no report on if the apology was accepted.