Your 2018 Stiff List

This year brought to you by CNN.com. They left-out a lot of people, like Carrie Fisher (because that wound will never heal).

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Study These Carefully

How Civilization Ended On Mars

My people, we have a quandary upon us, or with us, or in us or however quandaries relate to us, but nonetheless we know they are most intractable and bad and we must do something.

As you all know, several months ago our high priest proclaimed that some “unclean” acts were committed within the great temple of Narx, and some of you are now tainted while others of us, who obviously were nowhere near the temple when the unclean acts were done, are not tainted. He further said the Gods would “guide the hands of the Great Jeddak and his wife The Queen in selecting those who will live and those who must die!” which was all just a bit dramatic, I thought, but anyway my wife and I made our lists and when we went to put them together there are a lot of names on my list that are not on hers, and vice-versa. So we didn’t know what to do: do we just merge the two lists and take only one among the duplicates and then have them all burned to death over at the High Priest’s temple where, I noticed, they had a lot of extra beer and wine delivered this weekend – you just try to get a mug of beer anywhere in the district for any price, but anyway, back to the quandary, you see, I was at quite a loss how I was supposed to guess who is tainted and who is not, and my quite Excellent and Perspicacious wife was likewise mystified as to how she should know anything about any major party in the birthing pools of the Temple last week when the moons were away as they must be to reduce the chance of procreation, or so the priests of Narx tell us, but we notice the priests are all down at the waterfront when the moons are full spending their ducats in the exact same places, just as if they had nothing to fear when the Moon is near to bursting! Anyways back to our little problem: so here we have these two lists and some people are duplicated on them and some are not, so does that mean that ones who are on both lists are tainted and therefore doomed, and that the “bachelors and bachelorettes” so-to-speak aren’t tainted and therefore aren’t doomed? Or is it like we just merge it into one list like I said, but yes – yes- you’re right that’s not very popular, is it. So, where are we then? Well we also noticed there are quite a lot of people not just here in the City of Narx, but all over the hither and nether and yonder lands, and they aren’t on either list! What happens there I ask you? My wife and I can’t vouch for every farmer and goat herder in the realm! We don’t know if they were at the Temple or not, or at least we didn’t see them if they were! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I keep straying from the point, don’t I? Well, the point is who lives and who dies, what? You see some persons are on my list and not on my wife’s list, and some are on her list and not on mine, for instance I’m on my wife’s list but not on mine! So, I called upon the court astrologers and logicians and told them to decide what to do, and they came up with: everyone who isn’t on my list is safe and I’m not on my list so I’m safe and anyone who disagrees will go on my list. Everyone else can shift for himself – I understand my wife likes the definition: everyone who isn’t on her list is not tainted and everyone who is, is tainted and she’s not on her list and she damn-well doesn’t want to be on mine! We’ve been wrestling back-and-forth in negotiations about how to solve this quandary of who lives and who doesn’t for days, and the closest we can come to agreement on is that anyone who isn’t on either list should be condemned and doomed for not taking more of an interest in their homeland! Except for me not being on her list! But then I suppose I should put myself on my list to balance things out?

Well anyway, good to address you all one last time before you go off into the Great Temple of Narx to die! The Mrs. Appreciates it too! Sorry about the floods not being up to snuff this year and the wheat crop being so meager, but you know those are the breaks when you live near a river!

I Love It When Stuff Just Writes Itself

A zoo painted a donkey and called it a zebra. They also have a lion that barks.

Has Meghan Markle Seen The Top Of Harry’s Head?

Probably depends on if Harry likes the coochie.

Maybe It’s Psychosomatic

(Click the image to read the full story at CNN.com)

(Click the image to read the full story at CNN.com)

Study: Having A Dog Will Help You Live Longer

(Click the image to read the whole story at CNN.com)

(Click the image to read the whole story at CNN.com)

The trick is to also have a hibachi when you need it.

 

 

Slime Eel Jackson Says:

(Click the image to see the full story on CNN.com)

(Click the image to see the full story on CNN.com)

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I Mean Like Adrienne Barbeau

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While Supplies Last!

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Look A Cute Dog Tell Your Friends!

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A Definition

Mimesis : noun – when your nemesis is Marcel Marceau.

Birth, Life, And Windows

I’ll start by drawing the reader’s attention to figure 1. This is the Windows 7 file properties report for the most fundamental of files stored on my HP mega-laptop, the 20″ HDX 9000 Dragon that was popular late in the previous decade.

 

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Figure 1

As we can see from the image, the boot shell command file is the very spark and quintessence of this machine – this is the last saved “image” of the freshly manufactured machine’s on state – a recording of the device’s “soul”, if you will. And you will, won’t you, because people love to anthropomorphize everything around them, so why should a pile of various materials arranged in a particular, repeatable pattern like a major appliance be immune? But this is the digital version of the Fountain of Youth: this is a copy of the current OS-install start-‘er-up data that will, once done doing what it does, return my Dragon Lady to her original factory splendour, young and vibrant and showing-off her sexy Windows Vista operating system.

At least I think so – who really knows? (Seriously does anyone know what this file does? I’m considering upgrading the old girl to larger-yet-faster SSD drives and doing a bottom-up Windows 7 Pro installation.)

I believe that system life begins at birth, not at inception. Inception is a remote and often rather random process of collating and storing a clean-burned system image for production in a massive factory in China, when billions of renminbi are on the line and orders are pouring-in from America, Europe, Asia, India, Canada, the former Soviet Union, and Mexico but not the rest of Latin America because they’re too poor, being underpaid to produce whatever’s left-over that isn’t made in China now.

Nasty Crack Found In Arizona

(Click the image to read the full story at FoxNews.com)

(Click the image to read the full story at FoxNews.com)

Oh, never mind – it’s just Jan Brewer.

Crappy New Year

Might as well be honest about it.

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Also While Riding On A Train

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Merry Christmas From Postings Past

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Someone’s being naughty and nice!

Good Riddance 2016!

About this time last year we were all mentioning how fucked-up 2015 was, and it was just a hint of how truly ass-fucked 2016 was.

Get used to this trend. And while doing so, go to ProPublica.org for some pretty-good journalism. We’re going to need it.

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One More Time

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Watch! Listen! Report!

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Stop The Hate

Dentism

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Travolta Replaced By Android – No One Notices

NoFooling

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Makes Sense

IntDesign

These Things Must Be Tested-Out Sometime

(Click the image to read the full story at ArsTechnica.com)

(Click the image to read the full story at ArsTechnica.com)

I like to think these people, primitive as they were, took some pride in the craftsmanship shown by their weapons and tools.

I choose to believe that Og who was good at making points but not at making shafts traded with Grf who made great shafts but lousy points: for a certain amount of the passage of the Bright Thing from when it returns Og will sharpen Grf’s points, while in turn Grf will straighten Og’s shafts.

Then they contract with some distributor tribe to offer their sharpened sticks to outliers in return for colorful, glowy seashells they say they get from giants like anyone would buy that.

The Outliers are obviously in league with the bad spirits who cause babies to die and take life from the Old Ones. Some day Og and Grf will stop selling them spears and they’ll invade their land with new, improved spears tipped with sharpened bits of the seashells they get from them. Then they’ll control the seashell supply and no one else will get any weaponized seashell products.

These people weren’t just savages in competition for the meager resources they could find lying about – these people were entrepreneurs, dammit!

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Maybe The Secret Sauce?

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What Kind Of Monsters Have We Become?

I’ve often wondered what will we kill on Mars? Can a planet be inhabitable with nothing to kill? Will it be boring because there is no killing going on? Humanity has never actually experienced no killing – is it in our DNA?

Do we need killing to feel life has meaning. Perhaps human-killing-human will become the only instinctually satisfying form of killing – so we can at least watch that on the news on Mars. I take it for granted that no matter where humanity goes, the media goes with it.

Will we take animals to Mars to breed and kill them? Actually shipping cows and sheep would be too expensive, so it would have to be some kind of frozen-fetus deal. Can you grow a cow outside the womb? Will female humans be required to act as surrogates for (small) sheep or pigs or rabbits and whatnot to get the thing going?

Are we going to transplant fertilized sheep fetuses into women who colonize Mars?

Happy Commie Day

The word “mayday”, famously used in distress calls from ships at sea, is actually a mangling of the French word “m’aidez”, or “help me”.

Also May Day is, since about 1880 or-so, International Workers’ Day – so kiss a comrade today.

And it’s the anniversary of the Haymarket Massacre when police in Chicago killed 4 marchers in a peaceful protest. And that is, I’m pretty sure, the reason for it being International Workers’ Day.

But “May Day”, or something similar at this time of year, has been celebrated in religious traditions for probably thousands of years, originally simply to mark the end of winter. In the colonies that became the U.S. “freethinkers” celebrated May Day with maypole dances along with Native Americans (in the early years before real estate values went up).

And May Day is a reminder that it is only three days until May The Fourth Be With You day.

And only four days until Cinco de Mayo, celebrating Mexican Independence Mexico’s defeat of the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862.

All of which makes me think the 1st through the 5th of May should be a national holiday – or whichever five weekdays fall closest. We don’t want to get cheated with weekends being included.

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Can You Find It In Your Heart To Give?

iGeneration

Man Jumps White House Fence While First Family At Home

“According to two CNN photojournalists who witnessed the incident, the men was carrying an envelope, had on a blue shirt and white pants and was cloaked in an American flag.”

Below is an artist’s rendering of the man.

This is the lunatic who tried to get into the White House.

This is the lunatic who tried to get into the White House.

Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

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