Apple Wins Patent Infringement Suit Against Samsung

This just in: Daimler Benz has patented cars with four wheels, Greece has patented democracy, Germany has patented war crimes, dinosaurs have patented bones, Steve Jobs has patented death, the Republican Party has patented ignorance, and Bill Clinton has patented sexual harassment.

Minor Chicago Official Stirs-Up Big Controversy Over Reagan

Cook county, Illinois board president Toni Preckwinkle has drawn angry responses from Illinois GOP leaders after she said there should be a “special place in Hell” for former President Ronald Reagan because of his punitive approach to the “war” on drugs. Preckwinkle has been an outspoken proponent of treating drug issues as a public health problem, not a law enforcement problem.

Preckwinkle apologized for the comment later, saying she thought she was speaking “off the record” and thus implying the entire incident is somehow the media’s fault.

Texas Judge Says Obama Reelection May Result In “Civil War”

Texas Governor Rick Perry meets with Lubbock County Judge Tom Head before it was known that Head is insane.

A Republican judge from Texas has called for a local tax increase to train and equip the Lubbock county sheriff’s department to fight a civil war against Barack Obama and the U.N.

Republican judge Tom Head made the statements on local radio and television stations in the Lubbock area. “In this political climate and financial climate, what is the very worst thing that could happen right now? Obama gets back in the White House. No. God forbid,” Head said.

He said Obama will “try to give the sovereignty of the United States away to the United Nations. What do you think the public’s going to do when that happens? We are talking civil unrest, civil disobedience, possibly, possibly civil war. … I’m not talking just talking riots here and there. I’m talking Lexington, Concord, take up arms, get rid of the dictator. OK, what do you think he is going to do when that happens? He is going to call in the U.N. troops, personnel carriers, tanks and whatever.”

Head then said he will be in the front ranks to stand “in front of their personnel carriers and say, ‘You’re not coming in here.’ And I’ve asked the sheriff. I said, ‘Are you going to back me on this?’ And he said, ‘Yeah, I’m going to back you.’ Well, I don’t want a bunch of rookies back there who have no training and little equipment. I want seasoned veteran people who are trained that have got equipment. And even then, you know we may have two or three hundred deputies facing maybe a thousand U.N. troops. We may have to call out the militia.”

Head did not state if he thought civil war can cause a woman to get pregnant, which was a refreshing change from recent GOP declarations on human biology.

But the real news here is Head is calling for a tax increase to pay for training and equipping his Texas freedom fighters. “I was with him on this until he brought up the tax increase” Mitt Romney said when he learned of Head’s comments. “That’s just crazy talk!”